Poison Arrow

Hi Darlings...

Well I had my second chemo session yesterday...2 down/4 to go...

I think the worst thing about chemo is the unknown.

you see I haven't had chemo until December 23...and then again on January 13 (that's right people I had chemo on Friday the 13th...)

and I damn sure hope I never do again after these 6 little rides on the poison wagon...

I've taken a few friends to chemo appointments but I was usually told I could leave once I got them settled in bed and ready to go because there is a lot of "pre-stuff" that goes with a chemo appointment so by that time it was usually time for me to "tag out" and someone else to "tag in"

Knowing that, that is how I am structuring my "chemo buddies"...

I'm trying to come up with a better name...

i need something more glamorous...I will come up with it...

ah...

MY CHEMO COURT!!!!!

That's it!

All the duchesses who will be driving me and assisting me are part of my Chemo Court!

My friend Chris found some tiny tiaras the other day and he brought them to lunch...I think everyone should wear one if they are in my chemo court...

So where do I begin to describe the magical journey that is chemo?

I'll start not with the treatment itself, but rather how some friends made sure I knew I was loved and that they were supporting me before I hit up the chemo wagon...

you know you are loved when your friends want to send you off for your first round of chemo with a party and that is just what they did...mind you this was 3 days before Christmas and in the midst of all their shopping and prep (and two of them who work fancy retail jobs even escaped for my little swanky send-off) they took time to take me to lunch...

at my favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican place (Club No Minor)...because if you are gonna go get poison the next day you might as well drink a skittles colored margarita and start the poison early.

They even made t-shirts to support me...

that's some real love people and my hot tamale SuperSandra is our little squad's social director so she made it all happen...

more than anything surrounding yourself with people who love you and you love and matter to you is what matters most...it was the best Christmas gift I got---quality time with people I love...

So the next day was the big bad chemo day...

and my first day of having my brain frozen with the cold caps I am using to keep my hair.

I barely slept the night before because I was so worried about all of it...

would it hurt?

would it burn?

could I manage to stand wearing something on my head that is below zero in temperature?

would I feel the chemo?

would my port work?

would I get sick?

that and about 1000 other questions filled my brain...

My Aunt Jane was out of town so my surrogate mom SweetShari took me to the clinic.  It's up in my doc's office so it's easy to get to.

We put the first cap on me and burst out laughing...it looks pretty silly and just to be sillier we decided I needed to wear my tiara...

Now this is a look sure to catch a man...or at least get a laugh...

Normally when I have chemo I have to go in early and get blood drawn and then see Dr. Rockstar but that particular morning I was exempt from seeing her so she didn't get to see me in my getup until yesterday...she's fascinated...

which makes me get the feeling that after I kick cancer in the ass I might have to become some sort of awareness ambassador for cold caps..

Anyway.....the caps are at -25 degrees (yes, that is a minus sign) so when you put it on you get a brain freeze...but it only lasts a few minutes...

you wear a cap for 25 minutes and then change it out for a new cold one.  I have a big rolling ice chest and 60 lbs of dry ice to freeze the caps...the caps have a gel in them that freezes and basically is like the worse swim cap ever...

(and now you know everything you ever wanted to know about cooling caps...trust me there are more fascinating details---but I will spare you)

The rolling ice chest got a lot of looks until I realized that I was the ONLY person using the cold caps so they all just thought I was super hungry and brought enough lunch to feed everyone in the infusion center...

I will spare you the details of the following:
accessing my port
what it means to access my port

I will just say it is terrifying the first time but it's not any more painful than a pin prick.

No physical pain...but when i looked down to see the catheters coming out of me I got a bit teary eyed...it's scary

After that I got settled into a bed and they started my pre-meds (benadryl, nausea meds, steroid) and then came the big bad poison.

My nurse was all gloved and gowned up when he hooked me up.  He explained that they chemo was just freshly put together for me and that there was a whole lab full of people in white hazmat gear that do it.  They risk their lives because what the chemo does to me could also do to them if they come in contact with it.

Because it is literally poison...says so right on the bag:

(that was my most recent bag)

So what does it feel like when they put the poison into you?

pain...searing pain...feels like fire running through your veins...you want to scream...

NAH...

FOOLED YA!

That's what I THOUGHT it was going to be like but honestly it felt like...nothing

and yet it felt like everything...

I cried...a lot...

I cried the second round of chemo too...

I think it is because I just never imagined I would have to have chemotherapy...never in a million years...

It's emotional for me...I'm depending on that drug to save my life but it will do some damage to me in the process of killing cancer...and it makes me feel pretty awful afterwards.

But it is a miracle and I am blessed to receive it...

Twirler Girl has been on relief duty for the last two times...she swoops in with lunch and relieves whoever brought me (my Aunt Jane did this last time) and she takes over the duty of helping me change out the cold caps every 25 minutes.

It takes about 5 hours to do the whole infusion business and then I get to go home.

5 hours every 3 weeks to live....

and that room is full of people all day long every day...and those nurses give so beautifully to all of us...I'm so blessed because they are incredible people and I love them all...

Here are two of my favorite ladies...they work with my surgeon/oncologist...they make every visit more fun and keep me sane and calm:

People make the difference when it comes to things like chemo and cancer...I've been blessed that I have the best nurses, techs, and doctors in the world...

So there you go...my most boring blog to date but it might answer some of the burning questions you have about my health (because it is ALL ABOUT ME PEOPLE! I mean I know you ALL are wanting to follow my every move on this journey....KIDDING...trust me even I don't want to know all of this crap).

How does it feel after?

Not much nausea at all (thank goodness)

More hot flashes (so much fun)

and tired...like going 9 rounds with Muhammed Ali at his prime tired...

achy like the flu

and hunger from the steroids...cheesecake and other bad stuff happens...

Basically it's not fun but totally manageable...

I know a lot of people have had it so much worse than I do...I mean I know there are far more badass types of chemo and others have had to do it more often...I am very lucky...

I promise the next blog will be more fun or uplifting or soul filling...but for now I just wanted to share my journey with you and let you know it's ok...

and please, if you know someone who is about to go through chemo that wants to keep their hair show them my story...we need to get the word out so more people can keep their hair and maybe insurance will cover it...

Inspiration Song: Poison Arrow by ABC...because I loved it and the video...and if you are a fan of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, here is the video that goes with the song...you might spy someone familiar to you that is on RHOBH...remember it was over 30 years ago...

https://youtu.be/a70yJwgQtzo

(I am sorry it won't embed the video....just copy the url)

Bye Darling...shoot that poison arrow to kill the cancer...it's so gonna be gone...

High Hopes

Hi darlings...

Today I tried to accomplish things and I was completely thwarted at every turn...

Let's start with the tummy bug I had last night at 2:00 am...

on second thought NO ONE wants to know about that...it wasn't fun...but hey it passed quickly...

It gave me a little worry about what being chemo "sick" might be like but I'm 10 days out from chemo so I am pretty sure it was either food poisoning or a bug and I think it was a bug...

but when I went back to bed I found myself wide awake and that is always trouble....

because at 2:30 am (took me a bit to get over the sick) I do one thing when I can't sleep...

I

Google...

BAD mistake

huge...

giant...

bigger mistake than the snotty shop girls made in "Pretty Woman" when they wouldn't help Julia Roberts and then she went on a big spree elsewhere...

bigger mistake than most of The Bachelor's have made when choosing their final girl...

bigger mistake than Mariah Carey made by not showing up for her sound check for NYE...

Big stupid awful mistake...

because after I had googled "how long after chemo do you get sick" and got all the satisfactory answers I did the one thing my General Practitioner expressly forbade me to do...

she told me; "under no circumstances do I want you to get on the internet and look up survivor rates and anything about your cancer"

I have been good about that until last night...

when my fingers typed out:

survival rate for stage 3C uterine papillary serous sarcoma...

OMG

OMG

OMG

There was all this medical stuff and abstracts and...

numbers

bad bad numbers

numbers where the "less than" sign was pointing to numbers that did not look positive or good

um....

shit...

yeah...

I know now why she told me not to do it...

I hear her voice in my head warning me not to look at the numbers...because most are old..and they don't take into account ME and MY HEALTH and Dr. Rockstar and all kinds of things....

but still...

I saw the numbers...

it was like someone telling me the movie I was watching was not going to end the way I wanted it to.

It felt like I had walked in on a meeting saying the world was going to end...

and trust me on this: please don't do it either...please...

If you do one thing for me, do not google those stats...

because we all need to believe that I am going to get better...

Football coaches live and breathe by stats and make decisions based on stats.  We as fans often look at the stats and use them to place bets or do our office pools.  We look at the numbers and react.

and if the stats aren't good for one player he might not hit the field...

but maybe if the coach doesn't know that the reason the player messed up last time and didn't run much was because he had something wrong with his foot, well he might not play the guy and his foot is just fine and he might be the best running back he has...but his stats aren't good...

so if we look at my stats we might see things don't look positive and we might lose hope...

so we can't have that...

so don't go to Google...

I gotta go into this with nothing but positivity

and now I know why she told me not to Google...

when I was younger I remember the first movie that made me aware of "cancer"

it was "Love Story"

(Love means never having to say you're sorry...)

Ali McGraw's character died at the end.  She was still gorgeous and not wasted away and she had all that beautiful hair...

During the 70's when I was growing up there were a lot of tv movies about cancer...none looked all that good...

And there was that damn Brian's Song...

(if you saw it you hate me right now because you are remembering it...sorry....)

And Death be Not Proud...

and all those other "this awesome person died of cancer" movies...

Well folks...that WON'T be my story...

I can't do that...my story is gonna end on a high note and not some tearjerker movie with a great theme song.

I have to look forward to the sun and not see it as darkness

I have to move ahead for an end game of happiness and not death

I have to look ahead and see my future with me as a very old lady...

I have to dream of the day I have grandchildren and not just of getting to next Christmas.

So...now that I have seen the bad stuff I am not supposed to see it's a little like meeting Voldemort (this only makes sense if you know Harry Potter).  I can't "un"-meet He Who Must Not Be Named...I met him and it was scary...

So now I have to defeat him (the cancer) but first I have to gather the horcrouxes (my chemo) and kill each one and then I can be set free...

So what I am asking for you is to continue what you are doing...send me happy videos, send me silly memes, send me jokes and funny stories...

Keep me looking forward and help me to scrub from my mind what I saw...

Keep my positive
Keep praying for my healing
Keep praying that my cancer will be gone
Keep me from drowning in fear

I need positivity and I need to only think of defeating cancer and it not defeating me...

Because the dark places are scary
and I don't like scary
and I don't like fear

I like light
and hope
and love

and I freaking hate Google...

Inspiration Song: "High Hopes" by Frank Sinatra...because if an ant can move a rubber tree plant I can beat uterine papillary serous carcinoma...

Lyrics:

Next time your found, with your chin on the ground
There a lot to be learned, so look around

Just what makes that little old ant
Think he'll move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant, can't
Move a rubber tree plant

But he's got high hopes, he's got high hopes
He's got high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your gettin' low
'Stead of lettin' go
Just remember that ant
Oops there goes another rubber tree plant

When troubles call, and your back's to the wall
There a lot to be learned, that wall could fall

Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam
No one could make that ram, scram
He kept buttin' that dam

'Cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes
He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your feelin' bad
'stead of feelin' sad
Just remember that ram
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam

All problems just a toy balloon
They'll be bursted soon
They're just bound to go pop
Oops there goes another problem kerplop

Bye Darlings...last night scared the bejeezus out of me and I won't lie it haunted me for a bit...but I made sure that I looked at those numbers and said "I will be on the greater than side of those numbers" because I am greater than statistics show...

Let Your Love Flow

Hi Darlings...

Well that last blog certainly went off the rails from where it started...

I was doing my annual "state of Anice's life" updated (I was going to call it my State of the Union but currently I have no union...I'm alone...and no I'm not whining about that in today's blog either).

Anyhoo....

I was doing my "here's what's up with Anice" stuff and somehow I ended up in a garden of friends.

That's how my blogs go...

I just type as the thoughts enter my head

(good thing I took typing in high school because I am a pretty good and fast typist and although I'm not always very quick I do have some fast thoughts as I sit and write)

anyhoo...

So we ended up in a garden...with me comparing friends to flowers and what not and I guess it was good...in any case it's just how I feel about friends.

you see to me some friends need to be cultivated and some just grow...they just get planted and with no help from anyone they bloom....because that plant was meant to be in your garden and that friendship was meant to happen between two people.

kind of like my mom and the avocado...

pull up a chair and I will tell you a story...of my mom and the avocado...

Back in the 70's it seemed to be "a thing" to try and grow an avocado from the seed of an avocado (gosh that's a hard word to type...can I call it just an avo?  yes, I shall...)

anyhoo...

it was a "thing" to try and grow an avo from the seed from an avo (ok, I have to keep changing avo from "ago" because spell check thinks I am saying ago and not avo...back to avocado)

anyhoo...

(hell this story is taking forever)

my mom decided she was going to grow and avocado from a seed...

so she washed the seed, stuck toothpicks into the side of the side like a spoke and stuck it on top of a jar of water...supposedly the seed would crack open and make a root and then you plant it.

my mom tried to do that like 400 times...

like with every seed she ever got from every avocado she ever ate.

they never cracked open and germinated...

and she wasn't the  only one...

almost every one of my friend's mom's did the same thing (MamaCarolyn and MamaBetsy and MamaPhoebe I am looking at you here...)

anyhoo...

my mama tried and tried to get herself an avocado tree going

fast forward a few years and my mom notices a strange thing is growing in one of here pots...the pot had some flowers or something in it but in the middle of whatever was growing there a small tree or tall bush was making it's way out of the soil and up...

she thought it was a weed...

turns out it was an avocado plant

seems that my sister Susu (who was about 4 at the time) decided to just stick a seed into the pot and voila...avocado plant

now I can't remember how we figured out it was an avocado plant and how we were able to get a 4 year old to tell us what she had done almost a year before but there you go...

an avocado tree

planted by a 4 year old who just stuck a seed in the ground...

the tree died the minute my mom decided to start taking care of it.

Because you see, she over nurtured it...

she did too much

she tried to hard

and all that was needed was to let the seed grow...and do it's thing

and sometimes, friendships are like that...

we don't need to FORCE it (like my mom and the toothpicks)

and we don't need to nurture it too much...or manipulate it...

we just need to let it happen...

so hey, if a friendship feels easy to you---just be you and let it happen...don't force stuff...

anyhoo...

how the hell did I get here with mom and the avocado?

oh well, this is how I write...

oh yeah, now I know where this was going and sure enough it proved to be true...

you can start off planning something and then end up somewhere else...

like on a road trip...

or...

LIFE

and that is me today...

as a child I had my life planned out...

I was going to go to TAMU, meet my husband, marry him, have a boy and girl and live happily ever after.

MOST of that happened...

TAMU---check

met hubby there---check

have boy and girl---check

live happily every after---NOT SO MUCH

I knew when they opened the church doors on my wedding day and I looked down the aisle at my future hubby that I was making a mistake

I was marrying the father of my kids but not the love of my life

but there I was in a white dress and Daddy holding my arm and all my friends there

and

shit

I had to walk up the aisle...

Daddy said "are you sure"

and that did it...he questioned it and I had to prove him wrong...

I said "let's go"

I loved my husband but I knew from the beginning that I was more in love with being a bride than with him

and thankfully after 24.5 years I released him and I from the bond that was us

end.of.fairytale.

Bride's Magazine did not discuss what to do if you weren't sure...they just had pretty wedding dresses...

I liked the dresses...

and the crowns (duh)....

When I left him I figured I would spend a few years single dating lots of fun men and meeting interesting people

I knew I wasn't going to have a lot of flings but I figured I would go on some good and some bad dates, maybe have a few relationships that lasted a few months or so and within 5 years meet the man of my dreams...

(oh crap I know this looks like a "i want a man blog" but I SWEAR it is not)

That was my plan...

dates...

boyfriends...

man of my dreams...

wedding at the Kahala in Hawaii...

yup...that was what would happen...

But it didn't....

I did meet a very nice man when I was newly single.  He taught me things about myself and was good for me and quite a lovely man.

That's all I will say about it.

period.

But I learned...

I don't discuss him because it's one thing I want to keep dear to me because I learned from it but what I learned is just for me to know.

After him there has been a drought

it's been the damn Sahara...

not even a mirage

no one has appeared on the horizon.

Once again my plans went awry and what I planned did not happen

Because...

YOU CAN'T PLAN YOU LIFE

you just can't...

Because if I did right now I would NOT have cancer and I would not be in my house alone with 3 cats.

I'd at least have been to see Rogue One with some dude who drives a big ass truck!

I was messaging with a dear friend today.  She's very special to me.  My children loved her as a teacher and I love her as a friend.

She lost a child in an accident

A very precious beautiful 15 year old girl

it haunts me and I know it has forever altered my friend and her family

she did not plan to go through life the mother of 2 children and have one of them be in heaven

But I have watched the grace with which she handles the loss...and the great faith she still has in God and in this world.

Her faith has been tested to limits I can't imagine...

and yet today she reached out to offer strength and love for my situation

(by the way that's a friendship that has been watered in tears and smiles and it grows easy)

Because just like you don't plan to lose a child...you don't plan to have cancer

because you can't plan life

you can clean of the seed, stick the toothpicks in it and plan for that avocado to grow and it won't...

it will only grow if the right seed meets the right situation...

and life, even though we can try and put in the toothpicks and force stuff to happen...and we can tell our Daddy "let's go" and march up the aisle to a man who is only sort of right, and we can think our life is going to go down one path...

detours happen and things go off the rails...

And it's how we handle things when they don't go as planned that shows what we are made of.

Maya Angelou is one of my favorite women.

She once said "you can tell a lot about a person by how they handle 3 things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights".

Those are wise words...

It's not how we plan things...it's how we handle things...

just like my mom and the avocado...she should have left the damn thing alone...

And my friend...who has taught me about loss and how to smile when the deepest hurt in the world lives inside you

and so must I handle how my life has gone off the rails...

I have cancer

and how I handle it will help me get through it and heal...

and I"m not going to PLAN how I will handle it...

because if I do it will go wrong...

but I'm going to handle it with:
FAITH
GRACE
POSITIVITY
LOVE
HUMILITY
and
STRENGTH

I do NOT handle lost luggage well at all...
I do NOT do well with mangled Christmas lights (so I bought a pre-lit tree)

but I do know that rainy days can be a gift

and so can having my plans go off the rails

So I'm gonna just let life happen and I am going to do it as best I can

And I'm not going to manipulate it

Because I know there is a purpose...and a reason...

and I'm going to let my life grow (and kill the cancer) and become what it should...

Inspiration Song: Let Your Love Flow by the Bellamy Brothers....I don't know why but I was singing it as I wrote this...it just popped in my head...must be the "let your love grow" part

Lyrics:

There's a reason for the sunshine sky
And there's a reason why I'm feelin' so high
Must be the season when that love light shines
All around us

So let that feelin' grab you deep inside
And send you reelin' where your love can't hide
And then go stealin' through the moonlit nights
With your lover

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show and you'll know what I mean
It's the season

Let your love fly like a bird on a wing
And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine and you'll know what I mean
That's the reason

There's a reason for the warm sweet nights
And there's a reason for the candle lights
Must be the season when those love rites shine
All around us

So let that wonder take you into space
And lay you under its loving embrace
Just feel the thunder as it warms your face
You can't hold back

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show and you'll know what I mean
It's the season

Let your love fly like a bird on a wing
And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine and you'll know what I mean
That's the reason

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show and you'll know what I mean
It's the season

Let your love fly like a bird on a wing
And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine and you'll know what I mean
That's the reason

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow

Bye Darlings....let your life flow...let the plants grow...

Seasons of Love

Hello Darlings!

This is one of those "off the cuff with no filter" blogs...gonna publish it without editing!  Warning...it could get crazy...

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2017...

Every year at this time I tend to blog about how I am feeling at the start of the year...and as I looked back on my previous posts I see that I mostly whined about being alone.

I already did that a few weeks ago so I think we can file the "whiny about not having a man in my life blog" away...

we don't need that again do we?

and you certainly don't want to read it...

so that's all I have to say about that (for today)...

I'm so glad 2016 is over.

Don't get me wrong---good stuff happened...

Like my son graduating from high school and going to the college of his choice.  He absolutely loves every minute of it.  He pledged a fraternity and loves that too...the kiddo is one happy man.

And my daughter is doing so well.

I look at the woman she has become and I am unbelievably proud of her.

She's beautiful and is truly her own person.

I can learn a lot from her!!!!

they are both not happy with me putting much about them on social media so that's all I have to say about them...

Bad stuff happened: friends, dear dear friends, were murdered. I can't bear to talk about it.  It is still haunting me and I miss my friend every day.  I know she and her husband are watching me from heaven and I hear her voice in my ear on the days I don't want to carry on.

That's all I have to say about  that...

And then the cancer happened in November...his name is Trump...

oops...this is not a political blog but I am pretty sure if you know me you know that man is the antithesis to all I love and believe in.

I pray each day he will not lead our country down the path he seems to be going down. I pray we can unify and that the troubles I see that have arisen since he was elected will go away.

And I dearly hope someone, anyone, will shut down his twitter account...

That's all I have to say about that...

and if my politics offend you just remember:

My Opinion
My Blog

ok so let's talk about the REAL cancer:

my cancer

ok,  maybe not...you ALL know about it...

i've discussed it ad nauseum

But I will say something that struck me the other day---I have a few friends who I have known for many many years.  We are FB and Instagram friends.  Some of them have not reached out to me at all since I was diagnosed.  I have had so many wonderful people reach out but there are these few, these ladies I have known for 20 years, that have yet to breathe a word to me.  All I can conclude is that they don't opt to follow me back on social media.  Which is perfectly fine. They are uber conservative and my leanings are---well, see above!

But it hurt my feelings because these are nice people and yet not a word.

I don't expect EVERYONE to spend all their time thinking about me, but I've known these ladies long enough to where it has become obvious that they are oblivious to my condition...or simply don't care...

and after having a good cry about it...

I unfollowed them

childish of me I know but every time I see a post they make and I "like" it and hear not a word from them I am reminded that our friendship is not what I thought it was...

and after all this revelation about that I got to really thinking about what matters and what doesn't...

does it matter that they don't seem to care?

not really...I have more than enough people who do...

but what was obvious to me is that social media does give us illusions of friendship that aren't always real.

I have found over the years that social media is great with reconnecting with old friends.

I am now quite close in real life (as opposed to social media life) with several people I hadn't seen in years.  I also stay connected to old high school friends and some of them have become quite important to me (I'm looking at you Starchild and my Twinsies and My Lamp).  Some people I knew a bit in high school are now some of the most important people in my life (Twirler Girl).

But it can flip as well.

I connected on social media with a person I did not choose to know well in high school.  This person interpreted our "friendship' as close due to social media (I was invited to her bachelorette party?!? and wedding?!?) and yet all along felt uneasy about her.  She proved her true colors.  I asked her to refrain from posting on my page after she made some comments that made real friends uncomfortable and they questioned why I was friends with such a person. A year later she blocked me.  I never felt a twinge of regret because she wasn't a REAL friend to me.

So there are both sides...and maybe to some people I am just a cyber friend (which is truly just fine) and to others I am someone to care for.

It's all very murky water...

we say "friend" but are we really friends?

Since my diagnosis I have had perfect strangers reach out to me and extend friendship.  I have several women I want to meet and plan to keep in my life.  One of them baked me a cheesecake!  One bought be a chair.  One gifted me with a basket of lovely things I can use during chemo.  But the bottom line was it wasn't the gifts---it was the gift of their time and friendship and caring that matter most.

The cheesecake will get eaten---and when I asked her what to do with the plate she said "bake something for someone!".  Now that's some pretty good sharing of love right there.

The chair will get used daily, but it was the kindness that she just DID it for a stranger that makes me feel cozy when I climb into it.

The basket of goodies will get used, but mostly I just want to sit and have tea with this wonderful lady who cared enough to want to comfort me!

Friendship is a beautiful gift we give others.

Some friends are for a lifetime and some just for a season or reason.  I have come to realize who my "season" people are and who my "lifers" are as I have been on this journey.

It's not that cancer is telling me who is and isn't my friend, it just has taught me how very valuable the gift of love and time is when we give it to others and I plan to forever spread as much love and friendship around as I can.

I won't be stingy with it...

I won't keep it from others.  Even those women who I unfollowed (I went back and changed it because I felt guilty...it won't change anything but I feel less childish).

I will share it with the world...

And I will nurture those relationships...new and old...and take time to water my garden of friends...but also carefully looking for weeds and taking them out because they are toxic.

Cancer is teaching me things...more about myself than I imagined.

It's not about my health as much as it is about LIFE.

It's showing me where I am selfish...where I am acting like a toddler...where I need to work harder....where I need to let go...

And this year I plan to cultivate a huge garden of friends....

friends who blossom at different seasons...

friends who are always there and blooming...

friends who keep growing happily with little help from me...

and those who need lots of TLC because their needs are more than mine...

some are vegetables---they nourish me

some are flowers---they add beauty to my world

some are trees---they are my strength

some are plants that we plant to nurture the soil---they are the ones who keep coming back to nurture me

and yes, some are weeds---they gotta go...

So I am gonna cultivate my garden of friendship and watch it grow....

I want acres and acres of REAL friends...those who I know I can say "help" to and they are ready to be there (like my friend I call Lamp---who even offered to drive down with his wife to comfort me when I was diagnosed and when my friends were killed---that's some good stuff people and yeah he knows I am a liberal).

How do you measure a year?  or a life?

I think it is more about what GOOD happened than bad...

more about the mistakes we made and learned from than what we succeeded at

more about how much love we shared rather than what we took in

For me 2016 was very very rough

and I hope when I write this blog in 2018  on New Year's Day that I am free of cancer, have a garden of friends, have my hair still hanging down my back, have happy children (one of who should graduate), have my kitties to love, have wonderful students to love, and maybe a man with a big ass truck who doesn't mind loving a woman who has been forged in fire...

So 2017 will be my gardening year...cultivating love all around me while I fight for my life...

I want to be an inspiration not a drain..

I want to share what I learn as I go...

I want to pay it forward...

I want to be healed and help others to heal too...

And if you are worried that you are one of the people I mentioned above...well, don't!  Because if you are reading this YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON.  If you care enough to read my drivel you are my friend...

Make 2017 a year not just in your life but one to remember...

Measure it in good things...

and for heaven's sake put 2016 behind you!!!!!

And love....just love...


Inspiration Song: "Seasons of Love" from Rent.  Because how do we measure a year?  I like the way Jonathan Larson put it in words....here they are:

Seasons of Love:

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Bye Darlings...measure your life in cups of coffee and tears you cried and not in your wealth  or material things...I plan to measure mine in love...

She Used to be Mine

Hi Darlings!

I survived my first round of chemo...and in another blog I will go into that ....but tonight I need to pour my feelings out again and not just "report" so here goes...

buckle up...

it might get "unpretty"

Soooooooo........

First round of chemo is done...

5 more to go....

as I type that I let out a big sigh...yes, a big sigh...

you see it's because I long for the day that I wasn't sick...

I want to go back 3 months when the only thing I was worried about was how to make a 6'4" boy into a Cheshire Cat and how many soldiers we had to make...

when the bleeding that brought all of this to reality was just...

bleeding...

when it was something I was told "might be normal at your age because of menopause" and not to panic

but then the bleeding got worse

and I felt worse

and...

panic...

I want to go back to being that girl who was more worried about meeting a nice guy than whether or not I keep my hair

I want to go back to being that girl who worried about losing weight and not about losing her life

I want to go back to being that girl who worried for others and not herself

I.am.so.sick.of.myself.

I

am

so

sick

of

myself

I am so ready to not have people worry about me or need to pray for me

I am so ready to not have all my conversations lead to a discussion of my health

I am so ready to not complain about how I feel

I am so ready to not feel bad

I am so ready to not see worry and pity in the eyes of my friends

I am so ready to be

N
O
R
M
A
L

NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL
NORMAL

I am so sick of being SICK

and I am no where close to done

and I do not have nearly as much illness as others do

and I don't have as badass a treatment as others do

and I don't have as scary a cancer as others do

You want to get scared right back into your "thank God I don't have cancer" comfort zone?

Go to the 29th floor of 6400 Fannin....or MD Anderson...or wherever they treat cancer at any of the other hospitals...

go there

it will scare the bejeezus out of you...

I get off the elevators there and think "why the hell am I here?"

Actually, that's not right...here's the REAL conversation in my head:

"Damn this elevator shoots up so fast and now my ears are popping and oh thank God we have stopped and why the hell does it say "Cancer Center" and oh lordy I have a UT Physician and why am i here and damn she looks sick and damn he looks sick and omg she has lost her leg and omg that is a bad wig poor thing and ok she looks healthy oh no she's just with someone who is sick and why am i here?  I mean what the hell why I am here?  I don't have cancer...this is a dream...a terrible dream...I don't have cancer and I don't have all this crap I have to do to live...and oh jeez they are calling my name and now here is that nice nurse i love but oh crap here is the blood pressure machine that hates me and says "cancer center" on the side to remind me i have cancer and why the hell am I hear and why do I have an oncologist when I am not sick and I don't have cancer..."

It goes

on

and

on

just like that...the whole time...

The whole time I was getting chemo I kept thinking I was in a nightmare...

I couldn't believe I was there...that I have a port in me and that they had to "access my port" and put poison into my body...

When my nurse started the taxol...

I

cried...

yup...big old ugly cry...

I felt bad for him having to watch me...

I'm reminded each night that I have a port because it hurts to lay on my side...

the realization that i have cancer never leaves me...

even when I sleep

So really, I just want to start 2017 and forget 2016 ever happened...

because it ended shitty

and I'm already sick of myself

sick of  the sick girl

sick of complaining in this blog

sick of pouring out my soul in pain

sick of being someone who needs prayers

I like to take care of people

I like to pray for others

and I like to do the fussing over others and not myself...

but that girl is gone

she's a distant memory

she's somewhere behind me

and

yet

she's IN FRONT OF ME too

I see her

shimmering in the distance

like a mirage

but she's real and not a mirage

and I have to crawl naked on my belly on burning cement over broken glass to get to her...and I can only go an inch at a time and she's miles away

but

she's

there....

and

she

used

to

be

mine

and

she

will

again

Inspiration Song: "She Used to be Mine" by Sara Bareilles for the musical "Waitress".  The song is so beautiful and when sung by Jesse Mueller it brings me to my knees.  The words are powerful and just how I feel:

She Used to Be Mine

Sara Bareilles

It's not simple to say
Most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt
But who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Erjdq6wwRuU

Bye Darlings----she used to be mine and one day she will again...I will be myself...I will be whole...I will be healed....but for now she is gone...

12 Days of Christmas (Cancer)

Hi darlings...

So here's what's going on with me...

with apologies to whoever wrote the original song...

On the first day of Cancer my Dr said to me:
you have uterine cancer

On the second day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
you have 2 gynecologists
and you have uterine cancer...

On the 3rd day of cancer my Dr said to me:
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
and you have uterine cancer

on the 4th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologist
and
you have uterine cancer...

on the 5th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer...

on the 6th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
6 rounds of chemo
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer

on the 7th day of cancer my dr said to me:
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of the poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer

on the 8th day of cancer my Dr said to me:
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery...
4 nights in the hospital
3 lymph glands with cancer
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer

on the 9th day of cancer my Dr said to me:
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer...

On the 10th day of cancer my Dr said to me:
10 days post surgery why are you off pain meds? (she was surprised)
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer...

On the 11th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:
11 inch long incision
10 days and no pain meds?
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer...

on the 12th day of cancer my Dr. said to me:

it's the 12th day and it's Stage 3...

11 inch long incision
10 days and no pain meds?
9 things that got biopsied
8 kinds of supplements
7 hours for the chemo
6 rounds of poison
5 hours of surgery
4 nights in the hospital
3 cancerous lymph glands
2 gynocologists
and
you have uterine cancer...

So there you have it....I went from zero to Fear-o in one quick conversation and went from having just my beloved gyno caring for me to a handful of docs, all kinds of meds, chemo, surgeries (hysterectomy and putting the port in) and all kinds of other scary stuff.

But I wanted to give you a little laugh and a little insight into what it's like to be me...

so hear you go...

all the fun of cancer!!!!!

The Lord Has a Will

Hi Darlings...

Oh the lovely indignities of cancer...and how it messes with you...

You think you have energy to do stuff and halfway through whatever you are doing you realize you are dead tired...no energy...

I have nosebleeds sometimes...one even happened at lunch the other day...

and then there is the pills and the meds...

I have so many things to take I had to get a special pill sorter just so I could keep them straight...they are all OTC kinds of supplements to help me with the side effects of the chemo...

And I have to inject myself with a blood thinner---yet another one of the lovely little indignities I get to suffer...and it is every 12 hours...

Yes, twice a day I get to jam a needle into my stomach and push a stinging medication into it.

Have I mentioned that I really really hate needles?

Well, I do...needles are terrible.

But so are blood clots so I guess I am sticking myself with the needles until 28 days post surgery are up...

I had to leave work the other day because I could feel myself feeling awful...

I was warned I was doing too much...and I guess I was...

But you see, I have ADD so one of two things happens:
1) I get restless and have to get out and do stuff
or
2) I don't listen or pay attention when people tell me to slow down

BOTH happened...

And so I went home that day and I just sat in my bed and sighed like some sad little toddler that had her favorite toy taken away.

I GET IT

I HAVE CANCER

AND I JUST HAD MAJOR SURGERY

I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING

But in my head I can...

just like in my head I am a size 6 with no wrinkles and slim thighs...

I still am struggling with believing that growing inside my body are cancer cells who have the intent on growing and spreading and killing me...

why couldn't they have all been nicely contained in the uterine package?

But no...I have to have special unicorn princess cancer that is strange and seems to have changed (the first pathology found one type, the second batch of pathology another)

I get up most days and forget about it until I have to jab the needle into my belly...but that's really just about my surgery and not the cancer

But then little things jolt me back into the very ugly reality I am in and I get smacked in the face with the cancer stuff...

Like yesterday---I got to go and get another CT scan...

And then today I got my port put in so that I don't get jammed with iv needles all the time.

And then Friday is the first round of 6 chemo infusions.

So.many.doctor.things.

The contrast for the CT gave me terrible itching and hives so at 4am this morning I was scratching like I had been rolled in burlap and thrown into a pile of hay.  I took Benadryl and it helped but I went into today's little surgery to put the port in quite tired.

The port didn't hurt too bad, just for a few minutes while the doc numbed the site...and I had hoped to sleep a bit while it was done but noooooo

I had to end up with the doctor who decides to chat the whole time...

I finally found someone who talks more than me!

So now I am itchy and tired...and it hurts where the port is...

and oh...it is sooooooo annoying...

So yeah I have all this cancer stuff...

so let's just add to it...

Let's throw in....

drumroll please...

MENOPAUSE

which has come into my life like some sort of jet landing on a carrier...

BAM

here's the hot flashes coming fast and furious!!!!!!

The other day my sweet friend NursePhyllis stopped by with an awesome gift: a cool gel pillow for my hot little head.

That should also help with the hair loss prevention...

It's a wonderful pillow and I have slept better with it.

I'm hot all the time, even with this cold blast, so it is a gift from heaven.

And yeah, I am the girl who is now gonna be in short sleeves while everyone else is huddled in jackets...

And my appetite is off...and I haven't even had my first dose of chemo...

But I am bound and determined that I am going to have a good holiday and I am going to get my work done and I am gonna still live my life.

I even signed up for a take 30 classes in 45 days at my beloved Revolution Studio as a way to make sure that as long as I feel up to it, I will hit the bike or mat.  I might not be the fierce front row warrior that I used to be but if I can just get on the bike and pedal or move through a flow I will feel like myself again...just a bit...

I am trying to do something each day that makes me move forward instead of freezing in place...

But right now I am so very tired...and I hurt...and it just feels like I am looking up a very high mountain that I have to climb...

But when I have these moments it literally bring me to my knees...

because of fear

because of pain

because of the loss of control

because of the damn cancer

I remember that I am a child of God...and that He knows every tear I will shed...every hair on my head that I may or may not lose...every ache and itch...He knows...

and it's not for naught...

Because He will guide my doctors to heal me...

and my faith in Him and my friends faith in His power to heal me will get me through...

I know some of you are not Christians or Jews...some may believe and some may not...

It doesn't matter to me if you do or don't because my job is not to make people believe or to judge if  you do...

But I do believe...

I have to...

Because I need to know that there is a reason for all of this pain and fear...and that He will use me to do something good in this world...

it might be to get women to see a doctor...

or to show strength when I feel I have none...

or to inspire in some way...

or maybe just the words in my blog will resonate with someone...

I don't know what it is, but I know it's something...

I know I will be living proof of faith and healing...

I will conquer this to show not that I am great but that He is...

and that my doctors know how to take me and fix me...

And when it is all done...

and I am at rest and blessed that it will be good...

So despite all my tears and complaints and fussing and anger I know that there is a purpose to all of this and I just have to follow it through...

The Lord has a will...

And I will follow...

Inspiration song: "The Lord has a Will" by Amy Grant...Her first album was one I played and sang to over and over in high school.  I even learned sign language to this song.  And I turn to her music once again to let her sweet voice carry me through the hills and valleys of fear and pain and to find peace in the music...yeah it's not Beyonce...there are times and places for Bey but right now I just need Amy...

Here are the words:

I need you Lord, in all I do.
You're always there to see me through.
I can't get by unless I lean on you, Lord.

The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.

Your law of love is in my heart.
You wrote it there, it won't depart.
It lights my way, and keeps me out of the dark.

The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.

I thank you, Lord. Your word is sown
into my life, and there it's grown.
It's roots go deep where living waters are known.

The Lord has a will,
and I have a need
to follow that will;
to humbly be still.
To rest in it, nest in it,
fully be blessed in it;
following my father's will.

Bye Darlings...it's been a rough couple of days...but now I will find that rest and stillness...and allow the healing to start...