Hello Darlings...
In a few days (more or less depending on when you read this blog) The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) is going to turn 17
which is completely impossible because I literally just birthed him 5 minutes ago
But here we are discussing college and prom...he's taking SAT's and AP courses...he drives himself to school (and everywhere) and even drove himself 5 1/2 hours to be a camp counselor at his camp...
He came out of me hungry and smiling...and has been so ever since...
he has beautiful blue eyes and one perfect dimple on his left cheek...
he is the most beautiful human I have ever seen---along with his equally beautiful sister...
he was an easy baby...
sorta...
bless his heart for all his perfection he had terrible ears...or rather Eustachian tubes...
poor baby got an ear infection every month until he got tubes put in at 11 months...
he was miserable with it and his father wasn't sure he entirely liked him that first year...he screamed his head off in the car (we later figured out that something about how the "bucket" seat of the little basket carseat sat him at an angle that made the fluid in his ears hurt him all the more...we changed car seats and it changed our lives).
One day I left my (now ex-) hubby in charge of the two kids so I could go to a meeting. I found out later that my daughter is a tattletale and my ex could have brain farts of stupidity...
He was giving the kids a bath and my son had a tub that was large and would sit inside our large corner tub....if you filled both tubs just right both kids could have a bath at the same time. Kesha Barbie was almost 5 at that time and TCBITW was about 3-4 months old.
The phone rang and Dad went to answer it...
the phone was in the other room...
It was my mother calling to check how Dad was doing with his first real time alone with the kids (seriously at that point I had only left him in charge for an hour or so and this was more like 4).
he chats with her a while (on the cordless phone and he had returned to the bathroom) and Kesha Barbie casually says:
"Daddy, TCBITW is under water"
apparently he told her to quiet down so he could hear "Nona" (my mom)
and then he realized what had been said...
and he walks over to the tub and sees that my son has slid under the water and is completely submerged and looking up at him with his big blue eyes open
no telling how long it had been but I have been assured it could not have been more than 10 seconds...
10 SECONDS!!!!
he drops the phone
my mom starts screaming
Kesha Barbie is laughing and saying "he almost drownded!"
and thankfully my son was breathing
And then the bad parenting mafia agreed "not to tell" me and told Kesha Barbie that "mommy doesn't need to know anything about this"...
I was home all of 30 seconds before Kesha Barbie spilled the beans...much to Dad's chagrin as he had tried to get her to bed early in hopes she wouldn't tell me:
"TCBITW almost drownded"
He's a good dad but it was a while before I left him alone with the kids again and every once in a while I play the "well at least I never almost let you drownded" card with him
(and yes, drownded was what she said and it stuck)
The fact that I am now facing that he will head to college in less than 18 months is making me want to drownded myself...
Lucky for me he wants to go to my alma mater and it is less than 2 hours away and I hope I will see him a lot more than I see his sister who is a 4.5 hour plane ride away...
One day I told him;
"you know---you will be so close that maybe on Sundays I will drive up and we can go to brunch"
he sighed loudly, rolled his eyes, said "oh MOM!" and headed to his bedroom
I was totally messing with him
but 5 minutes later he emerged from his bedroom and said:
"would coming for brunch include you maybe cooking things or bringing food to stock my fridge and maybe helping with laundry? If so then fine..."
I stared at him in disbelief
and I am still not sure to this day if he knew I was messing with him so he was messing back
and hell to the yeah I am going up there sometime during his first few weeks of school and taking him to brunch
and I will stock the hell out of that fridge and I will TAKE HIS LAUNDRY WITH ME SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO GO BACK THE NEXT WEEK
(and all of you out there that are shaking your heads and thinking "she is truly out of her mind" can just shake your heads because I am out of my mind and I will do it...)
I am trying to prep him now...
we are learning about laundry (he got a head start on that at camp because counselors do the laundry)
I am teaching him to cook...on the list are:
eggs (fried and scrambled)
steak
burgers
baked potato
bacon
quesadillas
tacos
beans
white chili
reubens
various sandwiches
I have been seasoning and using a cast iron skillet to give him and I plan to send him with a griddle/Panini maker that he can use for making quesadillas and tortillas and sandwiches...he plans to live with his best friend and hopefully between the two of them and the dining hall they will be fine...
according to my son if you put enough sriracha or Cholula on stuff it makes anything edible...so I do believe he will survive
I had to get used to him being a big dog varsity football player this year...next year I am going into training when he does so I can survive all the parties and tailgates before and after the games and practice my calm varsity mom face when he gets hit. I did pretty damn good when his leg got broken and everyone around me was looking at me as I walked down the longest stadium steps in the world---the fact I had recently had botox helped my "resting bitch face" look like the epitome of calm and collectedness and serenity...because inside I was screaming and wanted to launch myself over the wall and onto the field and hold my baby
Apparently the botox has worn off because the resting bitch face has returned to bitch face and is no longer serene looking...he can read me like a book again...
time to call the amazing Dr. Baldwin and get that fixed so I can maintain my look of calm when he tells me things like "I don't really want to go to prom"...
I swear he wants to deprive me the pleasure of gushing over how amazing he looks in a tux and taking a bunch of photos of him and his date and continually saying how cute they are and to make good choices...
He's not a big socializer...he has friends at school but really mostly just spends time with his "gang" that is comprised of 6 boys who have all been close friends since middle school and now all go to different high schools
he is a nerd...and I am proud of that...
His college counselor is new this year and when they had their first meeting she looks across the desk at this football player with a shaved head (thank you senior football players) and a broken leg (thank you idiot sophomore who should not have been playing varsity that hit him) and she opens his file and looks at him and says:
"Who are you!?!?"
his answer "I am a linebacker/wrestler that happens to love science and math"
he's always had duality...
he is a nerd and a jock
he is tough but he still cries
he's an independent young man that still kisses me goodnight every night
he plays these wild video games and yet is the sweetest boy I know
he calls me when he is heading home (before he leaves school)...
he takes great care of me when I am sick (like fetching things for me or going to the store)
he doesn't complain if I ask him to run errands or take care of things around the house
he cares about his studies and is proud he takes honors and AP classes
He got disappointed in himself when he didn't do well this wrestling season.
He only got to wrestle for 3 weeks and then the season ended...it hurt him so much to lose this season with the broken leg because last year he lost his whole season with a pulled/strained elbow ligament. He loves to wrestle and he loves his team...and he is very very good at it...
and when I saw the disappointment on his face when he lost one of his last matches and saw how he was fighting tears I saw a little boy and all I wanted to do was hold him tight and kiss on him and rock him in my arms like I did when he was 3 (but instead I was a good varsity wrestling mom and I just hugged him and told him I loved him)...and when he lost his last match of the season to his friend and yet no tears happened and he smiled and hugged his friend I saw a man...
and I saw a great man when I saw him go to stand at the mat and cheer on his friend in the finals and he did it without me telling him to do so...
I can't stop him from growing up
I can only help him to become a good man and all help him develop all the potential he has
I don't have to dress him anymore...although there are some days I really want to when I see how he has costumed himself and he thinks it works...
I thankfully no longer have to change a diaper or bathe him anymore (although when he had a broken leg we did have to work as a team to keep that cast dry)
I no longer have to feed him with a fork or cut his meat...I just throw a Fred Flintstone sized piece of meat at him and I get a growl of approval...
I don't get to kiss the boo-boos but I still get to hold him when he is hurt (when no one is really looking) and he will still hug me in public...
and he makes a great designated driver when we go out to dinner so I can have a second glass of wine and not worry...
I'm not ready for him to be so grown up and yet I am so very proud of the grownup he is becoming
and I can't wait to see what 17 brings and what comes with 18...
When I was 17 I was in college...I was forced to grow up quickly because when my parents divorced I had to do a lot of caretaking of my siblings because my mom was too busy trying to find the next man to love and my stepmonster really didn't want much to do with us...I went to college knowing how to cook 3 course meals from start to finish without a recipe and how to do laundry and make beds and fold clothes and sheets (not that I ever did fold sheets at school and laundry got done when I ran out of underwear). I went to college to get away from my family and to finally have the chance to try and be myself and not have my parents telling me how perfect I needed to be...
My son will spend his year of being 17 being a junior and senior in high school...playing football... being the captain of the wrestling team and wrestling...hanging out with his buddies...taking AP courses and being the nerd of the football team who also happens to hit more people than anyone...he will be a camp counselor this summer and will play 7 on 7 football in the horrid Texas heat in July...he will learn to do laundry but I won't teach him how to fold a fitted sheet because I know he never will...
he's The Cutest Boy in the World...I love him and his sister more than I thought it was possible to love another human...that love is so fulfilling and encompassing that I don't just FEEL blessed I KNOW I am blessed...I wake up every day amazed at how incredibly lucky I am to be the mom to these two amazing humans...
I miss having a little boy who sits in my lap and gives me kisses...I miss the baby that always threw his arm over my shoulder...I miss the toddler who hated sleeves on shirts and never wore shoes...I miss the little boy who would pull out his own teeth and once got his neck skin stuck in a zipper (thankfully it was his neck and not down below)...I miss the little boy who mispronounced words in the most charming way (Darling Dana I can hear you laughing right now at how he would say your name) and I really miss the sweet baby I nursed at my breast who would look up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I knew just what being lost in love truly meant...
I can't imagine how I will find the strength to walk back to my car and drive home after I settle him in his dorm at school...the other day I was telling my sweet friend Jen the Awesome how I was already having a hard time thinking about it and I started to cry (and thankfully she knows I am crazy and loves me despite it and gently patted my arm and smiled that beautiful smile of hers that was comfort...I know she will be among the many I will need to keep me happy and busy when he goes)...if I am crying now I don't know how bad I will be when the time really comes
Of course God does have a way of making you just a tiny bit sick of them before they go (I learned this with Kesha Barbie) but he's my youngest and being divorced and without a spouse when he goes it is just me and the cats...
I have sweet friends who have lost children...I can't imagine how horrific that pain is...it's a place that I can't relate to because unless you have lost a child you can't know what a terrible place that is...and when I think of letting him go I think of my sweet friends and realize that sending my boy to college is a step they won't get to take with their precious child and if they can find the strength to get out of bed each day I can certainly send my son down the highway to college...I gather strength when I think of you SP and SK and I love you and not a day goes by that I don't think of your loss...
I am going to enjoy this next 18 months...it will be a roller coaster and I will have many highs and I am sure there will be some lows but I am most grateful that God blessed me with this amazing son of mine (and my beautiful daughter) and I will do everything I can to launch him into this world of being an adult...
I didn't really want a boy...I wanted to have another girl...
I didn't like "boys" sports and boy clothes are not nearly as fun as girl stuff...I'm a girl who loves tutus and glitter not football jerseys and camo...
I wasn't sure how I would handle all the boy stuff and farts and peeing in bushes and fart noises and everything is a gun and the way little boys take everything apart just to see all the parts...
but I did just fine
except for the farts part...I'm still not good with that...
I ate dinner with a boy who turned food into a helicopter and a fork was a gun...
I quit caring that the shirt and shorts didn't match perfectly and was sort of glad not to have to find a matching bow
I love watching my son wrestle and I can tolerate the football and I miss lacrosse...
I've learned to breathe through my mouth when me son walks in from football and smells like horse manure (I have smelled a lot of horse manure so it's ok) and I have learned to pick up his nasty wet practice clothes and not die (because my own clothes after spin class are just as nasty)...
His room smells like a combination of a locker room and Kool aid...it's hot because of the tv and computer being on and all the drawers are wide open and nothing is put perfectly away...I really don't care...
He's my boy...and I am the luckiest mom in the world because TCBITW calls me "Mom"...
Inspiration Song: "Edge of Seventeen" by my rock goddess Stevie Nicks...come on now how could I not? I thought about "At 17" by Janis Ian but that song is super depressing...and yeah this is about an older woman and a younger man but at least it doesn't make you want to cry...
Bye darlings...sons are a wonder...so are daughters...and raising kids is a privilege...now go and tell them you love them...
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Monday, March 2, 2015
Big Yellow Taxi
Hello Darlings...
Oh I know you are just itching to know why the hell I would post "Big Yellow Taxi" as a blog title...
are you thinking I ran off to New York?
Stay with me here...don't scroll to the bottom to see why "Big Yellow Taxi" is the name of this blog...just roll with me...
I have been sick for the past 2 weeks...it started off as a little sinus infection and blew up into a nasty respiratory infection...like I could totally relate to the Mucinex commercials...
it was vile...
It took a major antibiotic and a narcotic cough syrup to get me through it...and a lot of broth and tea and Mucinex and time in bed...
it was like the flu without fever...
and I sounded like a 90 year old ex-smoker with emphysema...
nasty stuff...
I whined and moaned about it endlessly on Facebook...
(yes that does help you feel better when you whine and moan on FB)
GOTT called me in for a meeting and I think he regretted it 2 minutes in to it when my coughs were literally shaking the curtains in the black box theater...he kept saying "you sound awful"...
duh...
in his defense I told him I was doing better...but he wisely kept his distance...
I tried to fight it off but it became apparent that this was going to take drugs...
big powerful strong drugs...
when I saw the doc he told me "go home to bed"...I informed him I was going to drive to Dallas as soon as we were done and he almost jumped off his stool...
once I explained it was The Cutest Boy in the World's (TCBITW) state wrestling championships he "got it" but he still didn't love that I was driving from Houston to Dallas by myself...
so I went and filled my prescriptions and headed to Dallas and literally walked into the gym just in time to see TCBITW on the mat and wrestling.
He fought so hard...
at one point he was winning...
and then he got pinned at the last second...
I saw my son literally crush under the weight of the kid pinning him...the look of disappointment on his face was crushing to me...he went and sat by himself for a while and then he came over and sat in the bleachers with the rest of the team and their families...
"I should have won"
"You COULD have won"
"but I SHOULD have won that match..."
and then I reminded him he had been back to wrestling for less than 3 weeks...he was still recovering from a broken leg...and basically all of last season he was laid up with an elbow injury so he hadn't really been on the mat for almost 2 years.
The other boy had been training since November...he had had many matches...my son had wrestled 3 times since January of 2014 when he had 3 matches and got re-injured on his first time out for the season...
I drove to Dallas NOT to watch him wrestle...
I drove to Dallas to be a mom...
and despite the fact I felt horrible and just wanted to go to bed I knew I was supposed to be there for that conversation and to tell my son that he was the most amazing boy in the world and that it would all come back to him...and that next season they better watch out because TCBITW was going to be a hurricane...
we went back to the hotel...he went with his team and I checked in and ordered room service and watched shark tank and instantly regretted that I was staying at the same hotel at 3 wrestling teams...
but then I remembered they had curfew and sure enough the floor was so quiet I needn't have worried...
wrestlers are good boys...
I showered and drank a glass of wine and took my narcotic cough meds and
wowzers...
I mean...
woah!
That stuff knocked me out...
I am sensitive to any kind of drug and I pretty much passed out...
one glass of wine NEVER does that to me so I knew it was the cough syrup...
(I am, after all, a black belt in wine drinking...)
at 6 AM I was bolted awake by the coach texting me asking me if the boys had breakfast...
8 texts later we got it figured out and I pray to the good Lord above that I made sense because at that point I think I still was "under the influence"
nothing like looking like an idiot in front of your son's coach...especially if you are the team mom...even if it is by text...
So I headed up to watch my kid wrestle a few more boys and was so excited to see him pin his next opponent...
and then...
uh oh...
he had to wrestle his friend Diesel...
(his real name is not Diesel but in middle school that is what we called this sweet boy because he was like a diesel engine...unstoppable...)
The reason Diesel wrestles is because TCBITW talked him into it in 8th grade...
they like each other....they don't hang out...but they do like each other...
they have been friends since they were 4 years old...
So Diesel goes over and tells TCBITW that they are going to wrestle each other...Diesel's mom and I laugh about it...
and then it happens...
it's a fair fight...
they wrestle their hearts out...
and Diesel pins my son...
they hug after...and hug again...
and my son comes over to the bleachers to me and gives me a hug but this time there are no tears in his eyes like the night before...
there is no defeat there...
there is acceptance that he was bested by someone who has been working at this for months and he has been working at this for 3 weeks...
(just as an aside here...my kid is the captain of the team so even though he only hit the mat for 2 tournaments because of his broken leg he went to EVERY meet and watched EVERY match...I am proud of him for sitting through roughly over 100 hours of wrestling while just sitting in a chair)
he knew that Diesel had beaten him because he had worked harder at it...this time there was no "I SHOULD"...he GOT it...
you can't just show up and win...you have to work for it...
I mean yeah sometimes you can just show up and win but the victory is far sweeter if you have put the effort in to it...
Diesel was to wrestle for 3rd place...and just before he was to take the mat again I looked for my son. I was going to suggest he go and stand at the side of the mat (what you do in wrestling when your team mate or someone important to you is on the mat) and support his friend...
I looked for my son...
he wasn't sitting in the bleachers...
he was walking to the mat to support his friend...
Diesel's own team mates were not there...they were watching another boy...
but my son was...
he was right there where his friend could see him...
and he yelled and cheered and coached him and when it was over and Diesel won...
my son hugged him...
at that moment I was prouder of my boy than I would have been if he had won a medal himself...
I will give up medals for class...
for showing up for your friend...
for putting someone else ahead of yourself...
for being a person who can give up ego in favor of friendship...
it meant the world to Diesel and his parents...and I couldn't stop crying...
when I saw my son I told him I was prouder of him at that moment than I would have been had he been on the podium....he thought it was no big deal because he KNEW it was what he should do...
Can you tell I am still busting proud about this?
to hell with state titles...give me a kid who GETS it!
I hugged Diesel and told him I was proud of him and loved him...he told me it meant everything to him that TCBITW was there for him...
That was awesome...
My son lost a wrestling season...he lost last season too...he loves to wrestle...he loves the sport and being on the mat...he love the victory and he accepts his defeats...
But when you lose a season and come back and the gold medal is in your grasp and slips away...
you don't know how much that can hurt...
and how much you miss what could have been...
when it was all over my son got on the bus and headed to In N Out burger and inhaled 2 double double animal style burgers, two orders of fries, a shake and a diet coke...
I had that minus the 2 of everything and no shake...
I headed back alone in my car and had to pull over halfway home to wake myself back up from my food and residual drug coma...
um next time I might listen to the doc...
maybe...
I hit up Bucees for jerky and steaks and made it home fine but tired...TCBITW was about an hour behind and came home full, fed, and not as disappointed as he might have thought he would have been..
and then the "gunk" hit me full force and I was pretty much laid up for the next week...
the worst part was that I couldn't work out....
I was missing my beloved spin classes...
and it was killing me...
but you have to be able to breathe to spin and I pretty much could not draw breath without coughing up a lung...
I had already missed most of the week before and now I missed another full week...
ugh...
every time I called to cancel my bike I cried...
I missed the classes and the sweat....
I missed the way I could lose myself on the bike
I missed just feeling a beat and riding to it and not thinking
but more than that I missed the people...
I missed this great community of people who work at the studio and that come and work out at the studio...
I missed sweaty hugs and high fives after surviving the evil that has been thrust upon us by tiny humans that are truly the nicest people ever until they get in front of you and bark at you to "reach down and turn it up" and make you spin your ass off...
I missed seeing someone who you only knew there in the studio but knew that person was riding beside you and working as hard as you...
I missed the young girls who call me their "mama Anice" who lift me up each day...my KuteKara and my KuteKatie and my AmazingAshley and my BrookieBrooke and CarmenMiranda and BeautifulBritta...oh how I missed those beautiful girls...
I missed my spirit animal Jose...who tells me to never give up...
I missed the incredible instructors not just during class but for the laughs and love after...and the studio team who literally sometimes are the best part of my day...
I missed that beautiful place full of people who not just ride together but have formed friendships and bonds and greet each other with love and enthusiasm at the start or end of a long day...
When you have to be away from something you love it is so very hard...
but tonight I came back...
I totally wanted to die...
I cried because I made it through...and Marvelous Mel played my Miley anthem for me and I rode that bike 6 like I was it's boss...
Coming back is hard...it is hard knowing you are going to want to DIE about song 3 and that you might puke....
it's hard to breathe and not cough up a lung when you have been sick...
but I had to get back on that bike and back to my peeps...
if my son could get back on the mat I after a broken leg I could get back on the bike...
my son missed getting to wrestle...he loves to wrestle and he missed being the one on the mat fighting so hard and working so hard to beat the other boy...
I missed having sweat pour off me as I pushed my body to do what I never ever thought it could do at age 50
I never thought I would be 50 years old and literally cry because I couldn't go to a spin class...
when I was 40 I just figured I would be a sad overweight woman in an unhappy marriage that was content to watch tv and eat whatever she felt like eating because she gave up...
but thankfully that girl went away in favor of a girl who loves to exercise and sweat and eats healthy and is happy...and divorced...
So...have you figured out why this is "Big Yellow Taxi"?
Joni Mitchell is a wise woman...
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL ITS GONE...
For me I missed sweating and working out (but rest assured just because I mentioned my marriage NOT ONCE did I miss that once it was gone...I missed having a human next to me to cuddle but NOT THE HUMAN I WAS MARRIED TO)
My son missed getting to wrestle but found happiness and satisfaction in cheering for a friend who had worked hard all season for it...
We all miss things in our lives...
stop for a moment and appreciate what you have...what you love...what you would miss that might surprise you...
I don't think my son would have told you "I miss being on the mat" if he had not broken his leg...
and I wouldn't have realized how much I would miss the community I ride with and how much I miss sweating (and how much I still miss sweating with JayVee) until I was forced to not get to go...
(thank you nasty respiratory infection)
yes we miss the big things in life...our parents when we go away...our lovers when they go on a business trip...our kids when they go to camp or college...our family and pets when they pass away (ok that is a HUGE one and should not be lumped in here... but you get where I am coming from)
but sometimes it takes us by surprise when the things we miss are not what we expected...
so appreciate all you have...even the little things...even sweat...and boys killing each other on a mat...and DVRs (so much better than VCRs) and food on the table and sunshine and all the little things in life that make it good...
appreciate all you have been given
appreciate...
everything...
Inspiration Song: "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell...a song to remind us all that we need to appreciate things before we lose them...or before we miss them...this song moves me every time and every time I hear it I am reminded to appreciate all that I have...Counting Crows and Amy Grant did awesome versions of the song if you aren't a fan of Joni...listen to it...
Bye Darlings...don't pave paradise to put up a parking lot...and if you don't know what I am talking about here are the words to this awesome song...and if you don't know who Joni Mitchell is...well learn who she is before I pat you on your darling little head...
They paved paradise put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot
Chorus:
Don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
The paved paradise put up a parking lot
They took all the trees, put 'em in a tree museum,
And they charge the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em
Chorus
Hey farmer farmer, put away the DDT now
Give me spots on my apples, but leave me the birds and the bees
Please
Chorus
Late last night, I heard the screen door slam,
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man.
Chorus x 2
The paved paradise put up a parking lot x 2
Ha Ha HaLyrics from eLyrics.net
Oh I know you are just itching to know why the hell I would post "Big Yellow Taxi" as a blog title...
are you thinking I ran off to New York?
Stay with me here...don't scroll to the bottom to see why "Big Yellow Taxi" is the name of this blog...just roll with me...
I have been sick for the past 2 weeks...it started off as a little sinus infection and blew up into a nasty respiratory infection...like I could totally relate to the Mucinex commercials...
it was vile...
It took a major antibiotic and a narcotic cough syrup to get me through it...and a lot of broth and tea and Mucinex and time in bed...
it was like the flu without fever...
and I sounded like a 90 year old ex-smoker with emphysema...
nasty stuff...
I whined and moaned about it endlessly on Facebook...
(yes that does help you feel better when you whine and moan on FB)
GOTT called me in for a meeting and I think he regretted it 2 minutes in to it when my coughs were literally shaking the curtains in the black box theater...he kept saying "you sound awful"...
duh...
in his defense I told him I was doing better...but he wisely kept his distance...
I tried to fight it off but it became apparent that this was going to take drugs...
big powerful strong drugs...
when I saw the doc he told me "go home to bed"...I informed him I was going to drive to Dallas as soon as we were done and he almost jumped off his stool...
once I explained it was The Cutest Boy in the World's (TCBITW) state wrestling championships he "got it" but he still didn't love that I was driving from Houston to Dallas by myself...
so I went and filled my prescriptions and headed to Dallas and literally walked into the gym just in time to see TCBITW on the mat and wrestling.
He fought so hard...
at one point he was winning...
and then he got pinned at the last second...
I saw my son literally crush under the weight of the kid pinning him...the look of disappointment on his face was crushing to me...he went and sat by himself for a while and then he came over and sat in the bleachers with the rest of the team and their families...
"I should have won"
"You COULD have won"
"but I SHOULD have won that match..."
and then I reminded him he had been back to wrestling for less than 3 weeks...he was still recovering from a broken leg...and basically all of last season he was laid up with an elbow injury so he hadn't really been on the mat for almost 2 years.
The other boy had been training since November...he had had many matches...my son had wrestled 3 times since January of 2014 when he had 3 matches and got re-injured on his first time out for the season...
I drove to Dallas NOT to watch him wrestle...
I drove to Dallas to be a mom...
and despite the fact I felt horrible and just wanted to go to bed I knew I was supposed to be there for that conversation and to tell my son that he was the most amazing boy in the world and that it would all come back to him...and that next season they better watch out because TCBITW was going to be a hurricane...
we went back to the hotel...he went with his team and I checked in and ordered room service and watched shark tank and instantly regretted that I was staying at the same hotel at 3 wrestling teams...
but then I remembered they had curfew and sure enough the floor was so quiet I needn't have worried...
wrestlers are good boys...
I showered and drank a glass of wine and took my narcotic cough meds and
wowzers...
I mean...
woah!
That stuff knocked me out...
I am sensitive to any kind of drug and I pretty much passed out...
one glass of wine NEVER does that to me so I knew it was the cough syrup...
(I am, after all, a black belt in wine drinking...)
at 6 AM I was bolted awake by the coach texting me asking me if the boys had breakfast...
8 texts later we got it figured out and I pray to the good Lord above that I made sense because at that point I think I still was "under the influence"
nothing like looking like an idiot in front of your son's coach...especially if you are the team mom...even if it is by text...
So I headed up to watch my kid wrestle a few more boys and was so excited to see him pin his next opponent...
and then...
uh oh...
he had to wrestle his friend Diesel...
(his real name is not Diesel but in middle school that is what we called this sweet boy because he was like a diesel engine...unstoppable...)
The reason Diesel wrestles is because TCBITW talked him into it in 8th grade...
they like each other....they don't hang out...but they do like each other...
they have been friends since they were 4 years old...
So Diesel goes over and tells TCBITW that they are going to wrestle each other...Diesel's mom and I laugh about it...
and then it happens...
it's a fair fight...
they wrestle their hearts out...
and Diesel pins my son...
they hug after...and hug again...
and my son comes over to the bleachers to me and gives me a hug but this time there are no tears in his eyes like the night before...
there is no defeat there...
there is acceptance that he was bested by someone who has been working at this for months and he has been working at this for 3 weeks...
(just as an aside here...my kid is the captain of the team so even though he only hit the mat for 2 tournaments because of his broken leg he went to EVERY meet and watched EVERY match...I am proud of him for sitting through roughly over 100 hours of wrestling while just sitting in a chair)
he knew that Diesel had beaten him because he had worked harder at it...this time there was no "I SHOULD"...he GOT it...
you can't just show up and win...you have to work for it...
I mean yeah sometimes you can just show up and win but the victory is far sweeter if you have put the effort in to it...
Diesel was to wrestle for 3rd place...and just before he was to take the mat again I looked for my son. I was going to suggest he go and stand at the side of the mat (what you do in wrestling when your team mate or someone important to you is on the mat) and support his friend...
I looked for my son...
he wasn't sitting in the bleachers...
he was walking to the mat to support his friend...
Diesel's own team mates were not there...they were watching another boy...
but my son was...
he was right there where his friend could see him...
and he yelled and cheered and coached him and when it was over and Diesel won...
my son hugged him...
at that moment I was prouder of my boy than I would have been if he had won a medal himself...
I will give up medals for class...
for showing up for your friend...
for putting someone else ahead of yourself...
for being a person who can give up ego in favor of friendship...
it meant the world to Diesel and his parents...and I couldn't stop crying...
when I saw my son I told him I was prouder of him at that moment than I would have been had he been on the podium....he thought it was no big deal because he KNEW it was what he should do...
Can you tell I am still busting proud about this?
to hell with state titles...give me a kid who GETS it!
I hugged Diesel and told him I was proud of him and loved him...he told me it meant everything to him that TCBITW was there for him...
That was awesome...
My son lost a wrestling season...he lost last season too...he loves to wrestle...he loves the sport and being on the mat...he love the victory and he accepts his defeats...
But when you lose a season and come back and the gold medal is in your grasp and slips away...
you don't know how much that can hurt...
and how much you miss what could have been...
when it was all over my son got on the bus and headed to In N Out burger and inhaled 2 double double animal style burgers, two orders of fries, a shake and a diet coke...
I had that minus the 2 of everything and no shake...
I headed back alone in my car and had to pull over halfway home to wake myself back up from my food and residual drug coma...
um next time I might listen to the doc...
maybe...
I hit up Bucees for jerky and steaks and made it home fine but tired...TCBITW was about an hour behind and came home full, fed, and not as disappointed as he might have thought he would have been..
and then the "gunk" hit me full force and I was pretty much laid up for the next week...
the worst part was that I couldn't work out....
I was missing my beloved spin classes...
and it was killing me...
but you have to be able to breathe to spin and I pretty much could not draw breath without coughing up a lung...
I had already missed most of the week before and now I missed another full week...
ugh...
every time I called to cancel my bike I cried...
I missed the classes and the sweat....
I missed the way I could lose myself on the bike
I missed just feeling a beat and riding to it and not thinking
but more than that I missed the people...
I missed this great community of people who work at the studio and that come and work out at the studio...
I missed sweaty hugs and high fives after surviving the evil that has been thrust upon us by tiny humans that are truly the nicest people ever until they get in front of you and bark at you to "reach down and turn it up" and make you spin your ass off...
I missed seeing someone who you only knew there in the studio but knew that person was riding beside you and working as hard as you...
I missed the young girls who call me their "mama Anice" who lift me up each day...my KuteKara and my KuteKatie and my AmazingAshley and my BrookieBrooke and CarmenMiranda and BeautifulBritta...oh how I missed those beautiful girls...
I missed my spirit animal Jose...who tells me to never give up...
I missed the incredible instructors not just during class but for the laughs and love after...and the studio team who literally sometimes are the best part of my day...
I missed that beautiful place full of people who not just ride together but have formed friendships and bonds and greet each other with love and enthusiasm at the start or end of a long day...
When you have to be away from something you love it is so very hard...
but tonight I came back...
I totally wanted to die...
I cried because I made it through...and Marvelous Mel played my Miley anthem for me and I rode that bike 6 like I was it's boss...
Coming back is hard...it is hard knowing you are going to want to DIE about song 3 and that you might puke....
it's hard to breathe and not cough up a lung when you have been sick...
but I had to get back on that bike and back to my peeps...
if my son could get back on the mat I after a broken leg I could get back on the bike...
my son missed getting to wrestle...he loves to wrestle and he missed being the one on the mat fighting so hard and working so hard to beat the other boy...
I missed having sweat pour off me as I pushed my body to do what I never ever thought it could do at age 50
I never thought I would be 50 years old and literally cry because I couldn't go to a spin class...
when I was 40 I just figured I would be a sad overweight woman in an unhappy marriage that was content to watch tv and eat whatever she felt like eating because she gave up...
but thankfully that girl went away in favor of a girl who loves to exercise and sweat and eats healthy and is happy...and divorced...
So...have you figured out why this is "Big Yellow Taxi"?
Joni Mitchell is a wise woman...
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL ITS GONE...
For me I missed sweating and working out (but rest assured just because I mentioned my marriage NOT ONCE did I miss that once it was gone...I missed having a human next to me to cuddle but NOT THE HUMAN I WAS MARRIED TO)
My son missed getting to wrestle but found happiness and satisfaction in cheering for a friend who had worked hard all season for it...
We all miss things in our lives...
stop for a moment and appreciate what you have...what you love...what you would miss that might surprise you...
I don't think my son would have told you "I miss being on the mat" if he had not broken his leg...
and I wouldn't have realized how much I would miss the community I ride with and how much I miss sweating (and how much I still miss sweating with JayVee) until I was forced to not get to go...
(thank you nasty respiratory infection)
yes we miss the big things in life...our parents when we go away...our lovers when they go on a business trip...our kids when they go to camp or college...our family and pets when they pass away (ok that is a HUGE one and should not be lumped in here... but you get where I am coming from)
but sometimes it takes us by surprise when the things we miss are not what we expected...
so appreciate all you have...even the little things...even sweat...and boys killing each other on a mat...and DVRs (so much better than VCRs) and food on the table and sunshine and all the little things in life that make it good...
appreciate all you have been given
appreciate...
everything...
Inspiration Song: "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell...a song to remind us all that we need to appreciate things before we lose them...or before we miss them...this song moves me every time and every time I hear it I am reminded to appreciate all that I have...Counting Crows and Amy Grant did awesome versions of the song if you aren't a fan of Joni...listen to it...
Bye Darlings...don't pave paradise to put up a parking lot...and if you don't know what I am talking about here are the words to this awesome song...and if you don't know who Joni Mitchell is...well learn who she is before I pat you on your darling little head...
They paved paradise put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot
Chorus:
Don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
The paved paradise put up a parking lot
They took all the trees, put 'em in a tree museum,
And they charge the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em
Chorus
Hey farmer farmer, put away the DDT now
Give me spots on my apples, but leave me the birds and the bees
Please
Chorus
Late last night, I heard the screen door slam,
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man.
Chorus x 2
The paved paradise put up a parking lot x 2
Ha Ha HaLyrics from eLyrics.net
Friday, February 27, 2015
On My Own
Hello Darlings...
It's been a while...a later blog will explain just what I have been up to...but for today I invite you to celebrate an "anniversary" of sorts with me...
because you see---
4 years ago today I left my husband of 24.5 years...yes, we were just half a year away from that magic silver anniversary and I decided that silver wasn't a color I needed to be celebrating...
I didn't actual "leave" him that day...the truth was I told him to leave...
basically I went into his study and told him I wasn't happy and I knew he surely wasn't happy and that I wanted a divorce...
and that I had wanted it for some time but could not go one day more...
he wasn't happy but accepted it...
the kids weren't happy but accepted it...
I would rather have a good divorce than a bad marriage and I had a bad marriage...
I didn't want my kids to think that what I had with their dad was what a good marriage was...and I didn't want them to think it was what they should settle for...or expect in marriage...
There was no abuse but there was a lot of arguing...
We were two people who no longer took pleasure in each other's company and the only thing we had in common was our two amazing children.
I tried to leave before but The Cutest Boy in the World was so young and I thought I owed it to the man I married and my kids to give therapy a chance and to work on it...
It didn't work
Sometimes you can fix broken things but sometimes you have to accept something is broken and let it go and throw it away...
I didn't throw my marriage away...
I just let it go...
I don't regret marrying him...I got two amazing kids out of it...
But I don't believe I truly loved him the way I should have loved the man I pledged my life to...
My clarifying moment was at GOTT's parent's 50th anniversary party...
My gift to them was to take photos of the event.
I looked through the lens of my camera and I saw GOTTMOM looking at GOTTDAD with so much love in her eyes that it was a gut punch...
it took my breath away...
it made me cry...
because I realized that she was looking at him with so much love even after 50 years and that I had never ever once really felt like that toward the ex...
not once...
I had to go and sit down quietly for a moment...
Then GOTT and his brother and sisters and their spouses all got together for a photo and when I saw the love there I knew I had to do something...
I had been around GOTT and GOTTESS enough to be envious of the love they shared...as well as other friends...like KuteKaren and RoyBoy and CabRene and BoyGeorge and JayVee and The Hunk...
So the next day I told GOTT what I planned to do...that I needed to leave...
and even though at first his thought was "no!" he quickly realized it was what was best for me and my family and he loved me enough to say:
"I will support you"
because that is the kind of man he is...and that is why I love him as much as a woman can love a man who is not her son, husband, or father...I love him more than I love my brothers because he is truly the best male friend I could be gifted with...
he is totally my rock...and I thank God every day for his presence (and GOTTESS's) in my life and for keeping me off the quicksand...
I have never regretted my decision to end my marriage...the only regret I had was that I didn't do it sooner...
I hate that my children have had to divide time but they assure me it's ok and they are happier because we are happier.
We will always be a family...just not a married family...
My ex has a steady girlfriend he cares a lot about...my kids have met her and tell me she is very nice...
I have no idea how serious it is and probably won't know until he puts a ring on someone's finger because although we get along great and we talk almost daily about kid concerns we know almost nothing about each other's personal life...
if I had a personal life...
Like he wasn't going to bother to tell me he was going to leave the country on his vacation
He just told me he would be gone a week...but he didn't think it was important to mention he would be a few time zones away...
and then told me he didn't see how it was my business...
well the very day I asked him if he was leaving the country was the day after a friend of mine lost her precious child in a terrible accident...so I reminded him that maybe, just maybe it might be good for me to know he might be hard to reach in case something happened to TCBITW while he was gone or maybe he would be too wrapped up in romance to care if his son was in a wreck or ill...
he finally understood at that point...
I told him I didn't care if he went to the moon or Spain...I just needed to know that it might be a little more difficult to reach him than it would be if he was in say---Dallas.
I don't care what he does with her and I still don't care where they went but for a smart man he was pretty dumb not realizing that maybe he should have at least mentioned a 5 hour time difference in case of emergency.
It is those sort of things that make me glad I do not have to deal with him anymore except when it comes to the kids...
He's a good dad...
and maybe to someone else he will be a good husband...
but for me it was very much a square peg and a round hole trying to mesh...
I was only 46 at the time and I knew I was far too young to spend the rest of my life miserable and living with someone I was not in love with...someone I felt no passion for...someone who when I came home and saw he was home only made me think "damn he's home" and not "yay! he's home!".
The day he moved out and into his own apartment I came home and opened a bottle of champagne and moved my stuff into his side of the closet...
I drank champagne from my crystal (which was not wedding crystal but actually crystal I bought for myself with money from selling my steer my senior year---yes I am weird like that...I bought crystal when I was 17) and I smiled at the fact that the closet was mine and the house was mine and I was truly on my own...
it didn't scare me
it excited me
and so here I am 4 years later still very happy with that decision, not the least bit sad about it and the only jealousy I feel about him is not toward his girlfriend but just the damn fact he HAS a girlfriend and I am alone...
4 years later I have my own house (all mine! and has been for exactly one year tomorrow) and I share custody of TCBITW with my ex and I have 3 cats and a job a\I love and lovely friends and a wonderful place to work out and a great life...
except for one thing...
I'm sorta tired of being alone...
I mean the cats are super great company on Monday nights when TCBITW is with his dad but it would be nice every once in a while to go to a movie...or have a man take me to dinner...or have someone hold my hand and tell me I look pretty...Dragon is very good at purring in my lap but he doesn't speak human...but his cat language is pretty groovy...
When I asked for a divorce I didn't know what to expect down the road...I just knew that at that moment I had to get out or I was going to turn back into a 300 lb miserable woman.
But here I am 4 years later...very happy but getting a little tired of being alone...
some of it is my fault...I'm pretty picky and I have turned down some offers of getting fixed up (like poor GOTTESS wanted to fix me up with this guy who is about 12 years older and has a mustache like a walrus and I told her that man will never get me out of the house...). I know what I am attracted to and I am not going to settle for "he's nice but doesn't get the motor running" again...
I don't have to have grand passion but I should at least think the guy is cute enough I want to hold his hand...or at least leave the house with...
and please don't say "but you might find you are attracted to him when you meet him and get to know him...he has a great personality!"
um...no...
I need to at least think the guy is cute or all we will ever be is friends...
I have made that mistake before...I made that mistake for about 25 years...
I don't care about money and what someone does as long as they are honest...
so many men my age don't want "me"...
and by "me" I don't mean the actual "me" but rather who I am as a woman:
50 years old
body ok but not perfect
two kids
a job that requires you to pay attention to my love of musical theater
Men in the age group I am interested in dating want a woman who is 35, built, can still have babies (so they have that option) and make good bank.
They want a Barbie on their arm who is younger so they feel young and virile and why they hell would they want to put up with pre-menopause when they could have a woman that makes their friends jealous...
I tried match.com for about 5 minutes and once I weeded through the losers who were just looking for sex or were lying about their age by 10-15 years I found that most of the guys I said "yes, I think he could be ok" to were looking for women "30-45" that were "skinny" or "athletic" and "please don't contact me unless you have photos". The rest of the losers were posting photos that were clearly 10 years old, or they were shirtless in their bathroom mirror (ewwwww) or lots of photos with guys with Harley's or fancy cars and the occasional boat...
ugh
I had several guys want my phone # so we could "hook up" and others that when I told them "no thank you" decided that I needed to be told what I stuck-up bitch I was and how I was not worth their time and didn't deserve them...and that I was lying about my age (I never did) and usually those were the losers who were lying about their age by shaving off 10 years...
okie dokie
I got off match without every having met a single man (at least I hope they are all single...)
I don't regret that decision either...
I know plenty of people have met and married from online dating but for me it just wasn't a fit...
I know that some day there will be a man 45-55 years old who drives a big ass truck and likes red wine and isn't bothered by how I look after spin class who is open to watching high school musicals and is ok with putting up with not seeing his girlfriend for the month of January. He will know I far prefer lilies to roses, that I would rather cook at home than go out (but will occasionally squire me to places I love like George's Pastaria and Union Kitchen) and will watch Modern Family and Last Man Standing with me. He will be ok with watching my son play football and wrestle and will think museums are fun and will know to order me a dirty martini if we are out at a place that carries Tito's vodka. He will wipe my tears when I cry at a Rothko painting or The Color Purple and he will be ok with hanging out with gay people and will in fact love them like I do. If he has dimples and blue eyes that would pretty much make him perfect.
yeah...that would just about be perfect...
I can live without the truck but the "loving gay people" and understanding that my kids come first are non-negotiables and he needs to understand that I love the kids at my job so much I think they are mine and that my job is very important to me...
but he doesn't have to drive a truck...but damn that sure makes a man sexy in my book...
I would rather sleep alone than next to someone I don't love (although there are nights I don't love my cat Zulu so much when he is smothering me) and raising my kids is the single most important thing I do so maybe it's ok I don't have a distracting man to distract me...
but I am getting a little tired of being on my own...and yes it kinda sucks that my ex is very involved with someone and has a life outside our kids and I don't...because frankly between the two of us I think I might have the edge on being a better catch because I am a damn good cook...and I have better hair...
But then again on my own I got to pick out the house I wanted...
I got to choose how to decorate it...
I get to pick what I have for dinner...
I get the closet to myself...
and the whole bathroom is mine...
but I could make space in the bathroom (as for the closet...well...hmmmm....maybe I need to stay single...my shoes need breathing room)
I just want to wait until a man comes along who makes my heart beat faster...who gives me butterflies...who says "wrestling is fun to watch" (ok I know that is stretching it...)
I want a guy worthy of me rearranging my schedule...but not giving up time with my son...
I'm happy on my own but I'm ready to not be alone...
(BTW this is very much NOT a plea for any of you to set me up!!!! NOOOOOOOO)
I have been doing it on my own for 4 years...I can do it 40 more if the good Lord sees fit to give me that much time...and I will always be glad I had the courage to move on from my bad marriage...
So raise whatever glass you have at your side and toast not to me but to all who have the courage to change their lives...I don't just mean with divorce...I mean with ANYTHING that makes your life better...
Change your life if you are not moving forward...or change direction...but don't stay stuck...
and don't be afraid to do something on your own...because sometimes you have to do something on your own so you can share it with others...
Inspiration Song: "On My Own" by Miley Cyrus. Yes, you read that right...Miley. I actually totally love the song and Marvelous Mel plays it in spin class and we get to rocking and moving and it's my anthem. I may not always love Miley but this is one thing I do love her for...this song!
Bye darlings...I have had 4 years on my own...I celebrate each day on my own...and now I challenge you to be inspired to try something new or make some change in your life that makes it better...do it in celebration of yourself!
It's been a while...a later blog will explain just what I have been up to...but for today I invite you to celebrate an "anniversary" of sorts with me...
because you see---
4 years ago today I left my husband of 24.5 years...yes, we were just half a year away from that magic silver anniversary and I decided that silver wasn't a color I needed to be celebrating...
I didn't actual "leave" him that day...the truth was I told him to leave...
basically I went into his study and told him I wasn't happy and I knew he surely wasn't happy and that I wanted a divorce...
and that I had wanted it for some time but could not go one day more...
he wasn't happy but accepted it...
the kids weren't happy but accepted it...
I would rather have a good divorce than a bad marriage and I had a bad marriage...
I didn't want my kids to think that what I had with their dad was what a good marriage was...and I didn't want them to think it was what they should settle for...or expect in marriage...
There was no abuse but there was a lot of arguing...
We were two people who no longer took pleasure in each other's company and the only thing we had in common was our two amazing children.
I tried to leave before but The Cutest Boy in the World was so young and I thought I owed it to the man I married and my kids to give therapy a chance and to work on it...
It didn't work
Sometimes you can fix broken things but sometimes you have to accept something is broken and let it go and throw it away...
I didn't throw my marriage away...
I just let it go...
I don't regret marrying him...I got two amazing kids out of it...
But I don't believe I truly loved him the way I should have loved the man I pledged my life to...
My clarifying moment was at GOTT's parent's 50th anniversary party...
My gift to them was to take photos of the event.
I looked through the lens of my camera and I saw GOTTMOM looking at GOTTDAD with so much love in her eyes that it was a gut punch...
it took my breath away...
it made me cry...
because I realized that she was looking at him with so much love even after 50 years and that I had never ever once really felt like that toward the ex...
not once...
I had to go and sit down quietly for a moment...
Then GOTT and his brother and sisters and their spouses all got together for a photo and when I saw the love there I knew I had to do something...
I had been around GOTT and GOTTESS enough to be envious of the love they shared...as well as other friends...like KuteKaren and RoyBoy and CabRene and BoyGeorge and JayVee and The Hunk...
So the next day I told GOTT what I planned to do...that I needed to leave...
and even though at first his thought was "no!" he quickly realized it was what was best for me and my family and he loved me enough to say:
"I will support you"
because that is the kind of man he is...and that is why I love him as much as a woman can love a man who is not her son, husband, or father...I love him more than I love my brothers because he is truly the best male friend I could be gifted with...
he is totally my rock...and I thank God every day for his presence (and GOTTESS's) in my life and for keeping me off the quicksand...
I have never regretted my decision to end my marriage...the only regret I had was that I didn't do it sooner...
I hate that my children have had to divide time but they assure me it's ok and they are happier because we are happier.
We will always be a family...just not a married family...
My ex has a steady girlfriend he cares a lot about...my kids have met her and tell me she is very nice...
I have no idea how serious it is and probably won't know until he puts a ring on someone's finger because although we get along great and we talk almost daily about kid concerns we know almost nothing about each other's personal life...
if I had a personal life...
Like he wasn't going to bother to tell me he was going to leave the country on his vacation
He just told me he would be gone a week...but he didn't think it was important to mention he would be a few time zones away...
and then told me he didn't see how it was my business...
well the very day I asked him if he was leaving the country was the day after a friend of mine lost her precious child in a terrible accident...so I reminded him that maybe, just maybe it might be good for me to know he might be hard to reach in case something happened to TCBITW while he was gone or maybe he would be too wrapped up in romance to care if his son was in a wreck or ill...
he finally understood at that point...
I told him I didn't care if he went to the moon or Spain...I just needed to know that it might be a little more difficult to reach him than it would be if he was in say---Dallas.
I don't care what he does with her and I still don't care where they went but for a smart man he was pretty dumb not realizing that maybe he should have at least mentioned a 5 hour time difference in case of emergency.
It is those sort of things that make me glad I do not have to deal with him anymore except when it comes to the kids...
He's a good dad...
and maybe to someone else he will be a good husband...
but for me it was very much a square peg and a round hole trying to mesh...
I was only 46 at the time and I knew I was far too young to spend the rest of my life miserable and living with someone I was not in love with...someone I felt no passion for...someone who when I came home and saw he was home only made me think "damn he's home" and not "yay! he's home!".
The day he moved out and into his own apartment I came home and opened a bottle of champagne and moved my stuff into his side of the closet...
I drank champagne from my crystal (which was not wedding crystal but actually crystal I bought for myself with money from selling my steer my senior year---yes I am weird like that...I bought crystal when I was 17) and I smiled at the fact that the closet was mine and the house was mine and I was truly on my own...
it didn't scare me
it excited me
and so here I am 4 years later still very happy with that decision, not the least bit sad about it and the only jealousy I feel about him is not toward his girlfriend but just the damn fact he HAS a girlfriend and I am alone...
4 years later I have my own house (all mine! and has been for exactly one year tomorrow) and I share custody of TCBITW with my ex and I have 3 cats and a job a\I love and lovely friends and a wonderful place to work out and a great life...
except for one thing...
I'm sorta tired of being alone...
I mean the cats are super great company on Monday nights when TCBITW is with his dad but it would be nice every once in a while to go to a movie...or have a man take me to dinner...or have someone hold my hand and tell me I look pretty...Dragon is very good at purring in my lap but he doesn't speak human...but his cat language is pretty groovy...
When I asked for a divorce I didn't know what to expect down the road...I just knew that at that moment I had to get out or I was going to turn back into a 300 lb miserable woman.
But here I am 4 years later...very happy but getting a little tired of being alone...
some of it is my fault...I'm pretty picky and I have turned down some offers of getting fixed up (like poor GOTTESS wanted to fix me up with this guy who is about 12 years older and has a mustache like a walrus and I told her that man will never get me out of the house...). I know what I am attracted to and I am not going to settle for "he's nice but doesn't get the motor running" again...
I don't have to have grand passion but I should at least think the guy is cute enough I want to hold his hand...or at least leave the house with...
and please don't say "but you might find you are attracted to him when you meet him and get to know him...he has a great personality!"
um...no...
I need to at least think the guy is cute or all we will ever be is friends...
I have made that mistake before...I made that mistake for about 25 years...
I don't care about money and what someone does as long as they are honest...
so many men my age don't want "me"...
and by "me" I don't mean the actual "me" but rather who I am as a woman:
50 years old
body ok but not perfect
two kids
a job that requires you to pay attention to my love of musical theater
Men in the age group I am interested in dating want a woman who is 35, built, can still have babies (so they have that option) and make good bank.
They want a Barbie on their arm who is younger so they feel young and virile and why they hell would they want to put up with pre-menopause when they could have a woman that makes their friends jealous...
I tried match.com for about 5 minutes and once I weeded through the losers who were just looking for sex or were lying about their age by 10-15 years I found that most of the guys I said "yes, I think he could be ok" to were looking for women "30-45" that were "skinny" or "athletic" and "please don't contact me unless you have photos". The rest of the losers were posting photos that were clearly 10 years old, or they were shirtless in their bathroom mirror (ewwwww) or lots of photos with guys with Harley's or fancy cars and the occasional boat...
ugh
I had several guys want my phone # so we could "hook up" and others that when I told them "no thank you" decided that I needed to be told what I stuck-up bitch I was and how I was not worth their time and didn't deserve them...and that I was lying about my age (I never did) and usually those were the losers who were lying about their age by shaving off 10 years...
okie dokie
I got off match without every having met a single man (at least I hope they are all single...)
I don't regret that decision either...
I know plenty of people have met and married from online dating but for me it just wasn't a fit...
I know that some day there will be a man 45-55 years old who drives a big ass truck and likes red wine and isn't bothered by how I look after spin class who is open to watching high school musicals and is ok with putting up with not seeing his girlfriend for the month of January. He will know I far prefer lilies to roses, that I would rather cook at home than go out (but will occasionally squire me to places I love like George's Pastaria and Union Kitchen) and will watch Modern Family and Last Man Standing with me. He will be ok with watching my son play football and wrestle and will think museums are fun and will know to order me a dirty martini if we are out at a place that carries Tito's vodka. He will wipe my tears when I cry at a Rothko painting or The Color Purple and he will be ok with hanging out with gay people and will in fact love them like I do. If he has dimples and blue eyes that would pretty much make him perfect.
yeah...that would just about be perfect...
I can live without the truck but the "loving gay people" and understanding that my kids come first are non-negotiables and he needs to understand that I love the kids at my job so much I think they are mine and that my job is very important to me...
but he doesn't have to drive a truck...but damn that sure makes a man sexy in my book...
I would rather sleep alone than next to someone I don't love (although there are nights I don't love my cat Zulu so much when he is smothering me) and raising my kids is the single most important thing I do so maybe it's ok I don't have a distracting man to distract me...
but I am getting a little tired of being on my own...and yes it kinda sucks that my ex is very involved with someone and has a life outside our kids and I don't...because frankly between the two of us I think I might have the edge on being a better catch because I am a damn good cook...and I have better hair...
But then again on my own I got to pick out the house I wanted...
I got to choose how to decorate it...
I get to pick what I have for dinner...
I get the closet to myself...
and the whole bathroom is mine...
but I could make space in the bathroom (as for the closet...well...hmmmm....maybe I need to stay single...my shoes need breathing room)
I just want to wait until a man comes along who makes my heart beat faster...who gives me butterflies...who says "wrestling is fun to watch" (ok I know that is stretching it...)
I want a guy worthy of me rearranging my schedule...but not giving up time with my son...
I'm happy on my own but I'm ready to not be alone...
(BTW this is very much NOT a plea for any of you to set me up!!!! NOOOOOOOO)
I have been doing it on my own for 4 years...I can do it 40 more if the good Lord sees fit to give me that much time...and I will always be glad I had the courage to move on from my bad marriage...
So raise whatever glass you have at your side and toast not to me but to all who have the courage to change their lives...I don't just mean with divorce...I mean with ANYTHING that makes your life better...
Change your life if you are not moving forward...or change direction...but don't stay stuck...
and don't be afraid to do something on your own...because sometimes you have to do something on your own so you can share it with others...
Inspiration Song: "On My Own" by Miley Cyrus. Yes, you read that right...Miley. I actually totally love the song and Marvelous Mel plays it in spin class and we get to rocking and moving and it's my anthem. I may not always love Miley but this is one thing I do love her for...this song!
Bye darlings...I have had 4 years on my own...I celebrate each day on my own...and now I challenge you to be inspired to try something new or make some change in your life that makes it better...do it in celebration of yourself!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Food, Glorious Food
Hello Darlings!
Today's blog is going to be a little different...today's blog is a cooking lesson...
I thought you might need some relief from my blogging therapy, whining, and yelling at you to find a spin bike and ride...
If you are a follower of mine of Facebook or Instagram you know that I have turned into some sort of a sad cliché of a middle-aged divorced woman:
I post photos of my cats and food I cook
and that's about all I post photos of...except for the occasional sweaty selfie or group shot after a spin class...
But since I post so many cooking photos I get a lot of questions and requests...and since everyone is early into still trying to keep your New Year's Resolutions I thought I could help you out a bit by giving you some cooking tips...
I know everyone is working hard because the spin classes at the studio are booked to "waitlist" status (yay! I love a full class!) and you can't find parking near any gyms...
so right now people have health and fitness on their minds...and one of the best ways to keep yourself healthy is by cooking things at home so you can control the salt and fat content...I lost all of my weight not with a special diet or surgery but by what I ate and working out...and I found that when I was in control of what went on my plate I had great tasty HEALTHY meals that were low in sodium and fat and high in flavor.
I love to cook so for me that was the best way to do it...
I learned to cook from my mom. She was a great cook.
Like me she was a cook...not a baker...
She didn't particularly enjoy baking and neither do I...I did as a child but now it is a chore. I guess it is because of all the measuring and exactness. I have always considered baking a science and cooking an art...
not that baking can't be artful because it totally is...but that is more about how you decorate and plate it and "foof" it up...
cooking is more forgiving and foolproof...you don't have to measure...you just put stuff in...
so for that reason I have exactly 2 cakes in my arsenal and that is it:
Coca-Cola cake
and
Tres Leches cake
that's it...other than cookies from pre-made dough that is the extent of my baking I do.
And if I bake for you then you know you are LOVED...because I hate doing it...
It's cold outside and these days I crave a lot of soup...
I like soup
It's easy...
It's a meal that is warm and comforting
It freezes well
its easy to make a giant batch of it so you cook once but have many meals
It can be super healthy or super rich and bad but oh so yummy
a good bowl of soup is a thing of beauty...
My mom made soup better than anyone...and her sandwich making was an art form...
I think my mom was the only blonde (ok from a bottle blonde) Catholic woman who made matzoh ball soup as good as any Jewish grandmother...maybe better than most...
I never complained when she said we were having soup for dinner and when I was an adult I often called her and asked her to make me a sandwich and soup for lunch when I was working or if I could come over on a Sunday afternoon and have a bowl of her delicious soup...
The only time I got tired of soup was the 6 weeks I had a broken jaw (long story...no one hit me...it was to fix an open bite) and had to eat nothing but soup...
that was a long 6 weeks and I got very sick of soup...and I made every soup you can imagine...
but it taught me the art of soup making...
then I got married to a man who thinks soup is just something you eat at the Chinese restaurant before you get your General Tso's chicken...
my son feels the same way...
my daughter, on the other hand, loves soup and will eat just about any soup I make except for tomato basil (she doesn't like tomato things...)
the other night I went to KuteKaren's house and 5 college kids happily slurped up mugs of my homemade tomato basil soup and hugged me for making it...and then I kicked their booties playing "Cards Against Humanity"...
So today's lesson is going to be about...
SOUP
(I guess you figured that out by now)
You need some basic equipment...like a stock pot or a dutch oven...it all depends on how much you are making...
This is a photo of my cooktop...it looks like this all the time...I keep those pots and skillets on there all the time because I use them ALL THE TIME
Really if you have a good seasoned cast iron skillet and a heavy cast iron enamel dutch/French oven you are set...I do 98% of my cooking in those pots and pans...the only time I do something different is if I am using a roasting pan for the oven...but on the stove---those are pretty much it...
And you don't need to pay a bajillion bucks for a dutch oven...two of mine are of the fancy French pricey variety but the one in the middle is from the grocery store (HEB) and it works as good or better as the other two and was 1/10th the price.
Same thing with the cast iron...they are from the grocery store. I wish I had a 50 year old one handed down over the decades but that isn't the case...so I bought these. Most cast iron skillet these days come pre-seasoned...When I get one I pour a little oil in it, heat it up, turn off the heat...pour out the oil and then wipe it out leaving a little film of oil on it. Then I start using it...
and if you don't know about cleaning...well...in a nutshell:
dutch oven---never put in the dishwasher (some people do but I don't), soak to remove stuck on food...if something is super stuck fill it with water and put it on the stove...dump in about 1/2 cup to 1 cup of baking soda...bring to a boil and boil 10 min...pour out and the gunk will easily come off with a sponge...
cast iron---NO SOAP EVER...just wash with hot water...a well seasoned skillet will come clean with just a spray from your faucet sprayer...I use kosher salt if something gets stuck on...after rinsing I dry with a paper towel and I keep mine on the stove with a thin coating (just a sheen) of canola oil to prevent rusting...
I may be making mistakes with my pots but that is what works for me...
They make excellent wedding and graduation gifts...
So now that I have totally bored you about equipment let's get to the cooking...
You can't make a good soup without a good stock.
yes, you can use the stuff in the box...but I SWEAR if you will just try making your own stock you will find it is sooooo much better...
not kidding
it makes that big a difference
What do you need for stock?
a big pot
aromatic veggies (celery, onion, carrot)
garlic
herbs (depends on the stock...and I like fresh ones)
olive oil
bones or poultry carcass
wine or beer (red wine for beef, white for poultry, and beer if I am making a Mexican soup)
"Better than bouillon" paste or Knorr bouillon cubes (it's a cheat but works)
cheesecloth
I have learned that it is easy to freeze and save bones and carcasses if I am not going to make a stock right away...same with veggie scraps or those last 2 carrots that are about to go "wilty" in the fridge...
If you buy a bone-in steak it is usually cheaper by the pound but you end up paying for the bone...consider that a huge fabulous bonus! Cook the steak with the bone on and then cut off the bone and throw it in a Ziploc...save for soup! I do that with my prime rib roast bones too...
and I almost always supplement my beef stock bones with some oxtail bones...they are an inexpensive way to add flavor and the marrow adds that "gelatinous" quality that makes a soup a bit richer...
and for chickens and turkey if you buy a grocery store roasted chicken and use the meat for a casserole, save the bones in the freezer to make a stock...
I have tried making chicken stock from cooking a whole bird but frankly I find I can make as good or better a soup (and not have over boiled meat) if I use a grocery store roasted chicken...I pick the meat off and save it for after I get the stock done...the bones and wings go in the stock pot...
once you have saved up enough bones and veggies (or go to the store and get them) set aside a Saturday or Sunday to babysit your stock and watch some tv while it goes from "a bunch of stuff" to "deliciousness"...
and remember---this is the STOCK not the soup so scraps and "junk" is just fine
All stocks start like this:
roughly chop up some onion, celery and carrots...or get the scraps out of the freezer...
heat some olive oil in your pot until it "shimmers" and then add in the veggies and cook until they are starting to brown...the flavor is in the brown people...
you can also roast your veggies...
add in whole cloves of garlic (you do not need to peel because all of this gets strained out)
peppercorns
bones or carcass
If I am making a beef stock instead of olive oil I save a bit of the fat from steaks when I trim them and freeze it to use to render the fat for the stock...adds a lot of flavor...
Now cover the whole mess with water...cover it until it is well covered...you will keep adding water as you go...
This is when I add herbs...I always toss in some bay leaves and whole stems of thyme...and if I am making stock for Mexican caldo or tortilla soup I forgo the thyme and bay leaves and use cilantro and a few slices of fresh jalapeno
bring to a boil and then turn down to a gentle simmer...and start watching it...
when the water level becomes reduced a bit I add in some wine....but not too much...it is hard for me to tell you how much to use because I don't know how much you are making but what I usually do is toss in a good "glug"...it will enrich it and you can add more as you go...and again for the Mexican caldo I prefer to use a beer...you don't want it to taste of wine but 1/2 cup of wine in a large stock pot won't make your stock taste of wine but will add to the flavor...and since this is just the stock if you want more of a wine flavor you can add in more wine when you turn the stock into soup
now here is where I "cheat" a bit...I always toss in a few Knorr bouillon cubes or a few tablespoons of "better than bouillon" paste...not too much or it will get salty...and I never salt until I actually make the soup itself....but it will enrich your stock...
(I keep those Knorr cubes on hand...the are great for making rice taste better and adding as a seasoning...just use less salt)
let the whole thing simmer for 6-8 hours adding water as you go...you want a rich stock so don't add too much water but as long as you keep the bones and veggies covered you should be fine.
taste it and see if you have a nice beefy or chicken or turkey or veggie flavor... and you can throw in an extra tablespoon or so of bouillon paste or wine at this point...
now you strain...
I strain twice...
Once with my regular pasta strainer and then I strain again with the strainer but line it with cheesecloth...that catches all the little bits and gives you a nice fairly clear stock...
there is some fancy stuff you can do with eggs that makes it very clear but I have never bothered with that...
I always put it back in the pot (I clean the pot out while straining) and once cool enough I put it in the fridge over night so the fat will rise and harden and I can pull the fat off...
The next day pour into freezer bags (very handy) or freezer containers and store...and if you have an old ice cube tray laying around making some stock cubes is a good thing for enriching sauces...
that's it...
then it is ready to use for soup...
as for soup, here are some easy soups I like to do:
Beef Veggie Soup with Noodles:
Ingredients:
beef stock
homestyle noodles (or egg noodles but if you can get your hands on a homestyle kind do it!)
carrots
mushrooms
thyme
onion (thin sliced)
garlic
corn
leftover steak or some cubed beef for soup or stew
red wine
Saute the onion in a bit of olive oil until starting to brown...add in mushrooms (slice or whole) and cook until the mushrooms soften. Add in a good glug or two of red wine and let it start to burn off...thrown in carrot slices (or baby carrots) and a finely chopped garlic clove (or two)...or grate in the garlic with a microplane...saute your meat until it starts to brown...add in your stock and gently simmer for a couple of hours...pull out... thyme and add in egg noodles and cook until noodles are soft. You can add other veggies like frozen corn, etc...whatever you like...and don't forget to taste for salt (you might add it now) and I love some pepper...
To make chicken noodle to the same thing except with chicken...duh...and use white wine...and I definitely use a little celery when making chicken soup...and I add in chicken from a grocery store roasted chicken...
To make a Mexican style soup I saute onion and bell peppers...add in the garlic...maybe a slice or two of jalapeno...I use cilantro instead of thyme...beer instead of wine...add in chicken stock...throw in some cumin to taste...add in chicken meat. For veggies I usually use corn and squash and carrots...I skip the celery...and you can use beans but I am not much a fan of beans in my soup unless it is a bean soup...fish out the cilantro and jalapeno slices before serving and serve with baked tortilla chips and a little cheese and maybe some crema and a bit of fresh chopped cilantro...
I use beef (and sometimes chicken) stock to make French onion soup...just saute some sweet onions in butter until carmelized...toss in some fresh thyme and about 1/2 cup red wine and let the wine reduce...add in stock...that's it...taste and check for salt and seasoning...you can do the whole bit with the bread crouton and melted cheese on top but I take the easy route and throw a crostini or bruschetta bread on the bottom of the bowl, ladle in the hot soup and throw some shredded gruyere or swiss on top and stir in...
I know that none of this is exact but I am not that kind of cook...I don't measure...
When you make the stock just remember that all of it will get strained so don't stress about how the veggies look or are cut...don't salt it but rather save adding salt for when you make the soup...add ingredients like wine and bouillon a little at a time so that you don't over-do...
I also find that some unexpected things can season up a soup (not the stock but the SOUP) really well:
a dash of soy sauce for an Asian soup...or try Ponzu sauce...
a dash or two of Worcestershire adds a lot of flavor to a beef soup and chicken soup
a dash of balsamic vinegar adds a little extra flavor too...but just a dash...
a couple of dashes of Tabasco add flavor and no heat...
all soups are made even more yummy if you have some tasty things to dress it up...I love making homemade croutons and bruschetta to serve with soup...I bake my own tortilla chips in the oven for texture...fresh cilantro or green onions are always delish...and a little Mexican crema can turn a soup creamy and extra yummy...
For homemade croutons: get some good loaf bread (unsliced)...let it get a little stale and dried out...cube the bread and toss in a skillet or roasting pan with equal parts butter and olive oil (I love to use flavored olive oils for this)...toss to coat and bake in a 350 degree oven until crispy...store in a Ziploc or plastic lidded container...will keep a few weeks...
for the bruschetta I get a loaf of unsliced bread (rosemary sea salt is my favorite)...slice into thin slices and brush with olive oil (flavored olive oil, especially garlic, is nice for this)...bake until crispy...
for flavored olive oils if you don't have an olive oil/vinegar store in your town you can order online...Boston Olive Oil company is my favorite...I always keep garlic, chipotle, and butter flavor on hand...love rosemary flavor and jalapeno flavor and...bacon...oh yeah...
Get creative with your soup making...think about baked potato soup...carrot and ginger soup...butternut squash...
the possibilities are endless...and if you have some good stock on hand it is easy to take what is in your fridge and turn it into a delicious bowl of goodness...
I will leave you with one last soup...this one does not use stock...
Tomato Basil soup:
get a variety of tomatoes, preferably organic...I use a combination of roma, beefsteak, hothouse, and lots of varieties of cherry and grape tomatoes...
rinse the tomatoes and roughly chop the bigger ones...cherry and grape ones can remain whole...
in your pot saute 1/2 of a chopped sweet onion in a bit of olive oil over low heat until it is soft...toss in the tomatoes and cook (stirring often) until they are releasing juices and very soft and "popping" open as you stir. Turn off the heat and stir in a few tablespoons of butter and a little white pepper and 2 TBS of brown sugar (yes, do it...). don't salt yet...take a stick blender or blend in batches in a regular blender adding fresh basil to taste...Now add some salt...a little at a time...this should be sweet and rich but not salty. If you want a cream soup you can add some half and half but I find that no cream is needed...it tastes creamy as it is...and it is super healthy this way...
Ok so I know this isn't my usual blog and many of you who read this are stellar cooks but I wanted to share with you for those of you who don't realize how easy it all is...
If you have questions please leave them in the "comment" section at the bottom here...very likely what you are asking is something someone else may want the answer for...
and let me know if you want a few more recipes or cooking tips...I am happy to give them or I can keep this blog to the therapy/musings it always is...
Inspiration Song: "Food, Glorious Food" from the musical "Oliver!"...
Bye Darlings...make yourself a pot of soup and enjoy how satisfying it can be....tonight I am going to watch Downton Abbey while I enjoy some chicken soup....
Today's blog is going to be a little different...today's blog is a cooking lesson...
I thought you might need some relief from my blogging therapy, whining, and yelling at you to find a spin bike and ride...
If you are a follower of mine of Facebook or Instagram you know that I have turned into some sort of a sad cliché of a middle-aged divorced woman:
I post photos of my cats and food I cook
and that's about all I post photos of...except for the occasional sweaty selfie or group shot after a spin class...
But since I post so many cooking photos I get a lot of questions and requests...and since everyone is early into still trying to keep your New Year's Resolutions I thought I could help you out a bit by giving you some cooking tips...
I know everyone is working hard because the spin classes at the studio are booked to "waitlist" status (yay! I love a full class!) and you can't find parking near any gyms...
so right now people have health and fitness on their minds...and one of the best ways to keep yourself healthy is by cooking things at home so you can control the salt and fat content...I lost all of my weight not with a special diet or surgery but by what I ate and working out...and I found that when I was in control of what went on my plate I had great tasty HEALTHY meals that were low in sodium and fat and high in flavor.
I love to cook so for me that was the best way to do it...
I learned to cook from my mom. She was a great cook.
Like me she was a cook...not a baker...
She didn't particularly enjoy baking and neither do I...I did as a child but now it is a chore. I guess it is because of all the measuring and exactness. I have always considered baking a science and cooking an art...
not that baking can't be artful because it totally is...but that is more about how you decorate and plate it and "foof" it up...
cooking is more forgiving and foolproof...you don't have to measure...you just put stuff in...
so for that reason I have exactly 2 cakes in my arsenal and that is it:
Coca-Cola cake
and
Tres Leches cake
that's it...other than cookies from pre-made dough that is the extent of my baking I do.
And if I bake for you then you know you are LOVED...because I hate doing it...
It's cold outside and these days I crave a lot of soup...
I like soup
It's easy...
It's a meal that is warm and comforting
It freezes well
its easy to make a giant batch of it so you cook once but have many meals
It can be super healthy or super rich and bad but oh so yummy
a good bowl of soup is a thing of beauty...
My mom made soup better than anyone...and her sandwich making was an art form...
I think my mom was the only blonde (ok from a bottle blonde) Catholic woman who made matzoh ball soup as good as any Jewish grandmother...maybe better than most...
I never complained when she said we were having soup for dinner and when I was an adult I often called her and asked her to make me a sandwich and soup for lunch when I was working or if I could come over on a Sunday afternoon and have a bowl of her delicious soup...
The only time I got tired of soup was the 6 weeks I had a broken jaw (long story...no one hit me...it was to fix an open bite) and had to eat nothing but soup...
that was a long 6 weeks and I got very sick of soup...and I made every soup you can imagine...
but it taught me the art of soup making...
then I got married to a man who thinks soup is just something you eat at the Chinese restaurant before you get your General Tso's chicken...
my son feels the same way...
my daughter, on the other hand, loves soup and will eat just about any soup I make except for tomato basil (she doesn't like tomato things...)
the other night I went to KuteKaren's house and 5 college kids happily slurped up mugs of my homemade tomato basil soup and hugged me for making it...and then I kicked their booties playing "Cards Against Humanity"...
So today's lesson is going to be about...
SOUP
(I guess you figured that out by now)
You need some basic equipment...like a stock pot or a dutch oven...it all depends on how much you are making...
This is a photo of my cooktop...it looks like this all the time...I keep those pots and skillets on there all the time because I use them ALL THE TIME
Really if you have a good seasoned cast iron skillet and a heavy cast iron enamel dutch/French oven you are set...I do 98% of my cooking in those pots and pans...the only time I do something different is if I am using a roasting pan for the oven...but on the stove---those are pretty much it...
And you don't need to pay a bajillion bucks for a dutch oven...two of mine are of the fancy French pricey variety but the one in the middle is from the grocery store (HEB) and it works as good or better as the other two and was 1/10th the price.
Same thing with the cast iron...they are from the grocery store. I wish I had a 50 year old one handed down over the decades but that isn't the case...so I bought these. Most cast iron skillet these days come pre-seasoned...When I get one I pour a little oil in it, heat it up, turn off the heat...pour out the oil and then wipe it out leaving a little film of oil on it. Then I start using it...
and if you don't know about cleaning...well...in a nutshell:
dutch oven---never put in the dishwasher (some people do but I don't), soak to remove stuck on food...if something is super stuck fill it with water and put it on the stove...dump in about 1/2 cup to 1 cup of baking soda...bring to a boil and boil 10 min...pour out and the gunk will easily come off with a sponge...
cast iron---NO SOAP EVER...just wash with hot water...a well seasoned skillet will come clean with just a spray from your faucet sprayer...I use kosher salt if something gets stuck on...after rinsing I dry with a paper towel and I keep mine on the stove with a thin coating (just a sheen) of canola oil to prevent rusting...
I may be making mistakes with my pots but that is what works for me...
They make excellent wedding and graduation gifts...
So now that I have totally bored you about equipment let's get to the cooking...
You can't make a good soup without a good stock.
yes, you can use the stuff in the box...but I SWEAR if you will just try making your own stock you will find it is sooooo much better...
not kidding
it makes that big a difference
What do you need for stock?
a big pot
aromatic veggies (celery, onion, carrot)
garlic
herbs (depends on the stock...and I like fresh ones)
olive oil
bones or poultry carcass
wine or beer (red wine for beef, white for poultry, and beer if I am making a Mexican soup)
"Better than bouillon" paste or Knorr bouillon cubes (it's a cheat but works)
cheesecloth
I have learned that it is easy to freeze and save bones and carcasses if I am not going to make a stock right away...same with veggie scraps or those last 2 carrots that are about to go "wilty" in the fridge...
If you buy a bone-in steak it is usually cheaper by the pound but you end up paying for the bone...consider that a huge fabulous bonus! Cook the steak with the bone on and then cut off the bone and throw it in a Ziploc...save for soup! I do that with my prime rib roast bones too...
and I almost always supplement my beef stock bones with some oxtail bones...they are an inexpensive way to add flavor and the marrow adds that "gelatinous" quality that makes a soup a bit richer...
and for chickens and turkey if you buy a grocery store roasted chicken and use the meat for a casserole, save the bones in the freezer to make a stock...
I have tried making chicken stock from cooking a whole bird but frankly I find I can make as good or better a soup (and not have over boiled meat) if I use a grocery store roasted chicken...I pick the meat off and save it for after I get the stock done...the bones and wings go in the stock pot...
once you have saved up enough bones and veggies (or go to the store and get them) set aside a Saturday or Sunday to babysit your stock and watch some tv while it goes from "a bunch of stuff" to "deliciousness"...
and remember---this is the STOCK not the soup so scraps and "junk" is just fine
All stocks start like this:
roughly chop up some onion, celery and carrots...or get the scraps out of the freezer...
heat some olive oil in your pot until it "shimmers" and then add in the veggies and cook until they are starting to brown...the flavor is in the brown people...
you can also roast your veggies...
add in whole cloves of garlic (you do not need to peel because all of this gets strained out)
peppercorns
bones or carcass
If I am making a beef stock instead of olive oil I save a bit of the fat from steaks when I trim them and freeze it to use to render the fat for the stock...adds a lot of flavor...
Now cover the whole mess with water...cover it until it is well covered...you will keep adding water as you go...
This is when I add herbs...I always toss in some bay leaves and whole stems of thyme...and if I am making stock for Mexican caldo or tortilla soup I forgo the thyme and bay leaves and use cilantro and a few slices of fresh jalapeno
bring to a boil and then turn down to a gentle simmer...and start watching it...
when the water level becomes reduced a bit I add in some wine....but not too much...it is hard for me to tell you how much to use because I don't know how much you are making but what I usually do is toss in a good "glug"...it will enrich it and you can add more as you go...and again for the Mexican caldo I prefer to use a beer...you don't want it to taste of wine but 1/2 cup of wine in a large stock pot won't make your stock taste of wine but will add to the flavor...and since this is just the stock if you want more of a wine flavor you can add in more wine when you turn the stock into soup
now here is where I "cheat" a bit...I always toss in a few Knorr bouillon cubes or a few tablespoons of "better than bouillon" paste...not too much or it will get salty...and I never salt until I actually make the soup itself....but it will enrich your stock...
(I keep those Knorr cubes on hand...the are great for making rice taste better and adding as a seasoning...just use less salt)
let the whole thing simmer for 6-8 hours adding water as you go...you want a rich stock so don't add too much water but as long as you keep the bones and veggies covered you should be fine.
taste it and see if you have a nice beefy or chicken or turkey or veggie flavor... and you can throw in an extra tablespoon or so of bouillon paste or wine at this point...
now you strain...
I strain twice...
Once with my regular pasta strainer and then I strain again with the strainer but line it with cheesecloth...that catches all the little bits and gives you a nice fairly clear stock...
there is some fancy stuff you can do with eggs that makes it very clear but I have never bothered with that...
I always put it back in the pot (I clean the pot out while straining) and once cool enough I put it in the fridge over night so the fat will rise and harden and I can pull the fat off...
The next day pour into freezer bags (very handy) or freezer containers and store...and if you have an old ice cube tray laying around making some stock cubes is a good thing for enriching sauces...
that's it...
then it is ready to use for soup...
as for soup, here are some easy soups I like to do:
Beef Veggie Soup with Noodles:
Ingredients:
beef stock
homestyle noodles (or egg noodles but if you can get your hands on a homestyle kind do it!)
carrots
mushrooms
thyme
onion (thin sliced)
garlic
corn
leftover steak or some cubed beef for soup or stew
red wine
Saute the onion in a bit of olive oil until starting to brown...add in mushrooms (slice or whole) and cook until the mushrooms soften. Add in a good glug or two of red wine and let it start to burn off...thrown in carrot slices (or baby carrots) and a finely chopped garlic clove (or two)...or grate in the garlic with a microplane...saute your meat until it starts to brown...add in your stock and gently simmer for a couple of hours...pull out... thyme and add in egg noodles and cook until noodles are soft. You can add other veggies like frozen corn, etc...whatever you like...and don't forget to taste for salt (you might add it now) and I love some pepper...
To make chicken noodle to the same thing except with chicken...duh...and use white wine...and I definitely use a little celery when making chicken soup...and I add in chicken from a grocery store roasted chicken...
To make a Mexican style soup I saute onion and bell peppers...add in the garlic...maybe a slice or two of jalapeno...I use cilantro instead of thyme...beer instead of wine...add in chicken stock...throw in some cumin to taste...add in chicken meat. For veggies I usually use corn and squash and carrots...I skip the celery...and you can use beans but I am not much a fan of beans in my soup unless it is a bean soup...fish out the cilantro and jalapeno slices before serving and serve with baked tortilla chips and a little cheese and maybe some crema and a bit of fresh chopped cilantro...
I use beef (and sometimes chicken) stock to make French onion soup...just saute some sweet onions in butter until carmelized...toss in some fresh thyme and about 1/2 cup red wine and let the wine reduce...add in stock...that's it...taste and check for salt and seasoning...you can do the whole bit with the bread crouton and melted cheese on top but I take the easy route and throw a crostini or bruschetta bread on the bottom of the bowl, ladle in the hot soup and throw some shredded gruyere or swiss on top and stir in...
I know that none of this is exact but I am not that kind of cook...I don't measure...
When you make the stock just remember that all of it will get strained so don't stress about how the veggies look or are cut...don't salt it but rather save adding salt for when you make the soup...add ingredients like wine and bouillon a little at a time so that you don't over-do...
I also find that some unexpected things can season up a soup (not the stock but the SOUP) really well:
a dash of soy sauce for an Asian soup...or try Ponzu sauce...
a dash or two of Worcestershire adds a lot of flavor to a beef soup and chicken soup
a dash of balsamic vinegar adds a little extra flavor too...but just a dash...
a couple of dashes of Tabasco add flavor and no heat...
all soups are made even more yummy if you have some tasty things to dress it up...I love making homemade croutons and bruschetta to serve with soup...I bake my own tortilla chips in the oven for texture...fresh cilantro or green onions are always delish...and a little Mexican crema can turn a soup creamy and extra yummy...
For homemade croutons: get some good loaf bread (unsliced)...let it get a little stale and dried out...cube the bread and toss in a skillet or roasting pan with equal parts butter and olive oil (I love to use flavored olive oils for this)...toss to coat and bake in a 350 degree oven until crispy...store in a Ziploc or plastic lidded container...will keep a few weeks...
for the bruschetta I get a loaf of unsliced bread (rosemary sea salt is my favorite)...slice into thin slices and brush with olive oil (flavored olive oil, especially garlic, is nice for this)...bake until crispy...
for flavored olive oils if you don't have an olive oil/vinegar store in your town you can order online...Boston Olive Oil company is my favorite...I always keep garlic, chipotle, and butter flavor on hand...love rosemary flavor and jalapeno flavor and...bacon...oh yeah...
Get creative with your soup making...think about baked potato soup...carrot and ginger soup...butternut squash...
the possibilities are endless...and if you have some good stock on hand it is easy to take what is in your fridge and turn it into a delicious bowl of goodness...
I will leave you with one last soup...this one does not use stock...
Tomato Basil soup:
get a variety of tomatoes, preferably organic...I use a combination of roma, beefsteak, hothouse, and lots of varieties of cherry and grape tomatoes...
rinse the tomatoes and roughly chop the bigger ones...cherry and grape ones can remain whole...
in your pot saute 1/2 of a chopped sweet onion in a bit of olive oil over low heat until it is soft...toss in the tomatoes and cook (stirring often) until they are releasing juices and very soft and "popping" open as you stir. Turn off the heat and stir in a few tablespoons of butter and a little white pepper and 2 TBS of brown sugar (yes, do it...). don't salt yet...take a stick blender or blend in batches in a regular blender adding fresh basil to taste...Now add some salt...a little at a time...this should be sweet and rich but not salty. If you want a cream soup you can add some half and half but I find that no cream is needed...it tastes creamy as it is...and it is super healthy this way...
Ok so I know this isn't my usual blog and many of you who read this are stellar cooks but I wanted to share with you for those of you who don't realize how easy it all is...
If you have questions please leave them in the "comment" section at the bottom here...very likely what you are asking is something someone else may want the answer for...
and let me know if you want a few more recipes or cooking tips...I am happy to give them or I can keep this blog to the therapy/musings it always is...
Inspiration Song: "Food, Glorious Food" from the musical "Oliver!"...
Bye Darlings...make yourself a pot of soup and enjoy how satisfying it can be....tonight I am going to watch Downton Abbey while I enjoy some chicken soup....
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Rather Be
Hi Darlings!
Happy New Year!
I hope 2015 brings you much joy and love and laughter and all good things...that you learn and grow...that you live your best life...
I wrote a blog about Christmas but sometimes when I blog I wait a day or so to publish and I am glad I did...it was self indulgent and whiney...and I am self-indulgent and whiney a lot but I don't think anyone needed that at Christmas....
so I sat back and waited and read it and hit the trash button...
but the holidays always get me thinking...and sometimes they are a little sad and lonely for me...
I miss my kids when they are with their dad...
I miss my parents because they are gone...
I miss having a love in my life to share the holidays with...
And as I had some time to be alone and contemplate I had time to count my blessings that 2014 brought me and a chance to think about what I want from 2015...
2014 was a great year...
I sold my house and bought Casa Bonita...it's just perfect for me and D'Nice and I had fun decorating it and I had fun shopping for things for it with KuteKaren. It would not be the gorgeous refuge it is for me without their help...
there truly is no place I would rather be...
I don't really miss my old house...I do miss my old shower (oh I miss that shower) and I miss my old closet (but my new one isn't half bad at all...) and in the summer I missed my pool (but not the care and maintenance of it).
I made new friends with the sale of my old home and the purchase of my new one...I walked out of both transactions hugging the other parties and truly loving them. When the couple that purchased my old house ended up moving because of an amazing career opportunity I was touched when they invited me over to pick up the last of my mail and see the changes they made.
The house was gorgeous...I loved it all...and I didn't feel any regret...
until I had to say goodbye to them...
I had long since said goodbye to the house...but I loved the family that bought it and knew it was in the perfect hands...but when I hugged MarvelousMichelle on the front porch I cried...because I knew I would miss her and miss the chance to spend more time with her and watch her son grow and I adored her husband as well...
and when GentlemanJim (who I bought Casa Bonita from) messaged me to tell me that SweetSue (his darling wife) had cancer....well I sat down and cried and prayed on my knees for her health and recovery...
But truly there is no place I would rather be than Casa Bonita and I would rather have those friendships than anything else...
2014 also was my first musical with my Houston Christian kids....oh how I love them!
It brought me the treasure that is My Other Daughter (MOD) and a chance to grow closer to my Sweet Caroline who I have known for years...and all my sweet lovely kids that I find myself loving like they were my own...
and I got an award nomination for my costumes...not bad...not bad at all...
I was worried about how it would be to work with high school kids but GOTT had faith in me and now that I am there is can honestly tell you there is no place I would rather be...
In 2014 I found a new spin studio and fell in love with Revolution Studio and the people that work there and spin there...I guess you kinda figured that out from my constant FB posts and blogs...
I hated leaving JayVee and her amazing classes and my friends at my old club but I had to think of my finances and as a single woman a country club membership was really not practical. JayVee introduced me to Revolution to give me an option...she knew we would always be friends (and we will be) but that I needed to move on to someplace that made more economic sense for me...
and it did make more sense financially...
but the best part is...
I am not settling for something less...I landed right where I needed to be...
I have the most amazing place to work out and I have met the most incredible people there...I have so many new friends and I love walking in there and hugging the people inside that little jewel of a studio...
it has been a true growth for me there and there really is no place I would rather be than on a bike (preferably Bike 6) at Revolution Studio.
I love it so much I spent my 50th birthday there...
oh yeah...
2014 brought me...
50...
ugh...
some days I totally feel it and others I think "not bad for 50...not bad at all..."
Would I rather be 40?
youbetcha
but in many ways...no...
I would like to be 40 so I could roll back time and not get fat and get out of my marriage sooner...and so my knees would not feel 70 years old and so that maybe I could have spared a lot of people some collateral damage from my failed marriage...
but I would rather be the me I am at 50 than the me I could have been if I had not taken control of my life and moved towards happiness and not misery...
and I would rather be alone than in a bad marriage and making someone else miserable as well...
So what do I want for 2015?
My friend the Amazing Anna posted something on FB about how she had gotten clear about her four pillars for her life this year (and yes she did it on a spin bike)...and then she asked me what mine were...
I didn't have to think about it...it just flowed out of me as I typed her the answer:
LIVE
LAUGH
LEARN
LOVE
This is going to be my "L" year...and I plan to blog about how I want to do those things in another blog (because this one is long enough) and I need time (most likely on the bike) to contemplate just what I want from those things...
but in short...
I want to LIVE my best life
I want to LAUGH a lot
I want to LEARN new things and learn from my mistakes
I want to LOVE everyone (and maybe find a man in a big ass truck to love...I'm kinda tired of being alone after almost 4 years...)
to quote Auntie Mame (who was not real so I guess I am either quoting Patrick Dennis or the writers of the play/movie):
I want to LIVE LIVE LIVE
LIFE IS A BANQUET AND MOST POOR SUCKERS ARE STARVING TO DEATH!!!
So plan to use this year as one where I live, laugh, learn and love...
and speaking of learning...
My cousin posted this quote from Neil Gaiman on his FB page and I am taking it to heart:
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new... things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman
that guy is pretty genius and my cousin is a pretty smart cookie too...
I lead a blessed and charmed life...I really have nothing to complain about...
I have amazing kids...
I own my own home...
I have a job I love and a boss I love...
I have incredible friends...
I have a wonderful community where I workout...
I am healthy...
I am happy...
and right now there is no one I would rather be than the me I am right now...
Inspiration Song: "Rather Be" by Clean Bandit. It was my favorite song of 2014 (just ahead of "this is how we do" by my girl Katy). I literally never tired of the song from spring until now...I still love it and listen to it every day...
I want to share the lyrics with you...because they are very inspirational...and it is truly how I feel most every day about my friends and you darlings that read this...
Happy New Year!
I hope 2015 brings you much joy and love and laughter and all good things...that you learn and grow...that you live your best life...
I wrote a blog about Christmas but sometimes when I blog I wait a day or so to publish and I am glad I did...it was self indulgent and whiney...and I am self-indulgent and whiney a lot but I don't think anyone needed that at Christmas....
so I sat back and waited and read it and hit the trash button...
but the holidays always get me thinking...and sometimes they are a little sad and lonely for me...
I miss my kids when they are with their dad...
I miss my parents because they are gone...
I miss having a love in my life to share the holidays with...
And as I had some time to be alone and contemplate I had time to count my blessings that 2014 brought me and a chance to think about what I want from 2015...
2014 was a great year...
I sold my house and bought Casa Bonita...it's just perfect for me and D'Nice and I had fun decorating it and I had fun shopping for things for it with KuteKaren. It would not be the gorgeous refuge it is for me without their help...
there truly is no place I would rather be...
I don't really miss my old house...I do miss my old shower (oh I miss that shower) and I miss my old closet (but my new one isn't half bad at all...) and in the summer I missed my pool (but not the care and maintenance of it).
I made new friends with the sale of my old home and the purchase of my new one...I walked out of both transactions hugging the other parties and truly loving them. When the couple that purchased my old house ended up moving because of an amazing career opportunity I was touched when they invited me over to pick up the last of my mail and see the changes they made.
The house was gorgeous...I loved it all...and I didn't feel any regret...
until I had to say goodbye to them...
I had long since said goodbye to the house...but I loved the family that bought it and knew it was in the perfect hands...but when I hugged MarvelousMichelle on the front porch I cried...because I knew I would miss her and miss the chance to spend more time with her and watch her son grow and I adored her husband as well...
and when GentlemanJim (who I bought Casa Bonita from) messaged me to tell me that SweetSue (his darling wife) had cancer....well I sat down and cried and prayed on my knees for her health and recovery...
But truly there is no place I would rather be than Casa Bonita and I would rather have those friendships than anything else...
2014 also was my first musical with my Houston Christian kids....oh how I love them!
It brought me the treasure that is My Other Daughter (MOD) and a chance to grow closer to my Sweet Caroline who I have known for years...and all my sweet lovely kids that I find myself loving like they were my own...
and I got an award nomination for my costumes...not bad...not bad at all...
I was worried about how it would be to work with high school kids but GOTT had faith in me and now that I am there is can honestly tell you there is no place I would rather be...
In 2014 I found a new spin studio and fell in love with Revolution Studio and the people that work there and spin there...I guess you kinda figured that out from my constant FB posts and blogs...
I hated leaving JayVee and her amazing classes and my friends at my old club but I had to think of my finances and as a single woman a country club membership was really not practical. JayVee introduced me to Revolution to give me an option...she knew we would always be friends (and we will be) but that I needed to move on to someplace that made more economic sense for me...
and it did make more sense financially...
but the best part is...
I am not settling for something less...I landed right where I needed to be...
I have the most amazing place to work out and I have met the most incredible people there...I have so many new friends and I love walking in there and hugging the people inside that little jewel of a studio...
it has been a true growth for me there and there really is no place I would rather be than on a bike (preferably Bike 6) at Revolution Studio.
I love it so much I spent my 50th birthday there...
oh yeah...
2014 brought me...
50...
ugh...
some days I totally feel it and others I think "not bad for 50...not bad at all..."
Would I rather be 40?
youbetcha
but in many ways...no...
I would like to be 40 so I could roll back time and not get fat and get out of my marriage sooner...and so my knees would not feel 70 years old and so that maybe I could have spared a lot of people some collateral damage from my failed marriage...
but I would rather be the me I am at 50 than the me I could have been if I had not taken control of my life and moved towards happiness and not misery...
and I would rather be alone than in a bad marriage and making someone else miserable as well...
So what do I want for 2015?
My friend the Amazing Anna posted something on FB about how she had gotten clear about her four pillars for her life this year (and yes she did it on a spin bike)...and then she asked me what mine were...
I didn't have to think about it...it just flowed out of me as I typed her the answer:
LIVE
LAUGH
LEARN
LOVE
This is going to be my "L" year...and I plan to blog about how I want to do those things in another blog (because this one is long enough) and I need time (most likely on the bike) to contemplate just what I want from those things...
but in short...
I want to LIVE my best life
I want to LAUGH a lot
I want to LEARN new things and learn from my mistakes
I want to LOVE everyone (and maybe find a man in a big ass truck to love...I'm kinda tired of being alone after almost 4 years...)
to quote Auntie Mame (who was not real so I guess I am either quoting Patrick Dennis or the writers of the play/movie):
I want to LIVE LIVE LIVE
LIFE IS A BANQUET AND MOST POOR SUCKERS ARE STARVING TO DEATH!!!
So plan to use this year as one where I live, laugh, learn and love...
and speaking of learning...
My cousin posted this quote from Neil Gaiman on his FB page and I am taking it to heart:
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new... things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman
that guy is pretty genius and my cousin is a pretty smart cookie too...
I lead a blessed and charmed life...I really have nothing to complain about...
I have amazing kids...
I own my own home...
I have a job I love and a boss I love...
I have incredible friends...
I have a wonderful community where I workout...
I am healthy...
I am happy...
and right now there is no one I would rather be than the me I am right now...
Inspiration Song: "Rather Be" by Clean Bandit. It was my favorite song of 2014 (just ahead of "this is how we do" by my girl Katy). I literally never tired of the song from spring until now...I still love it and listen to it every day...
I want to share the lyrics with you...because they are very inspirational...and it is truly how I feel most every day about my friends and you darlings that read this...
- We're a thousand miles from comfort,We have traveled land and seaBut as long as you are with me,There's no place I rather beI would wait forever,Exulted in the sceneAs long as I am with you,My heart continues to beat
- With every step we take,Kyoto to The BayStrolling so casuallyWe're different and the same,Gave you another nameSwitch up the batteries
- If you gave me a chance I would take itIt's a shot in the dark but I'll make itKnow with all of your heart, you can't shame meWhen I am with you, there's no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather be, oh oh
- We staked out on a missionTo find our inner peaceMake it everlastingSo nothing's incompleteIt's easy being with you,Sacred simplicityAs long as we're together,There's no place I'd rather be
- With every step we take,Kyoto to The BayStrolling so casuallyWe're different and the same,Gave you another nameSwitch up the batteries
- If you gave me a chance I would take itIt's a shot in the dark but I'll make itKnow with all of your heart, you can't shame meWhen I am with you, there's no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather be
- When I am with you, there's no place I rather beBe, ohBe, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, beYeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
- If you gave me a chance I would take itIt's a shot in the dark but I'll make itKnow with all of your heart, you can't shame meWhen I am with you, there's no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beNo, no, no, no place I rather beWhen I am with you, there's no place I rather be
- Songwriters: MARSHALL, NICOLE / PATTERSON, JACK / CHATTO, GRACE / NAPES, JIMMY
- © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing GroupFor non-commercial use only.Data From: LyricFind
Bye Darlings...I hope there is no place you would rather be than where you are right now...
Monday, December 22, 2014
Where Are You Christmas?
Hello Darlings!
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!
My Christmas spirit is or was in full swing until recently...make that tonight...
The tree is up and decorated, I have little touches of décor here and there...
the stockings are hung by the chimney with care...
(oh no I am starting to sound like Dr. Seuss again with the rhyming...totally unintentional..)
I can't seem to find my desire to wrap gifts and one of these days those darn "wrap the packages" elves are going to show up here to Casa Bonita and wrap the gifts while I am sleeping...
I was even getting ready to write a blog called "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (yes, it is a REAL song...I actually thought it was something that Craig Ferguson and the Late Late Show made up for Betty White but lo and behold it appeared on a list of Christmas on iTunes so it is a real song...who knew?)
But that will have to wait...
Because I need to vent...
a lot
like a lot a lot...
Two things to know before you read this and think "WOW she is under the influence"...
1) I have had exactly 2 ounces of wine...no more...and now am imbibing the powerful drug "Aand W 10 Root Beer" (diet and caffeine free root beer) and the wine is put well out of reach so I can't say I was drunk...
2) I had a proper amount of sleep last night, ate healthy meals, and did my spin class (so I don't stab people)...in other words I am well-rested, not "hangry" and got the endorphins going ("Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't just shoot their husbands...they just don't." Thank you Elle Woods and the knowledge gleaned from "Legally Blonde" one of my very favorite movies...)
So in other words I am of sound mind and not under the influence of anything other than a wicked spin session and a lot of sweat...
which I showered off...
so I am a clean, well-rested, well-fed endorphin fueled person...
But like I said...
I need to vent
and this blog is my therapy and once again you are along for the ride and I have no idea where this is going but I do know it will keep me from stabbing someone...
you poor people...
you have had to read a lot of therapy lately...
So why all the drama?
Because today I got fed up with the ex letting his GIRFRIEND'S schedule decide ours...
yup
I have been asking him for weeks to talk to me about Christmas and who gets the kids at what time...but he kept putting me off
Christmas Eve is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW
I got a little tired of not being able to know when I was feeding people...
Here's the deal...I will try and put this "background info" into one paragraph:
My parents were divorced and I hated like hell being shuttled about and since they lived in two different places it was an ordeal...it involved planes or hours upon hours in the car. I didn't want my kids to suffer feeling like they were in the middle of a tug-of-war so the ex and I agreed to just "share Christmas and make plans based on what is best for them and what is going on at that time". In other words we did not put into our divorce decree "the children shall be with their mother from 2:00 pm Christmas Eve until 11:00 am Christmas day blah blah blah blah blah...lots of legal jargon and more money to the attorneys so they could hash it out...". We were good with that.
Up until this year we have kept it free and easy and because I am the world's nicest ex-wife I have always cooked a big meal like we always had and have invited the ex to join us. And every year he has.
I did invite him this year...for the kids...not because I particularly wanted the man I divorced sitting at my dining room table at holiday time.
More background:
I ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE.
I hadn't been in love with him for years.
I never have wavered on my decision to divorce and never ever wanted him back.
I have never looked at him and thought "maybe we should try again" or "wow I gave that up"...
he's a nice man but I don't want him
I am NOT IN THE LEAST BIT JEALOUS of his girlfriend. She can have him. I am grateful for her presence in his life because she keeps him occupied and I get more of The Cutest Boy in the World. I like it that he seems less concerned with me and my doings because he is occupied...
I am a bit jealous that he has someone and I am alone but that has no part in my feelings about this...that is just a "I'm a better catch so why am I alone" feeling...because it would be nice to have someone to drink eggnog with and look at Christmas lights with while we drive through the neighborhood in his big ass truck...
But some day that big-ass truck driving man will come along...I'm so not worried about that right now...there is time for that down the line...I have a boy to raise...and spin classes to sweat in...and Pippin costumes to make and cats to cuddle...
So for weeks now I have said to him "we need to discuss Christmas" and for weeks now he has changed the subject or said "I don't know my plans yet".
In the past the kids have gone to lunch with him on Christmas Eve and have returned Christmas Eve evening to have our traditional tamales for dinner. Sometimes the ex has even stayed for that.
I usually have the kids Christmas morning and then their dad shows up early afternoon and we have a nice dinner and usually they go off with him or sometimes Kesha Barbie stays with me and TCBITW goes with his dad and they go to the ranch.
That is what has happened these last 3 Christmases...
But I have always asked their dad what he wants and how he wants to do it to be fair...and he knows Christmas Eve tamales are a biiiiig deal with me and that is one I won't back down on...
So I figured it would be the same this year...
but I couldn't pin him down...
and so tonight I told him "I will not let my schedule be dictated by a third party. I am feeding the kids their Christmas dinner on Christmas at some point. Please tell me when that will be"
his answer: "I dunno"
So I said: "fine...I am feeding my kids prime rib at 2. You are welcome to join us"
he said "well....I'm not sure..."
I cut him off and said "that is when we are eating...if you want them that morning before then I will send them to you after tamales"...
him: "well...."
Me: "just tell me tomorrow when you want them other than Christmas Eve dinner and 2:00 on Christmas day for their meal...if you MUST have them earlier and for lunch Christmas Day then do so and I will have dinner at 8:00 for us but for the love of God please just decide and let me know tomorrow..."
him: "ummmm...."
me: "my kids and I will have our meals...no third party is deciding that..." and then I said goodnight.
The kids have met the girlfriend.
I have no idea how serious things are but so far all I know is that they have met her. They say she is nice...
Glad to hear it..no seriously I am GLAD to hear it...I want nice people around my kids...
But until they are married I will not consider HER timing into when I plan to be with my kids.
It is HIS choice to hang with her...but my children should not be asked to spend holiday time with a woman they have met exactly once.
If they are going to be with a woman...
THAT WOMAN WILL BE ME
When they have a step-mother I will agree to share time based on all 3 of our schedules...because family time is important and if my children have step-siblings I am a big believer in being a WHOLE family...you know...all that Brady bunch stuff...
I will totally work with that...
because who knows...someday I may be a step-mother and I don't want the Cinderella Wicked Step-mother karma to come and bite me in the ass...
marriage is one thing...
dating is another...
and right now until the kids have spent a good deal more time with her and her family and she and the ex are indeed in a relationship that will lead to something permanent...
well then by golly I won't let HER visitation schedule affect MINE...
and right now that is where I am...the kids' dad won't help me plan because he isn't sure what is going on with her...
My kids aren't going to be bartered...they have a right to enjoy their holiday with both parents...
and I don't want trouble or bad feelings...
and I don't have bad feelings...
just frustration because the man won't make a decision
oh yeah---that was reason #12 why I divorced him...one of 1, 234, 467...."he is bad at making decisions"...
My children and I have ADD...we need things to be structured and laid out so we can function...I can be flexible and I can be very spontaneous...but for things like this I need to plan and know what is happening when...holidays and vacations must be that way...
he also was a grinch about the holidays and never really participated...no helping decorate and almost no shopping...
so I always made plans for us and we just rolled with it...
and that is what I have done this year...
I still want to give him choices and work around him...but I am not doing so being told at the last minute...I'm not waiting until Christmas Eve to decide what we are doing...I need more structure than that.
I don't want the holidays to stress my kids like it did me...I want it to be a joyous time for us...and I want them to spend time with their dad as well as me...
My kids are my life...they are my world...they are the reason I get up every morning...they are my oxygen...they are my purpose in life...
they are my everything...
I am a giving person...
I share...
I always have....
I am a big believer that they need parents who get along well and don't use them as weapons...
I will do everything in my power to make sure they never feel like a pawn in some game with me and their dad...
He is as important to them as I am
But they need structure and I need structure...it's an ADD thing...
and I need to know when I am pulling the prime rib out of the damn fridge....
I'm not asking for more time than he has...I am not asking for it to all be what I want...
I just need to know WHEN THE HELL THEY ARE WITH ME
Oh...and did I mention that he had the gall to ask me for half of my nice Christmas ornaments? The ones he made fun of when I purchased them...the ones that are gifts from friends...the ones I put up on the tree and removed myself...the ones he never touched or looked at...the ones I searched for and thoughtfully purchased on each vacation and carefully packed so they wouldn't break...so that I could remember each trip when I put them on the tree..
really?
um...
NO
3 years ago I gave him a set of ornaments that were ones I had purchased for the kids to "give" him or where ones from his boss...but that was it...the rest I shopped for or were given to me...
ok now I am really ranting...but I had to get that off my chest too...
Please know I am being as nice as I can about this...I haven't raised my voice to him or said anything bitchier than "I won't let my schedule be dictated by a third party".
I am still willing to give him choices in the timing...I do not ever want to have to make a formal agreement about this...our kids are pretty much adults (Kesha Barbie is 21 and TCBITW is almost 17) so nothing formal is needed...
but I just needed to know I wasn't crazy for asking for a schedule since it now we are just a day from Christmas Eve...
I needed to vent
I needed to rant
I needed time for the wrapping elves to show up (they didn't)
(and i love the irony of the fact that he won't figure out his timing but has spent the last hour comparing our children's PSAT scores and figuring out what the 5 questions our son missed were...priorities...)
ok...thanks for listening...
we now return you to your regularly scheduled Christmas joy and maybe tomorrow I will blog about why I want a hippo for Christmas (not really...please...no hippos...3 cats makes me a crazy cat lady...heaven knows what a hippo would make me...)
Inspiration Song: "Where Are You Christmas" from the film "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"...the Jim Carrey one...the one where little Cindy Lou Who played by Taylor Momsen sings the song...and that little girl grew up to have a kind of gnarly rock band...who knew?
Bye Darlings...I know where my Christmas is because I took a stand...and I want my kids to have their time with their dad too...but kids need structure and so do I...it's not just because of our ADD...it's because they are children and not pawns...no one is using them as pawns here but that is what I am trying to make sure never happens...so learn from me...be kind but set structure...
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!
My Christmas spirit is or was in full swing until recently...make that tonight...
The tree is up and decorated, I have little touches of décor here and there...
the stockings are hung by the chimney with care...
(oh no I am starting to sound like Dr. Seuss again with the rhyming...totally unintentional..)
I can't seem to find my desire to wrap gifts and one of these days those darn "wrap the packages" elves are going to show up here to Casa Bonita and wrap the gifts while I am sleeping...
I was even getting ready to write a blog called "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (yes, it is a REAL song...I actually thought it was something that Craig Ferguson and the Late Late Show made up for Betty White but lo and behold it appeared on a list of Christmas on iTunes so it is a real song...who knew?)
But that will have to wait...
Because I need to vent...
a lot
like a lot a lot...
Two things to know before you read this and think "WOW she is under the influence"...
1) I have had exactly 2 ounces of wine...no more...and now am imbibing the powerful drug "Aand W 10 Root Beer" (diet and caffeine free root beer) and the wine is put well out of reach so I can't say I was drunk...
2) I had a proper amount of sleep last night, ate healthy meals, and did my spin class (so I don't stab people)...in other words I am well-rested, not "hangry" and got the endorphins going ("Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't just shoot their husbands...they just don't." Thank you Elle Woods and the knowledge gleaned from "Legally Blonde" one of my very favorite movies...)
So in other words I am of sound mind and not under the influence of anything other than a wicked spin session and a lot of sweat...
which I showered off...
so I am a clean, well-rested, well-fed endorphin fueled person...
But like I said...
I need to vent
and this blog is my therapy and once again you are along for the ride and I have no idea where this is going but I do know it will keep me from stabbing someone...
you poor people...
you have had to read a lot of therapy lately...
So why all the drama?
Because today I got fed up with the ex letting his GIRFRIEND'S schedule decide ours...
yup
I have been asking him for weeks to talk to me about Christmas and who gets the kids at what time...but he kept putting me off
Christmas Eve is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW
I got a little tired of not being able to know when I was feeding people...
Here's the deal...I will try and put this "background info" into one paragraph:
My parents were divorced and I hated like hell being shuttled about and since they lived in two different places it was an ordeal...it involved planes or hours upon hours in the car. I didn't want my kids to suffer feeling like they were in the middle of a tug-of-war so the ex and I agreed to just "share Christmas and make plans based on what is best for them and what is going on at that time". In other words we did not put into our divorce decree "the children shall be with their mother from 2:00 pm Christmas Eve until 11:00 am Christmas day blah blah blah blah blah...lots of legal jargon and more money to the attorneys so they could hash it out...". We were good with that.
Up until this year we have kept it free and easy and because I am the world's nicest ex-wife I have always cooked a big meal like we always had and have invited the ex to join us. And every year he has.
I did invite him this year...for the kids...not because I particularly wanted the man I divorced sitting at my dining room table at holiday time.
More background:
I ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE.
I hadn't been in love with him for years.
I never have wavered on my decision to divorce and never ever wanted him back.
I have never looked at him and thought "maybe we should try again" or "wow I gave that up"...
he's a nice man but I don't want him
I am NOT IN THE LEAST BIT JEALOUS of his girlfriend. She can have him. I am grateful for her presence in his life because she keeps him occupied and I get more of The Cutest Boy in the World. I like it that he seems less concerned with me and my doings because he is occupied...
I am a bit jealous that he has someone and I am alone but that has no part in my feelings about this...that is just a "I'm a better catch so why am I alone" feeling...because it would be nice to have someone to drink eggnog with and look at Christmas lights with while we drive through the neighborhood in his big ass truck...
But some day that big-ass truck driving man will come along...I'm so not worried about that right now...there is time for that down the line...I have a boy to raise...and spin classes to sweat in...and Pippin costumes to make and cats to cuddle...
So for weeks now I have said to him "we need to discuss Christmas" and for weeks now he has changed the subject or said "I don't know my plans yet".
In the past the kids have gone to lunch with him on Christmas Eve and have returned Christmas Eve evening to have our traditional tamales for dinner. Sometimes the ex has even stayed for that.
I usually have the kids Christmas morning and then their dad shows up early afternoon and we have a nice dinner and usually they go off with him or sometimes Kesha Barbie stays with me and TCBITW goes with his dad and they go to the ranch.
That is what has happened these last 3 Christmases...
But I have always asked their dad what he wants and how he wants to do it to be fair...and he knows Christmas Eve tamales are a biiiiig deal with me and that is one I won't back down on...
So I figured it would be the same this year...
but I couldn't pin him down...
and so tonight I told him "I will not let my schedule be dictated by a third party. I am feeding the kids their Christmas dinner on Christmas at some point. Please tell me when that will be"
his answer: "I dunno"
So I said: "fine...I am feeding my kids prime rib at 2. You are welcome to join us"
he said "well....I'm not sure..."
I cut him off and said "that is when we are eating...if you want them that morning before then I will send them to you after tamales"...
him: "well...."
Me: "just tell me tomorrow when you want them other than Christmas Eve dinner and 2:00 on Christmas day for their meal...if you MUST have them earlier and for lunch Christmas Day then do so and I will have dinner at 8:00 for us but for the love of God please just decide and let me know tomorrow..."
him: "ummmm...."
me: "my kids and I will have our meals...no third party is deciding that..." and then I said goodnight.
The kids have met the girlfriend.
I have no idea how serious things are but so far all I know is that they have met her. They say she is nice...
Glad to hear it..no seriously I am GLAD to hear it...I want nice people around my kids...
But until they are married I will not consider HER timing into when I plan to be with my kids.
It is HIS choice to hang with her...but my children should not be asked to spend holiday time with a woman they have met exactly once.
If they are going to be with a woman...
THAT WOMAN WILL BE ME
When they have a step-mother I will agree to share time based on all 3 of our schedules...because family time is important and if my children have step-siblings I am a big believer in being a WHOLE family...you know...all that Brady bunch stuff...
I will totally work with that...
because who knows...someday I may be a step-mother and I don't want the Cinderella Wicked Step-mother karma to come and bite me in the ass...
marriage is one thing...
dating is another...
and right now until the kids have spent a good deal more time with her and her family and she and the ex are indeed in a relationship that will lead to something permanent...
well then by golly I won't let HER visitation schedule affect MINE...
and right now that is where I am...the kids' dad won't help me plan because he isn't sure what is going on with her...
My kids aren't going to be bartered...they have a right to enjoy their holiday with both parents...
and I don't want trouble or bad feelings...
and I don't have bad feelings...
just frustration because the man won't make a decision
oh yeah---that was reason #12 why I divorced him...one of 1, 234, 467...."he is bad at making decisions"...
My children and I have ADD...we need things to be structured and laid out so we can function...I can be flexible and I can be very spontaneous...but for things like this I need to plan and know what is happening when...holidays and vacations must be that way...
he also was a grinch about the holidays and never really participated...no helping decorate and almost no shopping...
so I always made plans for us and we just rolled with it...
and that is what I have done this year...
I still want to give him choices and work around him...but I am not doing so being told at the last minute...I'm not waiting until Christmas Eve to decide what we are doing...I need more structure than that.
I don't want the holidays to stress my kids like it did me...I want it to be a joyous time for us...and I want them to spend time with their dad as well as me...
My kids are my life...they are my world...they are the reason I get up every morning...they are my oxygen...they are my purpose in life...
they are my everything...
I am a giving person...
I share...
I always have....
I am a big believer that they need parents who get along well and don't use them as weapons...
I will do everything in my power to make sure they never feel like a pawn in some game with me and their dad...
He is as important to them as I am
But they need structure and I need structure...it's an ADD thing...
and I need to know when I am pulling the prime rib out of the damn fridge....
I'm not asking for more time than he has...I am not asking for it to all be what I want...
I just need to know WHEN THE HELL THEY ARE WITH ME
Oh...and did I mention that he had the gall to ask me for half of my nice Christmas ornaments? The ones he made fun of when I purchased them...the ones that are gifts from friends...the ones I put up on the tree and removed myself...the ones he never touched or looked at...the ones I searched for and thoughtfully purchased on each vacation and carefully packed so they wouldn't break...so that I could remember each trip when I put them on the tree..
really?
um...
NO
3 years ago I gave him a set of ornaments that were ones I had purchased for the kids to "give" him or where ones from his boss...but that was it...the rest I shopped for or were given to me...
ok now I am really ranting...but I had to get that off my chest too...
Please know I am being as nice as I can about this...I haven't raised my voice to him or said anything bitchier than "I won't let my schedule be dictated by a third party".
I am still willing to give him choices in the timing...I do not ever want to have to make a formal agreement about this...our kids are pretty much adults (Kesha Barbie is 21 and TCBITW is almost 17) so nothing formal is needed...
but I just needed to know I wasn't crazy for asking for a schedule since it now we are just a day from Christmas Eve...
I needed to vent
I needed to rant
I needed time for the wrapping elves to show up (they didn't)
(and i love the irony of the fact that he won't figure out his timing but has spent the last hour comparing our children's PSAT scores and figuring out what the 5 questions our son missed were...priorities...)
ok...thanks for listening...
we now return you to your regularly scheduled Christmas joy and maybe tomorrow I will blog about why I want a hippo for Christmas (not really...please...no hippos...3 cats makes me a crazy cat lady...heaven knows what a hippo would make me...)
Inspiration Song: "Where Are You Christmas" from the film "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"...the Jim Carrey one...the one where little Cindy Lou Who played by Taylor Momsen sings the song...and that little girl grew up to have a kind of gnarly rock band...who knew?
Bye Darlings...I know where my Christmas is because I took a stand...and I want my kids to have their time with their dad too...but kids need structure and so do I...it's not just because of our ADD...it's because they are children and not pawns...no one is using them as pawns here but that is what I am trying to make sure never happens...so learn from me...be kind but set structure...
Sunday, December 7, 2014
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
Hi Darling!
So Thanksgiving is so over and done...
Are you joining me in my Thanksgiving Resolution Revolution?
I'm trying my best to keep to it...I actually am doing better with it than if it was a New Year's Resolution...
I'm bound and determined not to regret the holidays this year...well not the holidays but every single morsel I put into my mouth and the laziness that follows...
So far no egg nog has entered Casa Bonita...
yet...
But also so far there is no décor in Casa Bonita...
that is because all my decorations are locked in storage at the movers...I'm hoping that by tomorrow they will have located all the stuff that is in the vault (a huge wooden box they keep it in) and will call me to tell me to come and get it...
The only decorations I have with me right now are two small pre-lit trees that are on either side of my fireplace...and for some reason Dragon is terrified of them---but only when they are turned on...
I want to have a whole "Griswold Light Show" outside but thus far I have been unable to locate C-9 lights anywhere...I have the clips, I have had the yard man cut back the bushes...I even have someone who will put them up for me...
but no lights
I think I am going to have to order some online...maybe I can get them up by December 24...
Decorating for Christmas has always been an ordeal for me...
when I was first married I didn't realize I had married the Grinch...the ex never ever wanted to help me with decorating...he could have cared less about it all
so he didn't help at all...
it was like pulling teeth to get him to even carry a tree in...I think he helped pick one out...
once...
After years of suffering sinus infections and feeling awful during the holidays I discovered that I am allergic to Christmas trees...between the pollen and the microscopic mold that grows on them my allergies kick in to high gear and I am sick from the day the tree comes in until it dies...
My allergist told me to "wash" the tree...
yes...
wash the tree...
I tried it once and it was a colossal pain in the you-know-what...
And after years of having no help with the live tree and getting the ex to help me get the tree out (and no not even once did he ever put an ornament on or take one off) I gave up and decided I needed a faux tree if I was going to survive...and not have a dead tree in the living room for the month of January...
Had I known I was marrying someone who would never ever help me with decorating for Christmas I might have saved myself a lot of aggravation...
The problem wasn't just that he wouldn't help...
it was that I kept expecting him to change and decide one year that he would help....
So it really wasn't his fault...he was as he was and he wasn't changing...
I was just frustrated that he wasn't changing...and I was wrong to expect it..
(so let's just add "wants to help decorate for Christmas" to my "this is what I want in a man" list along with dimples, blue eyes, looks a bit like Steve McQueen and drives a truck...yeah, that'll do...)
My ex-husband's mother had atrocious taste...like it was so bad you almost thought she was being ironic with it...so his memories of Christmas décor are all tied up in aluminum trees and ornaments that were so awful that they weren't even fun in a "these are so ugly they are cool" way...
it was just bad
like "are we being punked" bad...
and his cousin, who I totally love and adore, is one of those women you might find on a tv show about crazy Christmas décor because literally every room in her house (and garage) has a tree in it and there is a theme to every room...and snow village houses in every room...and the most amazing humongous snow village set-up in the garage.
It is jaw-dropping
When she and her girlfriend were building the house they put in extra plugs for the Christmas décor and built a storage room for it all.
They even have a village in their bathroom...they cover the tub with plywood and put a village in there...and a gorgeous Victorian themed tree in their bedroom
not kidding
it's awesome...and I miss going to their house at Christmas and admiring it all...
I came from a family that had every room perfectly decorated (I think my mom had decorators help when I was young) and it was all perfectly coordinated and gorgeous...and the whole house always had lights on outside...perfectly outlining the roof...
my mother often hosted Holiday teas when I was young and so the house was perfectly done...
my mom had fairly flawless taste and she made a lot of wreaths and could get her entire house decorated in a matter of hours...
One year she moved into a new house in early-mid December and discovered her tree wouldn't fit and had accidently stored some of her décor
so she went out and bought a new tree and had the house completely ready for Christmas 3 days after moving in
not kidding...
So when I became an adult and got married and had my own house I wanted to be like my mom...
I wanted lights on the outside...and because I am afraid of heights I knew I would never get them on the roof...and the ex was having nothing to do with it nor would he let me pay someone to do it.
So I found lights I could put into stakes and line the driveway...
except we didn't have power out there at the time...
sigh...
I continued to decorate for my own pleasure and then when the kids came I decorated to add to their joy of the holiday...
and for a few years I got some help out of the kids but for the most part they would stick on a few ornaments and get quickly bored.
A couple of years ago The Cutest Boy in the World had a darling little girlfriend. She was adorable and she was Jewish.
She had never decorated a Christmas tree...
So with her parent's blessing she, and her sweet mama, came over and she and her mom helped me put some ornaments on the tree.
She had a great time and it was fun sharing a tradition with someone who had not experienced it before....and when my son broke up with her I think I was as heartbroken as she was...
When my mother passed away all the joy of the holidays left me...
I couldn't face decorating at all...and putting out the decorations I had gotten from her was more than I could bear...
So we went to Disneyworld and enjoyed their décor...
This went on for a couple of years...the only décor I put out was the stockings...that was it...
Weirdly the kids didn't care and the ex was relieved I wasn't whining about him not helping me...
and he was overjoyed that the 400 (ok not 400 but it seemed like it) little lit porcelain houses were not having to be on display and me spending all my time setting up perfect Snow Villages...
But once we split up I decided that I was going to find my joy again and since I had always done it alone I could handle it myself...
So I bought a new tree and decorated to my hearts content...
and the year I had my surgery the day after Xmas my housekeeper gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another...
SHE PUT AWAY ALL MY CHRISTMAS STUFF FOR ME
yes, I wept with joy at that one...
I have great memories of holiday decorating during my childhood.
It was always a big deal when we got to drive to Corpus Christi and go pick out a huge tree for the house. My dad almost never came with us because he loved waiting in the driveway to "receive" the tree and tell us what a great job we did picking it out...
he was only unhappy with our choice one year because we desperately wanted a flocked tree and he hated them...
I think I remember my mom going back for a green one...
My dad loved decorating the tree...
and each and every year he would break at least one ornament
My mom had purchased some ornaments back in the 60's that were apparently outrageously expensive (in my father's eyes) and quite delicate...
mind you these were not Radko's...and as I recall there were about 2 dozen of them and they were hideous (or at least I remember them as hideous but at the time they may have been pretty)
They were class oblong shaped with gold tinsel twisted inside of them
and every single year my dad dropped one and it would break
every.single.year.
I think he did it on purpose
When my parents divorced and we moved to Houston my mom didn't put out some of the ornaments like that for many years...I think it made her sad...
But when I came home from college one year I found a box of ornaments we hadn't touched in years and brought it out....
we had a great time reminiscing about the ornaments in the box and we put them on the tree...including the one surviving ornament of the ones my dad broke...
the year he died (1984) we were heartbroken to open the box and find some of the ornaments were broken
and smashed, in the bottom of the box, was the last of the gold tinsel ornaments he hated so much
I think Daddy had the last laugh
I burst into tears and then started to laugh so much I think I actually pee'd myself...
it was like a sweet little message from him letting us know he was still with us...
and he still hated those ornaments...
I don't have but one ornament that I put on the tree left over from my childhood...
it is a "sputnik"
(and for those of you too young to understand it is an ornament that is basically a small center ball with beaded pins sticking out from it...so it looked like the Russian space satellite)
I made it along with my friends Merry Mary Lee and Joyful Janet...Joyful Janet's mom helped us make them and we had such fun doing them
And I hope Merry Mary Lee and Joyful Janet still have theirs...because I always think of them when I see mine...
I used to do a tree entirely done with purple ornaments (because it is my favorite color)...it was obnoxious...
it was in my living room and it looked like drag queens and showgirls had a brawl and the tree was the result of that fight...
it sparkled
My tree in my den was always ornaments I had collected on our travels and gifts from friends...
this year I am going to combine the drag queen purple with the Radko and travel explosion and see how it turns out...
if the movers can locate my stuff...
It's fun having a new place to decorate...and Dragon is more than ready to climb all over the greenery and décor...
It needs to look a little more like Christmas here in Casa Bonita...I want to remember the joy I had with my parents and even though they aren't here to celebrate the holidays with me I have the memories of those times from my past and I know that they are sending me their love from heaven
and I just now purchased 4 vintage ornaments on eBay...they aren't EXACTLY like the ones my Daddy broke but they are as close to them as possible...
because I don't want it to just look like Christmas here...I want it to look like my childhood too so I can have my Mom and Daddy with me this year and always....
Inspiration Song: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" written by Meredith Wilson (yes I found a way to sneak musical theater in---he wrote "The Music Man"). Various artists have recorded it and my favorites are Bing Crosby, Perry Como and Michael Buble's versions...because I am hoping that by writing this I will be inspired to get my decorating done ASAP...
Bye Darlings...is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas at your house? It's snuck up on me this year and before we know it, it will be here...and so will Hanukkah...so may this season bring you blessings and the delights of childhood...and only one broken ornament or two...
So Thanksgiving is so over and done...
Are you joining me in my Thanksgiving Resolution Revolution?
I'm trying my best to keep to it...I actually am doing better with it than if it was a New Year's Resolution...
I'm bound and determined not to regret the holidays this year...well not the holidays but every single morsel I put into my mouth and the laziness that follows...
So far no egg nog has entered Casa Bonita...
yet...
But also so far there is no décor in Casa Bonita...
that is because all my decorations are locked in storage at the movers...I'm hoping that by tomorrow they will have located all the stuff that is in the vault (a huge wooden box they keep it in) and will call me to tell me to come and get it...
The only decorations I have with me right now are two small pre-lit trees that are on either side of my fireplace...and for some reason Dragon is terrified of them---but only when they are turned on...
I want to have a whole "Griswold Light Show" outside but thus far I have been unable to locate C-9 lights anywhere...I have the clips, I have had the yard man cut back the bushes...I even have someone who will put them up for me...
but no lights
I think I am going to have to order some online...maybe I can get them up by December 24...
Decorating for Christmas has always been an ordeal for me...
when I was first married I didn't realize I had married the Grinch...the ex never ever wanted to help me with decorating...he could have cared less about it all
so he didn't help at all...
it was like pulling teeth to get him to even carry a tree in...I think he helped pick one out...
once...
After years of suffering sinus infections and feeling awful during the holidays I discovered that I am allergic to Christmas trees...between the pollen and the microscopic mold that grows on them my allergies kick in to high gear and I am sick from the day the tree comes in until it dies...
My allergist told me to "wash" the tree...
yes...
wash the tree...
I tried it once and it was a colossal pain in the you-know-what...
And after years of having no help with the live tree and getting the ex to help me get the tree out (and no not even once did he ever put an ornament on or take one off) I gave up and decided I needed a faux tree if I was going to survive...and not have a dead tree in the living room for the month of January...
Had I known I was marrying someone who would never ever help me with decorating for Christmas I might have saved myself a lot of aggravation...
The problem wasn't just that he wouldn't help...
it was that I kept expecting him to change and decide one year that he would help....
So it really wasn't his fault...he was as he was and he wasn't changing...
I was just frustrated that he wasn't changing...and I was wrong to expect it..
(so let's just add "wants to help decorate for Christmas" to my "this is what I want in a man" list along with dimples, blue eyes, looks a bit like Steve McQueen and drives a truck...yeah, that'll do...)
My ex-husband's mother had atrocious taste...like it was so bad you almost thought she was being ironic with it...so his memories of Christmas décor are all tied up in aluminum trees and ornaments that were so awful that they weren't even fun in a "these are so ugly they are cool" way...
it was just bad
like "are we being punked" bad...
and his cousin, who I totally love and adore, is one of those women you might find on a tv show about crazy Christmas décor because literally every room in her house (and garage) has a tree in it and there is a theme to every room...and snow village houses in every room...and the most amazing humongous snow village set-up in the garage.
It is jaw-dropping
When she and her girlfriend were building the house they put in extra plugs for the Christmas décor and built a storage room for it all.
They even have a village in their bathroom...they cover the tub with plywood and put a village in there...and a gorgeous Victorian themed tree in their bedroom
not kidding
it's awesome...and I miss going to their house at Christmas and admiring it all...
I came from a family that had every room perfectly decorated (I think my mom had decorators help when I was young) and it was all perfectly coordinated and gorgeous...and the whole house always had lights on outside...perfectly outlining the roof...
my mother often hosted Holiday teas when I was young and so the house was perfectly done...
my mom had fairly flawless taste and she made a lot of wreaths and could get her entire house decorated in a matter of hours...
One year she moved into a new house in early-mid December and discovered her tree wouldn't fit and had accidently stored some of her décor
so she went out and bought a new tree and had the house completely ready for Christmas 3 days after moving in
not kidding...
So when I became an adult and got married and had my own house I wanted to be like my mom...
I wanted lights on the outside...and because I am afraid of heights I knew I would never get them on the roof...and the ex was having nothing to do with it nor would he let me pay someone to do it.
So I found lights I could put into stakes and line the driveway...
except we didn't have power out there at the time...
sigh...
I continued to decorate for my own pleasure and then when the kids came I decorated to add to their joy of the holiday...
and for a few years I got some help out of the kids but for the most part they would stick on a few ornaments and get quickly bored.
A couple of years ago The Cutest Boy in the World had a darling little girlfriend. She was adorable and she was Jewish.
She had never decorated a Christmas tree...
So with her parent's blessing she, and her sweet mama, came over and she and her mom helped me put some ornaments on the tree.
She had a great time and it was fun sharing a tradition with someone who had not experienced it before....and when my son broke up with her I think I was as heartbroken as she was...
When my mother passed away all the joy of the holidays left me...
I couldn't face decorating at all...and putting out the decorations I had gotten from her was more than I could bear...
So we went to Disneyworld and enjoyed their décor...
This went on for a couple of years...the only décor I put out was the stockings...that was it...
Weirdly the kids didn't care and the ex was relieved I wasn't whining about him not helping me...
and he was overjoyed that the 400 (ok not 400 but it seemed like it) little lit porcelain houses were not having to be on display and me spending all my time setting up perfect Snow Villages...
But once we split up I decided that I was going to find my joy again and since I had always done it alone I could handle it myself...
So I bought a new tree and decorated to my hearts content...
and the year I had my surgery the day after Xmas my housekeeper gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another...
SHE PUT AWAY ALL MY CHRISTMAS STUFF FOR ME
yes, I wept with joy at that one...
I have great memories of holiday decorating during my childhood.
It was always a big deal when we got to drive to Corpus Christi and go pick out a huge tree for the house. My dad almost never came with us because he loved waiting in the driveway to "receive" the tree and tell us what a great job we did picking it out...
he was only unhappy with our choice one year because we desperately wanted a flocked tree and he hated them...
I think I remember my mom going back for a green one...
My dad loved decorating the tree...
and each and every year he would break at least one ornament
My mom had purchased some ornaments back in the 60's that were apparently outrageously expensive (in my father's eyes) and quite delicate...
mind you these were not Radko's...and as I recall there were about 2 dozen of them and they were hideous (or at least I remember them as hideous but at the time they may have been pretty)
They were class oblong shaped with gold tinsel twisted inside of them
and every single year my dad dropped one and it would break
every.single.year.
I think he did it on purpose
When my parents divorced and we moved to Houston my mom didn't put out some of the ornaments like that for many years...I think it made her sad...
But when I came home from college one year I found a box of ornaments we hadn't touched in years and brought it out....
we had a great time reminiscing about the ornaments in the box and we put them on the tree...including the one surviving ornament of the ones my dad broke...
the year he died (1984) we were heartbroken to open the box and find some of the ornaments were broken
and smashed, in the bottom of the box, was the last of the gold tinsel ornaments he hated so much
I think Daddy had the last laugh
I burst into tears and then started to laugh so much I think I actually pee'd myself...
it was like a sweet little message from him letting us know he was still with us...
and he still hated those ornaments...
I don't have but one ornament that I put on the tree left over from my childhood...
it is a "sputnik"
(and for those of you too young to understand it is an ornament that is basically a small center ball with beaded pins sticking out from it...so it looked like the Russian space satellite)
I made it along with my friends Merry Mary Lee and Joyful Janet...Joyful Janet's mom helped us make them and we had such fun doing them
And I hope Merry Mary Lee and Joyful Janet still have theirs...because I always think of them when I see mine...
I used to do a tree entirely done with purple ornaments (because it is my favorite color)...it was obnoxious...
it was in my living room and it looked like drag queens and showgirls had a brawl and the tree was the result of that fight...
it sparkled
My tree in my den was always ornaments I had collected on our travels and gifts from friends...
this year I am going to combine the drag queen purple with the Radko and travel explosion and see how it turns out...
if the movers can locate my stuff...
It's fun having a new place to decorate...and Dragon is more than ready to climb all over the greenery and décor...
It needs to look a little more like Christmas here in Casa Bonita...I want to remember the joy I had with my parents and even though they aren't here to celebrate the holidays with me I have the memories of those times from my past and I know that they are sending me their love from heaven
and I just now purchased 4 vintage ornaments on eBay...they aren't EXACTLY like the ones my Daddy broke but they are as close to them as possible...
because I don't want it to just look like Christmas here...I want it to look like my childhood too so I can have my Mom and Daddy with me this year and always....
Inspiration Song: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" written by Meredith Wilson (yes I found a way to sneak musical theater in---he wrote "The Music Man"). Various artists have recorded it and my favorites are Bing Crosby, Perry Como and Michael Buble's versions...because I am hoping that by writing this I will be inspired to get my decorating done ASAP...
Bye Darlings...is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas at your house? It's snuck up on me this year and before we know it, it will be here...and so will Hanukkah...so may this season bring you blessings and the delights of childhood...and only one broken ornament or two...
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