Virtual Insanity

Wow...I have not blogged since...April...

I got kinda busy and stuff has just gotten in the way...my life sorta went insane...

well, not exactly insane but at one point I did question whether I was suffering from an anxiety disorder or depression...

no...

really...

I don't take those kinds of things lightly...so I took it seriously when I had a few weeks that I just wanted to sleep a lot and not do much but watch tv.

Mental health is not anything to ignore.

And like my physical health, when something is wrong I try and do what I can to fix it.

I WAS feeling very overwhelmed...I had promised GOTT I would costume a professional show, the school year was coming to a close, I needed to get my house listed and put on the market, I needed a new car, and Ke$ha Barbie was home from college...

Having a teenage girl back in the house is enough for anyone to feel like they need a mental health check-up

I was feeling so out of sorts I went to my doctor.

She suggested a try a mild antidepressant.

So I did...but after a few days I started to feel worse, not better...

and my stomach hurt all the time...

and I was feeling..."stabby"

little things set me off...and I had a crap load of work to do.

And then I ended up in the ER with uncontrollable vomiting one night and that pretty much put a stop to me and that medicine.

Turns out my body couldn't handle it and so, with my doctor's blessing, they (the meds) got flushed down the toilet..that was after getting some fluids in the ER (and thanks so Ke$ha Barbie for being a wonderful daughter and helping me though it).

Once the drug was out of my system I felt like myself again...but it took a few days...

My "normal" self.

Now why I am saying all of this right here in this blog?

Because I am an open book...but also because I firmly believe I have to practice what I preach.  I have begged loved ones around me to get help when they have had issues...and I had to do the same.

Listening to your body...and your head..now THAT is something we all need to do.

I don't know if I WAS depressed but I can tell you I felt anxious...and scared...and worried...and very very overwhelmed.

But I pulled it all together and found myself again and I did what I had to do.

And just because that medicine didn't work for me doesn't mean that I don't believe it is an incredibly good drug for the people who need it.  I totally believe 100% that if you need something to balance your unbalance...well then people...GO GET BALANCED AND TAKE THE PILL...

And who's not to say that I might not find myself once again in that position.

And if I do, we will explore other options...other drugs...therapy...

whatever it takes...

because you can't live half a life...or at least I don't want to...

And I don't want to ever let "me" get in the way of my own life and happiness.

So right now I'm good...all good...

And that is for today...

And I take each day as it comes...one day at a time...

And I got my stuff done....

I costumed the show and had a blast doing it.  I was proud of myself...proud of GOTT...proud of GOTTESS...proud of GOTTSON (he had the lead!)...proud of my wonderful cast...

I will blog about the show later (it was Seussical in case you forgot) but not today.

But I do really miss the cast and crew...and I so miss hearing "Alone in the Universe" and "Solla Sollew" sung by the cast...I cried through it every night.

It was very theraputic...to get to just release into the beauty of those songs...each show I went up to the sound booth and stood in the spotlight crows nest and listened to the incredible voices on the stage and I wept with love....and pride...and joy...

Next up a I have a few more shows to do that terrify me but I can do it...I have to...I would only let myself down if I didn't do it...

What else?

I sold my car...

My son called my old bronze suburban "Oprah" because it was big and brown (the only disparaging thing I have ever let him say about my beloved Oprah Winfrey).

So now I am tooling about town in a brand new shiny black Toyota 4-Runner I have dubbed "Beyonce" because she is so pretty.  I can wirelessly play my music from my phone, I can safely drive and yell at my children on the phone thanks to the built in bluetooth, and I can safely back out of my driveway thanks to the back-up camera.

The best part was 5 minutes after leaving the dealership a big rainstorm started and I couldn't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers on...so I pulled over and figured it out...and then turned on my music and drove my new car with a big smile on my face even though it was storming outside.

The only negative thing I have had happen was today:

because one should not put a paper bag with two bottles of vodka in the back end of a 4-runner and then drive a bit around town and then open the back end of the car without first making sure the bottles haven't come loose and are rolling around the back end and when you open the door they fly out...

and crash...

onto the pavement

and shatter

and basically the HEB parking lot smells like a distillery and so did I...

glass...everywhere...

me...mad as a hornet at myself...

cuts...a few...

replacement vodka...in my bar...

(and I highly recommend Stoli blueberry vodka and tonic as a refreshing summer drink as well as a way to recover from the fact that you stupidly let an entire handle of Tito's and a bottle of Stoli blueberry crash onto the HEB parking lot...you're welcome)

I'm getting my house ready to sell...D'Nice came over to help me rearrange some things and make it look awesome and we had fun yesterday when she decided that my silver curio cabinet in my dining room needed "gilding"...so she gets this paste/paint stuff and rubbed it all over it and now my Pier 1 silver/mirror tall curio looks like a custom piece...it looks fabulous!

I'm about to go tackle The Cutest Boy in the World's bedroom and rearrange some things there while he is on a little vacation with friends.

As for Ke$ha Barbie's room...

well for that I pretty much need to go back on the meds.

I have asked her to tidy it up but for some reason she persists in just throwing her clothes all over the floor despite the fact she has a full walk in closet.

Her room is a toxic waste dump...

Here's how I can best describe it...

Remember John Hughes the amazing movie director that made all those great teen films in the 80's like "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "16 Candles"?

Well her room looks like John Hughes went to the art director for one of his movies and he tells the art director "have the set decorator make this girl's room look like the worst possible version of a teenage girl's room...but make sure what you start out with before you trash it is awesome and beautiful and quite elegant"

yeah...

it looks like a movie set gone wild...

Now go look at your own child's room...the blog will wait...go and look...and feel better...

you're welcome...

The Cutest Boy in the World doesn't make too much of a mess...he just has a lot of cords to video games and computers.  He digs in his drawers like a dog but at least I can shut the drawers.

Let's see...what else...

Twirler Girl and I came up with an awesome way to make a Jalapeno Cucumber Mint margarita based on a drink I had with GOTTESS when we were in Sedona.

I'd give you the recipe but I don't have one...I just throw a little jalapeno in the blender along with some mint sprigs and some diced peeled cucumber and agave nectar and tequila and ice...and blend...

It's delicious...

if you need me to get more specific, just message me...

you can also do this by muddling it and shaking it if you want a "rocks" version...

it's really good...too good...

and...

you're welcome...

I guess that pretty much sums up what I have been up to.

I know I have made light about some of this stuff but please believe me when I say that my struggle with anxiety was quite serious.  And if you are someone who has had those struggles too you know what I mean and I have a real appreciation for everyone who can get out of bed each morning and face the day without wanting to just crawl back in...and for those of us who sometimes can't.

Listen to your heart...

Listen to your head...

Listen to your body...

And take care of all of them...

For now Jay-Vee's spin class, my friends, and a little vodka and a lot of sunshine are helping me get through...

It's all good...

for now...

today...

one day at a time....

Inspiration Song: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquoi...love that song...and although my insanity wasn't virtual at times I sometimes felt it was all just in my head...and it was...but I got through it...

Bye Darlings...seek help when you need it and don't be ashamed if you do.  I am here to say I needed help, sought it, got it, and got back on track...and I'm not ashamed to admit it.