Sweet Talkin' Woman

You know...recently I gave men a bad rap...

Not that they didn't deserve it...cause they totally did

And every word I wrote was true!

But in all fairness, I, as a member of the "fairer sex" needs to be fair.

So....

Today I will give women a bad rap...

Not that we don't deserve it!

So here is my take on...WOMEN...

Here are 50 reasons women rock...

1) A man will say "I feel fat" and then eat chicken wings and drink beer and not feel guilty. A woman will say "I feel fat" and discuss it endlessly and will say that the carrots she just ate made her fat...of course she is neglecting to say that the carrots were in carrot cake...

2) Men go into a store to buy a bathing suit. They pick one up...and never try it on.
BUT....we, as women, approach shopping for a bathing suit like full-scale warfare. First, you must not feel fat...or bloated...and then you have to be sure you look ok because the dressing room lighting will distort everything. Women will try on 15 suits and MAYBE find one we sorta, kinda like. We will pay $75-150 for it. For a little tiny scrap of fabric. Men will pay $25 and never look back.

3) When a woman gets dressed to go out it will take quite some time. We need to shower, shave, use the RIGHT conditioner and shampoo, use 18 different hair products, put on 15 different moisturizers and prep products, load on the makeup, blow dry and style the hair, and change our minds about what dress and shoes we are wearing---15 times. Men shower and shave and throw on their clothes...and they don't change them. This is much worse if you are having a date...especially if it is with a very pretty man who drives a big-ass truck. Multiply the prep time and products to the power of 5.

4) Men don't ask for directions. They use GPS...or let "the force be with them". Women WILL ask for directions...but then we have to get into a full-scale discussion with who we ask the directions from and ask 200 questions...and then we forget how we are supposed to get where we asked the directions to.

5) Take a man to a restaurant. He looks at the menu...and orders the same damn thing every time. A woman will look at the menu like a radiologist looks at an x-ray...and then we have to ask everyone (if there are others) what they are ordering...and then a woman will change her mind 10 times about what she is having...and finally orders a grilled chicken breast or a salmon filet, dry, cooked with no oil, with steamed spinach on the side...

Ok, maybe that is just me...

6) Women need shoes. It is a fact of life. We need more than the 4 pair that men need (dress shoes, athletic shoes, loafers, and maybe a pair of boots). Speaking of boots...we need more than one pair of them too. We need at LEAST 4 pair of black dress shoes...and that is just the black. So dudes...give us the closet space cause those shoes need to breathe...

7) Speaking of closet space...yes, we need 75% of the closet.

I don't need to explain that one do I?

8) Men will go to the gym and workout in shorts or pants and a t shirt...and maybe a sweatshirt. Women on the other hand need to have very cute outfits from Lululemon, Lucy or Athletica. And it has to match. And look cute. Cause the hot guy at the gym is there and likes to chat you up after you workout...when you smell like a goat...so at least you look good.

Ok, maybe that is just me...

9) Men like to hold the remote. It is like an extra "organ" (if you know what I mean). It is an extension of their manhood. Women could care less about holding the remote.

Maybe there is a Freudian thing about that...

BUT...we will tell you to change the channel...often...so we can see "Grey's Anatomy"...

10) No self-respecting man would ever be caught watching "The Bachelor"...women on the other hand will disect it like it is a frog under a microscope.

I don't watch "The Bachelor" this season...he bores me...but I do read this blog...cause it is better than the show:

www.ihategreenbeans.com

trust me...it is better than the show...

11) Men can go into a bar alone. They can sit down and chat up a woman. They order manly drinks like Crown Royal and water or a dry martini.

Women on the other hand have to go in with at least 2 girlfriends and we order stupid drinks....that are pink...or have a cute name...

I myself prefer a dirty martini made with Stoli...so maybe I am "kind of" a man...

12) When a man sends a text it is short and to the point.

Women on the other hand have to send paragraphs as a text...and we have to say how we feel...

and we don't like "mmmk babe" as an answer...

13)When we travel, a woman must take a huge-ass suitcase. It will contain 4 pounds of makeup and hair product. It will have 10 pairs of shoes. It will have 2 different options for every day AND every night. It will weigh over the limit so we sweet talk the guy at the check-in and hope he doesn't notice that we are 2 lbs. over the weight limit.

Ok, maybe that is just me...

14) We watch stupid tv shows...men watch sports...stupid shows...

OK, maybe that is more about men than women...but I have to admit..and yes, I watch these...but men don't tend to watch "train wreck" shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras" and "Real Housewives of..." and "The Young an the Restless"...

15) How our hair works makes or breaks our day...not so with men...

16) We take the kids to soccer practice, cook a full meal, get the house cleaned, and help with the homework...

We don't need a parade for that...but we damn sure deserves some lilies...

17)Our weight for the day makes or breaks it...

OK, maybe that is just me...

18)Women need 5 black skirts...just sayin'

Ok, maybe AGAIN that is just me...

19) It is NOT a woman's job to take out the trash or kill the bug...especially if it is a spider or cockroach...and it is OK if we scream when we see one

Ok, maybe this is REALLY about me...

20) Yes, we need a "big ass" purse to carry all our stuff...and yes, it is as big as your suitcase...but we NEED to have 5 lipsticks, gum, a wallet, a mirror, perfume, powder, and our cell phone...and the crap you want us to carry...

DEAL WITH IT...at least we aren't hitting you with it like Ruth Buzzy did on "Laugh In"....

And if you are too young to remember that maybe you shouldn't be reading this blog...

21)When men get drunk they think they are funny...and charming...and the hottest guy in the bar...and that you WANT them...

Women, on the other hand, get drunk and feel compelled to tell EVERYONE that they are loved by them...we tell our girlfriends: "I luuuuuurv you"...and we drunk text the man we love if he is not with us...

Please forgive us for this...there is no stopping it...

22) This is for the "singleton" gals out there...

If you tell us you are interested, and ask for our number, and take us out and kiss us...

WE EXPECT YOU TO CALL US AGAIN

yes, I am reaching back to the college days but I don't think much has changed...even when we are in our 40's...

so you have our number...call us...don't be a....well, I don't have a polite word for that

23)If you drive a big ass truck and we are wearing stupid heels...we are wearing them for you...and we are looking cute for YOU...so help us into the big ass truck (or suburban...or whatever)

24)Women will buy cute lingerie...it is for you MEN...don't tell us we don't look like Heidi Klum or Molly Sims or a Victoria's Secret Angel in it...

JUST APPRECIATE IT

Cute lingerie is not fun to wear...neither is Spanx...but we wear it for you...

25) We dress up fancy for other women...not for men...but to make the other gals at the party think we are really pretty....it is not a "I like women" thing...it is a girl thing...we want to be the envy of the other gals

And yes, we get ticked off when another woman shows up in the same dress...

Although tha happened to me with a dear friend and frankly I loved it...and yes, she looked prettier than me in the dress (DJ that is you...you rocked the dress)

26) Bunco is necessary for life...deal with it

27) Girls Night Out is necessary for life...deal with it...you have "Boy's Night"...ours usually involves silly drinks and maybe a trip to the psychic (don't ask)...

And yes, we will tell each other we love each other...because we have been drinking silly drinks...

28)Our spin class or tennis game or yoga class is IMPORTANT...

29)Yes we would like to know sooner than 2:00 if you have invited clients to dinner...

30)That $50 eye cream works....and yes, we buy into the propaganda...let us

31)That portrait that we spent hours prepping for and dealing with the kids for will be the FIRST thing we save if a hurricane comes...so don't tease us about it...cause you never will know the pain and suffering it caused....to us and the photographer...the kids just posed...after they pinched each other and complained endlessly about how itchy the clothes are and how much they hate it...

WE LOVE THAT PORTRAIT!!!!!...

31)WE will hide the shopping bags from men...cause men will bitch about them...of course they still see the bill but for the few minutes that we think we got away with it...we think we got away with it...and yes, we needed one more black skirt and another pair of silver shoes...we NEED them....

32)We like flowers...a lot...

Lilies for me....thankyouverymcuh...

33)We will tell you that we like the ugly sweater you bought us...but we are going to return it and tell you it is the wrong size...because you bought us an ugly sweater...

Yes, that is what we do...

34)Our cars are our extra purse...that is what my kids call my car "purse on wheels"...

They also call my call "Oprah"...I won't say why because I love Oprah

35)Speaking of Oprah...we like her...don't make fun of her...

Ok, maybe that is just me...

36)When at a cocktail party men will discuss sports, lawnmowers, and...sports...

Women will discuss their kids, cooking, and our gyno appointments...and how our man thought he was "so sexy" when he did something stupid...

It's what we do...deal with it...

37)Women will dance with other women when no man will dance with us...it is FUN...

38)Meryl Streep is relevant to women...so is Oprah...

39)Women will tell their personal trainers things they won't tell their husbands or boyfriends...

40)We like to be told we are pretty...we NEED to be told we are pretty...it makes us breathe...

41)We like to kiss...we don't always want more...

Men on the other hand think if we kiss them it is a green light for more...

Noooooo.....

Romance us a little and maybe you will find it to go your way...

42)If you come and talk to us when we are cooking dinner it is basically foreplay...

43)Women like to hear "you really look nice tonight...I think that dress is pretty and your hair looks really nice tonight"

Don't say "Babe you look fine"....

That will get you nothing...

44)Women want to discuss what the teacher said...or what happened at spin class...please don't interrupt us to tell us that you need to check the score of the game...listen...you have a DVR for a reason...

45)A pedicure can change our day....

46) So can a facial...

47)Saks 5th Avenue, Nordstrom, Macy's, and Neiman Marcus are very special places to women...they are our churches...

Ok, maybe that is just me...

48)When we find the perfect dress for that special party we want to tell our friends...it is like an "A" on a report card...

49)We cry at movies...and Hallmark Card commercials...and the last episode of "Grey's Anatomy" for the season...it is all good...

50)We are complicated creatures...we are worth it...

Ok, that is NOT just me...that is all of us...

We are unique, special, fabulous, and amazing...

Many of us hold down full-time jobs and still run a house...

some of us do it by ourselves...

We don't need a parade...we just want some lilies...and to be told we smell nice and look pretty...

It's not much but it will get you pretty far if you are a man...

Thinking about all of this makes me wonder if I shouldn't just switch to women...but I like men who drive big ass trucks too much...

And hot guy at gym...who drives the big ass truck...I'm waiting...I don't need the lilies yet...but I WILL need you to help me into that big ass truck since you don't have running boards cause your legs are so long...

Ok, that is FOR SURE just me...

I'm a sweet talkin' woman...just tellin' the truth...

Inspiration Song: "Sweet Talkin' Woman" by ELO...and if you don't know who ELO is by the initials then you CERTAINLY don't need to be reading this blog...

Bye Darlings...don't regret the 20 pairs of shoes (and counting) in your closet...you NEED them...and I'll let you know if hot guy at gym who drives big ass truck makes his move...