Better Now

Hello Darlings...

So first a little update on El Diablo...

I had Chemo #6 this week.

6 down and who knows how many to go.

(no really...who knows...Dr Rockstar said not to even ask when I would "be done" and Dr. Angel told me we might have to treat my cancer like a chronic disease so---who knows..)

So 6 chemos down and my CA125 numbers are going down too.

From 43 down to 17 ("normal" is 0-35)

Now is the part where you all get up and do a happy dance...

I see you back there twerking like Miley---I approve!
and you there doing the Snoopy dance---respect!
you there being a Beyonce---I see you!
and you doing a full on Praise Dance---I love you!
and you, the shy one who is worried what others will think? I said to DANCE DAMMIT...

Those numbers coming down are a GOOD thing so dancing is a must.

Ok dance break over....

take a sip of water and cool down.

So now that I have filled you in on El Diablo I want to talk about Yoga (and other things)...because I am FINALLY back to doing yoga...and yoga is continuing to teach me things.

For me YOGA stands for:

Your
Own
Goals (and)
Aspirations

Because I have learned with yoga (and life) it is a PRACTICE and there is no perfection...no finish...no end game.

In yoga I have a goal to do Half Moon without a block and falling over.

Or tree pose without falling over.

Or dancer...without falling over.

Or eagle...without falling over.

Basically I want to not fall over so much...

A goal is attainable...it's reachable...I can direct effort toward doing it.

(I can also direct effort into doing crow pose but I'm afraid to balance on my arms...so not a goal...yet)

With my yoga practice I aspire to maybe one day be a yoga teacher.

It's just a thought I have and much much more practice and work needs to happen before I ever give it any serious thought or even attempt to take any teacher training but for now it's an aspiration. One that will take many goals to achieve before I can.

I can't do half the poses and I fall over anytime I try to balance.

So why aspire to be a yoga teacher?

Because when I am in a practice it's so much more than just moving my body....it's moving my soul.

And I want to help others make their souls move and dance.

The other day my beautiful JohnJohn had us make magic on the mats...not just by our flow but by actually saying the word "magic"...and it was magical...

As I reached my arms up and said "magic" I felt it...because my soul was moving as my body moved.

My yoga teachers help me set intentions---small goals and ideals on which to focus my practice. I try to hold that intention in my heart as I struggle through class and to hold poses. I try to use each practice as a way to move my day and my life forward.

I want to be in a room full of beautiful souls and help them move and dance to the music as their souls move and dance within themselves...and maybe help them learn something about themselves and how to share breath, space, and love...

Because being a yoga teacher is not just about teaching someone how to do a warrior pose...it's about teaching someone how to be a warrior themself.

I love teaching...I wish I had studied to become a teacher.  So I do the next best thing and I work with the very best teacher I know (GOTT...and yes he is the best teacher I know...he teaches those kids way more than just how to act).

I try to teach with my Instagram when I cook something and share a recipe.

And I try to teach with my blog.

I try to find words to inspire, to share love, to make magic...

Before I got sick I would never have imagined myself ever thinking or considering that one day I might want to teach yoga.

I'm terrible at it...(yoga that is)

but being sick has taught me that perfection is not what matters...it's more about the heart than what the body can do.

I am amazed I can even practice.

Every day when I was radiated I tried to spin or do yoga.

My Dr. Angel thought I was crazy.

But he came to realize that what I needed was not rest as much as I needed to MOVE.

I needed to not feel sick.

and I still need to feel that way.

On Monday I had to say goodbye to my favorite Physician's Assistant.

Lovely Jessica is moving to another city where her hubby has a new job. She is Dr. Angel's PA and she has been my rock through my journey with him. And I know she is his rock too.

I was grateful to have a few minutes with her to reflect on what she had done for me and to thank her for it...and to tell her to warn the next PA that I was a handful and that Dr. Angel had a hot mess of a patient (that would be me).

She told me she was always surprised at what I did despite my illness.

My hemoglobin is at an "8" (normal is 12-16 although 10 is the low for a cancer patient)

She told me most people at an 8 stayed in bed.

And I go to spin and yoga.

Because my goal is to keep moving.

And my aspiration is to live like I am not sick.

And as long as I keep moving I will not feel sick.

(plus these days the chemo is fed with a big desire for chocolate chip cookies or cheese so I have no choice but to move)

I'm not going to let a pesky little thing like a low hemoglobin count keep me from pedaling my spin bike or flowing on my mat.

Because to give in and just get in bed is to give up.

And giving up is NOT a goal or aspiration.

So I am pretty sure that no matter where Lovely Jessica ends up she will remember the unicorn hot mess patient she had when she worked with Dr. Angel and I am pretty sure she will use the memory of me to help her help other patients to not feel so sick.

Cancer can be a business of dying or living.

I know because when I was first told I was sick I decided very quickly that there was 2 ways I could chose to go on.

I could choose to be a dying person.

Or I could choose to be a living one.

I chose LIFE.

I chose to live.

And I am not dying.

It's not a goal or aspiration of mine.

My goal is to live each day fully.

My aspiration is to live my life in such a way as to bring honor to my Lord, to inspire others, to show love and to hopefully share my life with a man who loves me.

The "man who loves me" is not a goal because right now I am not doing anything active to make that happen. I want it but I'm not at a place where I am ready to "swipe right" on any dating apps. So for now it is an aspiration and once my beloved doctors tell me how awesome I am doing maybe then I'll be ready for someone to invite me to share a bottle of wine.

So today is my "icky" day...the one where I am tired and my appetite and tummy are funky and I feel like I am recovering from the flu.

So I live today as it is.

I accept that it is a day I will not be active, will not have energy and will take 2-3 naps during the day.

And that's ok...because my goal for today is to just get through it.

And I aspire to not have many more days like this but as long as I have chemo there will be.

But tomorrow will be "normal" again.

And my goal is to do some yoga, hit up the grocery store, and to have dinner with friends.

And I aspire to have a weekend filled with fun, friends, laughter, yoga, a movie, some wine, my "Sunday Service Spin" with my beloved E,  and to not live like a cancer patient.

Life is never 100% easy.

Some people will glide through life with what appears to be no issues but I honestly don't believe anyone doesn't have a trial of some sort in life.

Others get a full plate of things to overcome (hello...yes, that is me...but guess what...I think it's just a salad plate of stuff and not a whole dinner plate).

And each day our goal should be to squeeze the life out of every minute of our day.

I want to close my eyes each night feeling like I did some good in this world.

Because I don't know if I have a year or many yearS left in this life (I'm a betting woman so I am going for yearS) but whatever time God is giving me here I aspire to be His instrument and end each day being a better human than I was the day before.

And my goal is to teach someone something with the words I say here...

And I'm going to live each day like a yoga practice:

I start each morning with a gentle stretch---getting up, getting coffee and breakfast and starting my day with intention to move through the day with love and light

and then I warm up and so some Sun A's---the usual things we do daily to make our lives work...pay bills, return calls and emails, go to work...

at some point I get to be in warrior stance---I'll do something that makes me feel strong, sexy and powerful like working out or trying something new...

and then I will hit a balancing pose---I will likely fall over doing something I do or mess up in some way but life is messy and yoga is messy and we all survive even when we fall over.

and at another point I will seek refuge in child's pose and give in to letting something go...

And then I will stretch some more---cook my dinner or maybe meet up with friends

And then Savassanah---rest....where I settle in and let the day go and let my body prepare for the next day.

In between there is a lot of breath, poses, falling over, gripping blocks....and there is sweat, and sometimes tears, and much love...

Life is like a yoga class to me...

I start and end in my bed and there is a whole lot of moving in between.

And I am grateful for the moving...

and for the falling over...

and for the breath....

because I am getting to live...to set goals and aspire to do things...

and the sweaty mess that I am at the end of it is happy...

Inspiration Song: "Better Now" by Post Malone. My favorite song to spin to these days and one that makes me realize that despite cancer I am better now than I was before cancer.

Bye darlings...be better now....and set your goals and aspirations and let it be messy while you get there...I'm a hot mess and I know it...but I am a grateful hot mess...