Lime in the Coconut Part Dos

So I left you with a little cliffhanger last time...it's been so long since I have blogged I figured I better give you a reason to keep coming back...

So pour that glass of wine, mix that drink, brew that coffee, or get that soda over ice (and if you are sipping cucumber water as you read this I am not sure whether to feel sorry for you or be proud...)...pull up your chair and finish my little Sedona girls trip with me...

A quick recap:
GOTTESS planned a trip for 6 girls to Sedona...we had a long flight, I met TonyFab, we managed to be 6 women with one grocery cart but only one bag of pita chips, we had deer in the backyard, we went hot tubbing, we took a fun Pink Jeep tour ride while GOTTESS look like the Unibomber and I matched the Jeep, my daughter Ke$ha Barbie was in danger in Boston (not really but it felt like it) so I used that as an excuse for a massage with the adorable Victor, we had our dinner served by a magician, and some of us got up at 4:30 in the morning to take a balloon ride...

Here we go...

LIME IN THE COCONUT PART DOS

Chapter 13: UP UP AND AWAY IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON...EXCEPT THAT I AM STYING ON TERRA FIRMA THANKYOUVERYMUCH

GOTTESS and SuSu and KuteKerry got up at 4:30 (or was it 4:00?)

KuteKatie, Darling D, and I slept in...

Actually I had booked an 8:30 facial so while I did sleep a lot later than the Balloon girls, I didn't sleep all that late...and I was very grateful to not wake up to frantic emails about bombers in Boston.

Now those of you who know me well know very well why I DID NOT take the balloon ride...

But for those of you who do not know me well, here's why:

I.DON'T.DO.HEIGHTS

EVER

MAKE THAT NEVER EVER

Um, I will almost not even get on a step stool...and a ladder?  fugetaboudit....

I don't like to be high (except on life...).

I don't climb things

I don't do rockwalls...I don't take scary bridges...I don't zip line (but I might...maybe...)...I don't like gondolas or sky rides...never gonna bungee jump...and there is no way in hell I will ever sky dive...

Let me put it this way---

I LIKE STAYING ON THE EARTH

The only "floating" I do is in the water...not gonna float about ground.

And the other factor in my decision not to take the balloon ride (beside pure terror and all the horror stories I have seen on the news about balloons and power lines and crashes) is that I am very very claustrophobic...and the thought of being in the basket made me cray-cray...plus the "up high" part...

So there was about as much chance that I would ride the balloon as me flying to the moon...

NOT.GONNA.HAPPEN.

and I also knew that my freakout was not going to add to the enjoyment of anyone's ride...and yes, I can state emphatically that I would have freaked the heck out.

KuteKerry offered me some King Cake Vodka for courage (see the blog "Mardi Gras Day" why that is funny...and not a good idea) but even that...or Xanax...wasn't going to make me fit for flying...

So they took the ride...and we stayed on terra firma...

I am happy to report they had a great time and it was a wonderful adventure for them...I am happy to say they returned intact and happy they did it...

I am happy to say I did not...

Instead I had my lovely relaxing facial...

Chapter 14: WHY DOES MY FACE SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRY YOGURT?

I love facials...

In fact, I think I can say they relax me more than a massage does...

I need to have more facials...

(Note to self: Have more facials...they make you happy!)

So while the lovely Ginger piled on all kinds of food smelling stuff on my face (and yes, I find it ironic her name was Ginger) I laid (or is it "layed" or "lay"?  I never got that one straight...MarvelousMargaret or sweet DelightfulDonna (an English teacher) please tell me!)....

anyway...I was laying down...or is it lying?  lie-ing?

ok I am digressing...

let me start again...

Ginger piled stuff on my face while I reclined on the facial bed...and I found it very relaxing...

how's that?

and I was super happy I wasn't in a balloon...

So after all the cleansing and moisturizing and massaging and putting on of masks, I was a very happy girl...even if my face smelled vaguely like strawberry yogurt...

I don't usually care to smell like strawberry yogurt...or food in general...

although sometimes I do enjoy smelling like chocolate...(see my new obsession with Palmer's Dry Oil...it's the bomb...go get some at the grocery store...it saved my skin)

So after all of that deep cleansing I decided to do the only logical thing...get myself sweaty and ride a spin bike for an hour and 15 minutes.

I went to the spa gym, put on a playlist and rode the bike...and made myself pretty happy doing so since I felt like I was being a slug missing spin class...

after all that virtuous working out I figured the next thing I needed was food...

stat...

so I looked at the spa menu and bingo...salmon...

Chapter 15: WHY WINE AT LUNCH IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA WHEN YOU ARE ON VACATION

I went to the spa restaurant (recommended by KuteKerry and KuteKatie who had eaten there the day before) and had a really delicious salmon dish...salmon on homemade ramen noodles with miso broth...if I figure out how to make it I will share the recipe

although I highly doubt I will be making homemade ramen...

To replenish my depleted electrolytes (I worked out HARD) I ordered coconut water...

(is a lightbulb going off in your head now?)

I hate coconut water...

but I figured...let's give it a try...again...

it came with a slice of orange...

I tried it...

I liked it...

but I also ordered a glass of white wine...

my alcohol consumption level was beginning to get out of equilibrium so I needed it...and it went well with my meal.

So yeah...wine at lunch while on vacation on a Saturday...color me happy....

I read more of my book and loved the fact that 6 of us can go and do our own thing and nobody objected or felt left out...

that is why you travel with perfect companions like I did...

So what's the next thing you do after having your pores cleansed and your face still smells like strawberry yogurt?

Chapter 16: FALCONS AND HAWKS AND OWLS...OH MY!  YES!  LET'S ALL HOLD AND PET THE BIRDS OF PREY...

So I tossed on my suit and I headed to the pool...I figured at least one member of our little party would be there and I was very happy to see GOTTESS there and then we found DarlingD.

GOTTESS filled us in on the balloon ride...DarlingD and I agreed it sounded like fun but were very happy we stayed on the ground.

Some of the girls were headed to the spa for other treatments and GOTTESS and I wanted to go to town to shop for a few souveniers so we headed back to the casa but along the way we saw...

BIRDS

now they were not randomly flying birds but rather birds set upon perches so that the guests could look at and interact with them.

There was a falcon, a hawk, an owl, and some little baby bird that the bird man kept telling us was NOT a baby but rather a full grown SMALL bird but to GOTESS and I it was a baby bird...it was tiny and cute...even if it could rip your eyes out.

It was a kestrel...GOTTESS opted to hold it...Miss Fraidy Pants here did not...I have a photo of her holding the bird but I do not post photos of my friends...only myself...but here's some shots of the birds...they don't care if they are on my blog or not...

GOTTESS and I petted the owl.  That falcon did not look like it wanted to be petted (and yes, I don't believe any falcon looks like it wants to be petted) so we just looked at it.  When it began to flap it's wings I began to worry if my hair looked too much like some sort of food it would like (I have a problem with goats and llamas thinking so) but then I remembered it is a raptor and my hair didn't much resemble some sort of rodent (at least right then...although it has been known to resemble one when I am wearing a hairpiece...KuteKerry and SuSu and GOTTESS refer to it as "the ferret"...see the blog "Mardi Gras Day" if I have confused you).

KuteKerry is fond of birds so we texted her to come and have a visit before the bird man took them away.

I have to admit, even though they could have taken out my eye, they were pretty cool...and that owl was about the softest thing I have ever touched...

now I want an owl of my own...

but I don't think my cats will approve...

but Ke$ha Barbie would totally be on board with it...

I do have chimney sweeps (birds) in my chimney right now...but they don't count...and I am so off topic with this I do believe I need to go and take one of my son's ADD meds...

so back on topic...we left the birds, found KuteKatie by the "adult only" pool and proceeded to get cleaned up so we could shop...

because....

Chapter 17: I HAVE A BLACK BELT IN SHOPPING FOR A VERY GOOD REASON

Let me preface this by saying that I got called not once but TWICE by American Express Fraud alert while I was in Sedona...

do you think maybe they were worried?

I'll get to more of that in a moment (because KuteKatie and GOTTESS will be disappointed if I don't)

So DarlingD, SuSu and KuteKerry decide they don't want to go into town to shop but KuteKatie, GOTTESS and I do...so the 3 of us load into the suburban and head into town.

First stop is this really cute shopping center that was built to resemble a mercado somewhere in Mexico.

We shop around...I buy spices, GOTTESS buys a ring, KuteKatie considers some necklaces.

I'm after the spices and some authentic jewelery, GOTTESS needs presents for the parentals and GOTTSON and KuteKatie is looking for fun stuff...and we all become obsessed with the salted caramel fudge I felt compelled to buy.

yeah...it was THAT good...

basically if you put salt, caramel, and chocolate together you can't help but find a winner there...

We found a store that had some cute clothes in the window.

You know how when you see something in a window that just screams "This will totally be like Julia Roberts in the shopping scene from Pretty Woman" so you go in and look at it and...

it's crap?

yeah...that's what happened...

I've seen better looking clothes in the stalls at the local Fiesta store...

but from the window they looked REALLY cute...

so we abandon the darling shopping center and head back toward the main shopping street in Sedona.

We just luck into a cute little shopping center and voila!

Souvenier time!

We buy dream catchers (my children need them for their nightmares even though they are teenagers...although maybe I should hang one from my bed so I quit having bad dreams and dream of a man with a big ass truck), Christmas ornaments, and I find gifts for JayVee and D-nice.

I wanted to go to that particular shopping center because they had a store there that had stuff that GOTTSON would like...it's a store full of things that change color in the sunlight.  My kids always enjoyed their stuff so I knew GOTTSON would too...

GOTTESS fixes up the gifts for GOTTSON and KuteKatie and I wander into the next store where we find blinged out sunglasses...

I try a pair on...they look pretty cute...GOTTESS takes my photo...I'm thinking "mine!" until KuteKatie notices that they are $270...

no...

never gonna happen...

I may be considering purchasing a $400 blender (a vitamix...please tell me if you have one and love it!) but I'm not stupid...

So we leave that store and find ourselves in the olive oil and vinegar store (very similar to the one I visited in Boston when I took Ke$ha Barbie to school).

The woman who works there is sweet but basically clueless so I fill her in on all the awesome combinations of vinegars and oils I enjoy (and maybe one day I will blog about it but not today).  She takes notes.  They ship for free so GOTTESS and I are sold and purchase a few bottles of goodies to enjoy at home.

I will say one thing...

they had bacon flavored olive oil...

I might just consider drinking it one day...

it's the bomb to fry an egg in...

KuteKatie finds a store with necklaces...she is still on the hunt...she finds one that she likes but GOTTESS and I tell her to back away slowly as the stuff on it is bigger than her pretty head...so she wisely does...

By this point we are hungry and desperately in need of a something alcoholic so we ask the shop girls and they recommend a place down the street.  We head there...margaritas are calling our name.

We sit and order...KuteKatie gets a regular margarita (with a souvenier glass!), GOTTESS orders one that has cucumber and mint in it and mine is pretty much the same with the addition of jalapeno...

I highly recommend you try a margarita with a little jalapeno muddled in...

trust me...

it's...amazeballs...

We had a fun dinner (the other girls opted to stay at the resort) and shopped a bit as we headed back to the car.

GOTTESS found a cute little picture in one store that she held up and said "this is you!":

"A little glitter never hurt anyone"

yeah...that's me...

and GOTT has me costuming a show again so I think I might staple it to my forehead (he is not much of a glitter fan and I pretty much sweat it I love it so much...Glitter is my life...remember I am Tinkerbell)

There was a gay man running the store...GOTTESS and KuteKatie pretty much had to drag me out as I tend to want to just hang out with gay men whenever possible...because I lurvs them...and I seem to be catnip to them...

So we head back to the resort and face the fact that the next morning we have to pack up and leave...

Chapter 18: LIME IN THE COCONUT

yes!!!!

here it is!!!!!

Well...sorta...you gotta read a bit more...

DarlingD, Susu, KuteKerry, and GOTTESS decide to go on a hike Sunday morning.

KuteKatie needs her rest and sleeps in and opts to have a leisurely yummy breakfast in the restaurant.

I get up and head to the spa gym and my nemesis the spin bike.

I say nemisis because the damn thing was one of the Lance Armstrong Lifecycle things and I hate it.

HATE IT

People built like me knock their knees on the stupid handles under the handlebars...not built for me.

I love my Keiser at the club....

It's like driving a Ford when you are used to a Mercedes...make that a Maserati...

So I do my time on the bike to pay for my sins and head to the spa restaurant for a late breakfast.

Egg white omlette

coffee

coconut water

WITH LIME

bingo!  I have found a way to like coconut water...

you put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up...

got it?

Good!

If not you are too young to be reading this blog...

I have my breakfast and head back to the casa to shower and pack.

KuteKatie and I pack and dress and enjoy watching "Anchorman" on tv...and we begin to panic wondering where the rest of our little group is...

They finally make it back...scarf down the remaining food and shower and pack and we hit the road for Phoenix.

Chapter 19: I USUALLY ONLY EAT TACO BELL IF I AM QUITE DRUNK BUT WHEN YOU STOP FOR A POTTY BREAK THERE YOU SORTA HAVE TO GET A TACO

We needed a potty stop...

Taco Bell was on the way...

so a few of us indulged...

I did not have one of the "oh so talked about" Doritos flavored tacos (can you believe they need a whole new army of workers because of them?  I'd like to see the day a restaurant needs an army of workers because they have started serving salmon burgers...)

We head into Phoenix and I begin to worry that we are a bit late and me and my big ass bag will miss the "check your bags in" deadline...

mercifully we did not miss the deadline and the big ass bag made it onto the plane.

Sadly I did not have TonyFab or anyone fab to sit with me on the return flight but the plane did have tv on it so I watched "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" and was entertained.

We got to Houston and managed to find all of our bags at baggage claim.

Sadly KuteKatie and I couldn't remember what floor the car was parked on in the garage so we did take an extra tour of the airport parking garage but we found it and were soon on our way...

I dropped her at her house, headed to mine, and got home in time to be screamed at by a cat...

Why the hell did I ever leave Sedona?

I came home to CATS...no man, no son, no daughter...CATS!

Epilogue:
I have now been home over 10 days...I want to go back...I came back to sub teaching at my children's former school...this week I got to have not one but 2 jobs...technology and helping my friend MarvelousMargaret with the little chil'ren...(and yes, moving little kids is exhausting...blog coming about that).

Is it possible to detox from your detox?

All I can say is...go there...with good friends or loved ones...and enjoy!

Oh, and read "Let's Pretend this Never Happened"...

Inspiration Song: "Lime in the Coconut" by Harry Nilsson...you put the lime in the coconut and drink em both up"...yes, put LIME in your coconut water...and the song is silly but fun...and I do love the movie "Practical Magic" and the Midnight Margarita scene...and yes, I named my blog after a non-alcoholic drink I had on my last day in Sedona...how do you like that?

Bye Darlings...go to Sedona...have lime in your coconut water...travel with fun sweet friends...be grateful your child isn't near a bombing...have a facial even if it makes you smell like strawberry yogurt...a masseuse who is good looking and great is always a good thing...jalapeno muddled into margaritas is amazing...hot tubs are fun with good friends...stay outta the balloon if you are afraid of heights...pink jeeps are fun...

but coming home...even if it is only to your cats...makes a vacation really...

wonderful!

xoxox

Lime in the Coconut

Disclaimer #1:  I started writing this blog while  I was teaching 6th grade math (and yes I use the term "teaching" very loosely because it is really high level babysitting and just to reassure those of you who may have had a child in "my" class that day---I totally had a cheat sheet so no lasting permanent math damage was done and when your child misses a math question on the SAT please don't blame me although it would be a convenient excuse and I make a good target). (Note from Anice after she has finished teaching: NO ACTUAL HARM WAS DONE TO ANY ACTUAL CHILDREN but I can't say that they will all be the same after my attempt at algebra...) But that's not the "disclaimer" part here ...what is the disclaimer is that I am trying to type this blog on my iPad...heaven help us all for what autocorrect might do to this...

Disclaimer #2....I am heavily under the influence of the humor and writing style of my new heroine---Jenny Lawson.  She is a blogger and columnist for the Houston Chronicle...but more importantly she wrote a book that I am insanely in love with ---"Let's Pretend this Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)".  RoyBoy turned me on to her blog and I read it for a minute and promptly went on Amazon to download the book.  Buy.This.Book.  It's damn funny.  She makes me look like the total amateur humorist I am.  She's brilliant.  She's hilarious.  I totally plan to stalk her and send her notes if I can figure out how to find her.  I plan to make her my new "other" best friend...I'd never drop my old besties in favor of a new one but I do want to add her to my collection.  And in homage to her this blog will have...chapters!  Her chapter titles alone make me laugh out loud.

Disclaimer #3....unlike the above memoir things in this blog are totally true and not "mostly" true.  Therefore names have been changed to blog names to protect the innocent.  You will already be familiar with some of the characters (GOTTESS chief among them).  We did nothing wrong or that could get us arrested and the alcohol level was far below that of what it was when we went to Mardi Gras but all the same I like to protect my peeps...you never know who might Google up your name and what they will see and heaven forbid it is my blog...

Disclaimer #4...this is a long blog...as I start this I realize I may have to break it up...so pull up a chair and pour yourself a beverage of choice (I would go with "wine" or "dirty martini" but it might be morning when you read this and "coffee" or "diet coke" are your best options)....in any case you have been warned that this is a long one so you better go and pee now...

So without further delay...let's get this party started...

LIME IN THE COCONUT

Preface:

So I'm sure your first question is "what the hell is this blog about if she is calling it Lime in the Coconut and it's about a trip to Arizona with 5 other women"?...

The answer will be revealed in due time...there's your answer..sorta...

I have a reason...not a very GOOD reason but a reason nonetheless

Besides, you are sitting here wasting your time reading this so you know you want to find out, right?

And while doing so you are secretly singing the song to yourself (and if you don't know this song you are too young to be reading this blog...) and thinking of the movie "Practical Magic" and wondering if somehow I am going to say something about making magical midnight margaritas here...even though there are no coconuts in good margaritas...but yes, there is lime..

And yes I know that Arizona is a dry desert (boy do my lips and skin know that) and not a tropical place but believe it or not there were actual limes and coconut (water) involved...

Chapter 1: WHY GOTTESS IS NOT JUST MY SISTER WIFE BUT ALSO THE BEST TRAVEL PLANNER....

So a few months ago GOTTESS sends out an email and basically says that she has found a fabulous resort in Arizona and has booked a casa at it and we should all go.  6 of us booked the trip and put ourselves into her wise and wonderful hands...

Because you see, when GOTTESS plans a trip, well you just gotta go...

So it was me, GOTTESS, Susu (you remember her from such blogs as "Last Friday Night" and (shudder) "Mardi Gras  Day", KuteKerry (ok I will admit she is "Friend 6" from "Mardi Gras Day"), DarlingD (I wasn't sure how to handle her name since it is sorta distinctive so I'm shortening it to "D"), and KuteKatie who constituted our little party of 6.

DarlingD was already out in Phoenix so she wasn't on the long-ass plane ride with us (I know you are wondering how a flight to Phoenix can last so long but it did...answer to follow) so the rest of us took a flight leaving about 9:30 on Thursday morning.  I picked up KuteKatie at 7:15 and we got to the airport in plenty of time for us to chill in the President's Club before getting on the plane (and that might be the only time I have been in the Pres Club and NOT had a Bloody Mary).

So onto the plane we went (and at this point you are really happy this is a blog and not a book where you might actually have to pay for things like these super short chapters)

Chapter 2: YOUR HANDBAG IS BETTER THAN MINE AND YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND AND IF I HAVE TO BE STUCK ON A PLANE FOR 4 HOURS I AM GLAD IT IS YOU

So I am by myself on the plane...so is KuteKatie.  GOTTESS, SuSu and KuteKerry managed to have seats together...I was only 2 rows behind.

I'm sitting there and then I see this guy...white jacket, gorgeous scarf, fabulous jewelry, and a Michael Kors handbag TO DIE FOR.  Very nice looking man.  Great jewelry.

I started praying "please let him sit next to me because the only way this flight is gonna be fun is if I am next to someone who IS fun"

wish granted

(And I should note that when GOTTESS saw him she prayed the same thing for me...my sister wife knows me all too well...she knows I love FAB and this guy was screaming FAB with that handbag)

he plops next to me in the middle seat...I'm by the window

5 minutes into it we have introduced ourselves to each other and I know he has been up for hours upon hours and is traveling to a family funeral and his flights had gotten waaaaay screwed up.  And for blog purposes Mr. Fabulous shall now be known as TonyFab.

I promptly offer to change seats with him as soon as we are allowed to do so without risk of being shot...I wish I had video of it because:
1) I am still amazed I fit into a plane seat much less not need an extender
and
2) the fact that I scampered from one seat to the next without tilting the plane is pretty much a miracle because if that plane had been a pinball machine "TILT" would have occurred...
and
3)we managed to not disrupt the other passengers...miracle

10 minutes in I learn that he has been with his husband for 20 years and he knows I am divorced and the mother of the amazing Ke$ha Barbie and the incredible The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW). I know he is a realtor in Kansas and he knows I once weighed 300 pounds and went on Oprah.

We switch seats and he dozes and I start to read my hysterical book (promise me...if you even sorta like my blog you will LOVE "Let's Pretend this Never Happened").  When the flight attendants finally make it back to us TonyFab says he is buying me a drink for letting him have the window seat.

I promptly order the Bloody Mary I so missed having in the President's Club...

thank you my darling TonyFab

We spend the rest of the flight gabbing and enjoying each other's company.  GOTTESS stops by for a hello. The poor fellow next to me has tried to chime in on our conversation but frankly when you have found a new best friend a 3rd wheel is not welcome...

So it takes 4 hours to get to Phoenix because of the storm...not 4 hours with the time change but 4 actual hours in flight (it only took 2 hours 5 minutes to get home).  Thank goodness I had TonyFab with me.

We deplane and I introduce him to the girls and I sadly say goodbye to a man I dearly wish lived here in Houston so he could be my gay husband (if his own didn't mind)...I really need one for those times you need a date but don't WANT a date...and my son doesn't always cooperate...and I know that TonyFab would make sure I had fun and looked...well...FAB!

So TonyFab, if you read this darling...you have a friend for life here in Houston...kisses my darling!

Chapter 3: SIX WOMEN, 7 SUITCASES AND A SUBURBAN

So at this point I think I have failed to mention that I took not one but 2 suitcases with me...a tote and a huge ass suitcase...like enormous...like I worry every time I travel that it will be over the weight limit...like I know there are people who go to Europe for a month with a smaller bag than this...it borders on being a trunk.  Part of the reason is that I have to travel with my pillow.  And it's a temperpedic so it's big.

The other girls all have nice little carry on sized bags...but not me!  I'm the oldest of the bunch but certainly not the wisest when it comes to packing.  These gals work and travel a good bit for their jobs so they know how to pack.

But I need a helluva lot of crap to be "me" so I have a helluva big suitcase.

The girls laughed their heads off at it...I deserved it...but being me, I needed my stuff...

and my pillow...

and 4 maxi dresses (yes, we were only there 3 nights) and all my workout clothes plus other clothes plus another dress plus my rollers plus all my beauty products (basically a Sephora store) plus 2 pairs of athletic shoes...plus...well, you get the picture...

So we say goodbye to TonyFab and head to the rental cars...GOTTESS has wisely booked us an SUV and we super-sized it and got the suburban.

GOTTESS has never driven a suburban before.

GOTTESS drives a sedan.

I am the only member of our party who has driven a suburban but because GOTTESS rented the car, she had to chauffeur us...

and she did a dandy fine job of it...I think before it is all said and done she might just come over to the dark side and want a suburban for herself...

We heard on into the car and away we go...first stop food and then on to Sedona...

Chapter 4: MY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION LEVEL IS BEGINNING TO DROP AND SO YOU BETTER FIND A PLACE TO EAT THAT SERVES BEER

We end up at...Chili's...

Actually it wasn't a bad choice at all.

They had beer.

I opted for a Blue Moon.

It had been a hell of a week starting with me subbing for 6th grade Math (yes, today was not my first time at that rodeo) and Ke$ha Barbie being in Boston in college for the bombings and me worrying that she was in class in the city...thankfully she was safe in Medford when the bombings occurred.

Only one other member of our party joined me and she shall remain nameless to protect her innocence but I will confirm it was NOT GOTTESS as she was driving...

I had a burger (it was good) and a second beer (I was NOT driving).

KuteKerry had started the morning off not feeling well so she perked up after some chicken and everyone happily scarfed down lunch and as I looked around the table at the 5 women I was with I can honestly say I couldn't have been happier to be in their company...and I knew we were in for a good time.

Chapter 5: SIX WOMEN AND ONE SHOPPING CART AND 8 OR WAS IT 10 BOTTLES OF WINE

We herd back into the car and head down the road to Sedona.

Our ears pop

We exclaim at the beauty we see before us

We discuss spin class and songs on the radio and why we love Bruno Mars and the lead singer from the group "Fun"...

We discuss many things....many many things...hell there were 6 women in the car...I think we could have solved pretty much any issue if you had presented it to us...if we had tried I think we could have solved the budget crisis and poverty...

We get to Sedona and hit the Safeway right away.

If you think shopping without a list is confusing...try being 6 women with one cart trying to organize what we THINK we might want (we knew we had a kitchen but just how stocked it was remained to be seen).

We did know we wanted wine

and fruit

and other stuff

and somehow we only ended up with one bag of pita chips

now that was our first mistake...because you can't have 6 women on a trip and have only one bag of pita chips...

(I would also like to note that in Arizona you can buy hard liquor at the grocery store....awesome)

But we managed to round up what we think we wanted/needed and headed on out to the resort...

Chapter 6: THERE'S A DEER IN MY BACKYARD...YES, A REAL LIVE DEER...MAKE THAT A FEW REAL LIVE DEER...

We get to the resort and are blown away...it's gorgeous.

The call it "Enchantment" for a reason (look it up...Enchantment Resort in Sedona).

Totally.Totally.Gorgeous.

GOTTESS had wisely booked us a casa which consisted of one bedroom with 2 queen beds, 2 huge full bathrooms, a huge living room with 2 murphy beds (queen sized), 2 fireplaces, a full kitchen, and a patio...

where the deer were playing right outside...

oh and no antelope...(please say you "get" this..."where the deer and the antelope play....")

but despite no antelope it was...

heaven

enchantment

yup...I drank the Kool Aid and I want more...actually I drank the cucumber water and the prickly pear lemonade but never mind...you know what I mean...

Me and my big ass suitcase were very happy there...

This is what we saw from our patio:

They took us on a tour and we "ooh'd and aaah'd" our way through it and once settled in the casa we saw the deer in the "back yard" and decided that we needed to open the wine and crack open the pita chips and have happy hour on the deck.

Which we did

And yes, the bag of pita chips was pretty much destroyed at that point.

A few girls left to check out the spa and the rest of us remained to drink more wine and I showed them the video of the Wisdom Tooth Murderer on YouTube.

(If you have not seen the Wisdom Tooth Murderer look it up...I promise you will love me for it...If I could figure out how to post a link here I would...because it is literally the funniest thing I have seen in ages...just click on the photo of the girl who looks like she has a giant diaper on her head...I promise you that you will be happy you did).

The spa spy girls returned and we elected to head to the bar (it was outside) for sunset...

Chapter 7: SUNSET WITH THE GOLDEN GIRLS (AND YES I AM FULLY AWARE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A "BEACHES" TYPE BOOK TITLE)

So off to the fabulous outdoor bar we go...and we run smack into...ourselves in 20 years...

not kidding

except there were only 5 of them...

but they were a group of women who traveled together and were friends...

they loved us...we loved them...

of course 2 of them were Pi Phi's like me so it was truly a love match...

they were adorable...I wish I had their names...I bet they are on Facebook...

I lurved them...like I wanted to just sit there and soak up their awesomeness...but it was cold and we needed seats by a flame

you know...one of those flame things for outside to keep you warm?  yeah...one of those...

KuteKatie ordered the Prickly Pear Margarita...

it came highly recommended

I highly recommend you don't order it...

all 6 of us tasted it and even KuteKatie (who is one of the nicest girls you will ever meet) sent it back.

I pretty much "ooked" out the group by ordering steak tartare...SuSu at some with me but the raw meat was pretty much mine and it was awesome.  

We had a few other appetizers and a round of drink and the sun went down and we decided that the only logical thing to do was to go...

Chapter 8: HOT TUB TIME (MACHINE)

yeah...we went to the hot tub...at the spa...

The Mii Amo spa at the Enchantment Resort is the bomb...and we descended upon it like the fun craving girls we are...

First we got into the indoor hot tub in the ladies locker room...well actually GOTTESS and I tried out the dry sauna and then joined the other girls in the hot tub...but we noticed that SuSu and DarlingD weren't with us and we found them outside in the outdoor hot tub...sipping wine mind you...

(this was only after we sorta managed to chase off some poor woman who was doubtless trying to forget the fact that she had kids...and a hubby...and friends...with the peace and love of the hot tub...but then we came along and partied her right outta there).

GOTTESS and I sipped our hot tea and our group was happily bubbling away and then we were joined by some guy named John (who was quite good looking but sadly married) who had probably had not just a little more wine than us but A LOT more wine than us.  I bet his wife was happy we entertained him.

Anyway after some hot tub time (machine...I'm sorry...I saw that movie and thought it was funny as hell...and the whole time I was in the hot tub I was sorta hoping the clock would turn back for me and I would find my 20 year old self in the hot tub) we headed back to the casa and got ready for bed.

Chapter 9: WTF? WHAT THE HELL? WHY IS MY EMAIL SO FULL OF MESSAGES ABOUT BOSTON? I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING AND WHAT IS GOING ON? I'M SOOOOOOO CONFUSED...I JUST WOKE UP....

ok, so that is the longest chapter title ever....but literally that is how I felt when I woke up Friday morning.

I was sharing a bed with GOTTESS (as good sister wives do) and I checked my email quickly only to find an email from the president of Ke$ha Barbie's school and some other emails from concerned friends...

GOTTESS, being the excellent sister wife she is, notices my concern and we get on my iPad to see what the hell is going on...

yeah...BOSTON

Ke$ha Barbie in school in Boston.  Medford to be precise but she goes into Boston for her art classes.

Medford is next to Cambridge which is next to what is apparently the place where the idiots who bombed the Boston Marathon were having a gun fight with the police.

GOTTESS and I try to see, via my iPad, what the hell is going on...we accidentally turn a video on and then become completely stupid trying to shut it down lest we wake up KuteKerry and KuteKatie who are blissfully sleeping in the next bed unaware that my daughter is in the vicinity of mass murderers...

(ok, so that is a slight exaggeration but they were close enough that the campus got shut down and they asked the kids to stay in their dorms except for eating in the dining hall and classes were cancelled)

We quiet the iPad and get up and find that SuSu and DarlingD are up so we can turn the tv on and I can find out if I need to go into "Mom is in total panic mode" or not...

Thankfully "not" was the answer...

Ke$ha Barbie was easily reached by phone and informed me she was safe in her dorm room and would remain there with her boyfriend (who has waaaaaay more sense than her) until meal time or the "all clear" was sounded.

I stopped hyperventilating at that moment until she tells me that it is "Jumbo Days" there and that the newly accepted students were on campus to check things out...

I guess they checked out what happens when a terrorist is loose...

(As an aside here and in all seriousness...the university did an excellent job keeping the kids safe and my daughter was not in danger Friday nor was she on Monday when the bombs went off...and my heart is broken for the victims of this horrible tragedy and believe me when I say I pray for the people affected by this...the city of Boston...and I thank the sweet Lord for keeping my daughter out of harms way)

but really there is nothing quite like waking up to find out that your daughter is in some sort of danger and everyone knows it but you...

So once I could breathe again I was happy to dress for the next terrorizing part of my day:

THE PINK JEEP TOUR

which leads us to...

Chapter 10: IT'S ONLY A 30 DEGREE ANGLE EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE 90...

Part of GOTTESS' awesome "tour guide-ness" was to book some fun things for us to do...

The Pink Jeep Tour was one of them...

It's a wild ride...

in a pink jeep...

over rocky terrain...

Good advice: go to the potty first

even better good advice: don't drink a lot of liquids before the tour either

We got picked up by the Pink Jeep Tour company...in a pink jeep no less...and driven into Sedona.

GOTTESS managed to look like the Unibomber in her hoodie and glasses but she was beautiful nonetheless...GOTTESS is always beautiful..even when she is looking like a crazy person who lives in the wilderness and writes manifestos...

anyway....

we get to town and get organized for our trip.

We get our own jeep...with one extra passenger...

thank the sweet Lord she was a sweet, kind, fun, patient woman...named Ann (she will never read this so no blog name) and thankfully she was familiar with iPhone photography....

Our driver, I-can't-remember-his-name, was fun and funny...I think I better just call him "Driver"...

anyway....

we get into his jeep and off we go...

I'm so happy with the color of the jeep that the rest really didn't matter.

We begin to ride over rough terrain and seeing GORGEOUS scenery.

It was fun...we stop and take photos...

like this...

because you can't have enough photos of yourself jumping...

More...

We take a lot of photos and soak up the scenery and the total geek in me is loving that there is a tree that looks like a "Godswood" tree from "Game of Thrones" (if you ever want to discuss that show please let me know because I am addicted...like I can spend hours talking about how amazing Peter Dinklage is and how much I love the show...)

Part of the ride was to go down this 30 degree incline...which doesn't sound like much until you are in the jeep and actually doing it...here is a photo of a jeep doing it (not ours...come on...I take good photos but I am NOT magic...)

And then our driver had one more little "let's see how much these girls can scream" inclines to drive down:

The tour was fun and my photos don't begin to do it justice...

We headed back to the resort for a little pool time and some spa time...

Chapter 11: YOU DON'T NEED UMBRELLAS TO HAVE A GREAT DRINK BY THE POOL TO RELAX...AND A MASSEUSE NAMED VICTOR DOESN'T HURT EITHER...

This is the pool:

Yeah, right now I know you are feeling really bad for us that this is what we had to look at as we lounged by the pool and sipped drinks...

I was continuing to get emails updating me on what was going on with Ke$ha Barbie's school...and it wasn't helping me to relax...

So when I headed in to my massage with the Amazing Victor I was a ball of tense...but since it was an aromatherapy massage I got to pick my "mood" and the oils...so I went with "I feel Blessed...I feel Loved" and ended up with a delicious blend of rose, geranium, and frankincense...how do you spell that word?  You know it's one of the things the Magi brought the Baby Jesus...and it smells marvelous...

anyhoo...

He gave me a fabulous massage and it didn't hurt one bit that he was really cute and very sweet...

and afterwards I found out that the Boston Bombing suspect had been caught and when I called Ke$ha Barbie to ask her about it she says...

drumroll please...

"Oh Good! I can go shopping tomorrow!"

yeah...I needed ANOTHER massage after that comment...

So I just sighed to myself and headed back to the casa for a shower and a glass of wine and to get ready for dinner with the girls...

Chapter 12: WITH 3 STEAKS YOU GET A FREE MAGIC SHOW!!!!!!

After we all cleaned up and compared notes on spa treatments we headed to one of the resort restaurants to have dinner.

I naturally needed a martini (I was still stressed from the bomber...and no I don't mean GOTTESS looking like the Unabomber (or is it Unibomber? I have spelled it both ways to cover myself...) but the real bomber in Boston...) and a glass of wine...and a large very rare steak...

We had a lovely table by the fireplace (which sadly that night didn't work but whatev's....) and our waiter came and took our drink order...

First indication we were not in great "waiter hands"...SuSu ordered some bottled water which was PLOPPED in front of her...

WITHOUT A GLASS...

Um...no...

SuSu handled that quickly....and I still relish the fact I was across from her so I could see the look on her pretty face when that bottled PLOPPED down in front of her...

Dinner was good but I will admit it was not the best steak ever...but I was hungry...and the smoked mashed potatoes were the bomb.com....

We had a really lovely time just enjoying each others company and when the waiter presented the bill he informed us that he was a magician...

yeah right...

so he comes back and says "Do you want the best 2 minute magic show ever or the best 5 minute magic show ever?"

Why take 2 when you can get 5?

So we rolled with 5...

I can't describe it all here but I will say this:

THERE WAS MORE SCREAMING AT THAT TABLE THEN THERE WAS ON THE PINK JEEP TOUR

He totally freaked us out...

And I will admit it just might be the best 5 minute magic show I ever saw...but he still wasn't a very good waiter...

You know how you say "stick to your day job?"...in his case he needs to stick to his night job...

I just don't get the feeling there is a large call for magicians in Sedona...

So after dinner we headed back to the casa for a night of sleep and since SOME of us were getting up at 4:30 we needed to get to bed...

And I will say that SOME of us did not include moi....

Because the gals getting up at 4:30 were going on a balloon ride...

which leads us to....

Chapter 13: UP UP AND AWAY IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON...EXCEPT THAT I AM STAYING ON TERRA FIRMA THANKYOUVERYMUCH

GOTTESS and SuSu and KuteKerry got up at 4:30...

And right there my friends I am leaving you with the proverbial "cliffhanger"...

That's right...

I'm stopping this blog right now...

Because my darlings you have really read enough, no?

So I think I will stop right here and I PROMISE I will finish and post the rest of this blog by...let's say...Friday?

Maybe tomorrow...

But for now I am gonna let you rest your tired eyes and finish your drink...

So in the next blog I will answer pressing questions such as:

1) So what went on during the balloon ride?

2) why didn't Anice go?

3) what happened on the rest of the trip

4) why the hell is this blog called "Lime in the Coconut"?

yes...all in due time my darlings...

Inspiration Song: "Lime in the Coconut" by Harry Nilsson...and no, I'm not explaining it JUST YET...

Bye Darlings....I'll finish my little travel tale for you very very soon I promise...pinky swear...criss cross applesauce....

Let's Hear it for the Boy

15 years ago God graced me with the most perfect gift ever...my son...

Today he turns 15...and it totally freaks me out.

I am asking myself all the cliche questions...

"Where did the time go?"

"How did he get so big?"

"How do I have a child who can DRIVE?' (learner's permit)

"Why is my toddler now a man?"

I will fully and readily admit (because I have witnesses to this) that...

I DID NOT WANT A BOY

I cried to some friends after my ultrasound that I was so unhappy I was having a boy...I liked girl things and girl stuff and not boy clothes and boy stuff...and...sports...

But I got over it in about a day and decided that my ex be damned (we were married at the time) that my boy was still going to wear sweet clothes and smocked little outfits...

And he did...

I had a fairly easy time with his labor.  Ke$ha Barbie took her own sweet time (it was an indicator of things to come) but he decided he was hungry and wanted out.

He was born at 1:43 in the afternoon...I do remember being slightly perturbed that his arrival was interrupting the end of "The Bold and the Beautiful" and that "As the World Turns" was going to be out of the question.

He was blasted out by a fair amount of Pitocin and a lot of pushing from his mother.

My OB, who is a friend of mine, spent the entire delivery dissecting the gowns worn by the actresses at the previous night's Oscar ceremony.  We voted Kim Basinger "worst dressed".  I am pretty sure it was the year of Titanic...

She placed him on my stomach and he proceeded to try and drag himself up my body to my breast.

My OB encouraged me to nurse him ...so I did...he was a hungry little baby...(it was an indicator of things to come).

Although I had an easy delivery with him, he was not an easy baby.  His sister was an easy baby...The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) was not...

He only really liked me...

He hated hated hated car rides and that car seat basket thing...

And he had an ear infection every 3 weeks.

He was a miserable baby.

His father was not sure he was entirely fond of him.  I'm not sure I blamed him.

But once we got the ear tubes put in he was a different child...a happy sweet baby boy.

The screaming in the car was unnerving.  The only thing that seemed to calm him was for his sister to sing "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks to him.  I'm not kidding...

My mother bought him a new car seat and that seemed to help.  I think it was the angle that the other one sat him in...with all of the ear infections I think it put pressure on his ears...

One night I had a meeting and Ke$ha Barbie and TCBITW were under the care of their father.  I think my son was about 3-5 months old.

My ex was giving them a bath together.  He LEFT THE SIDE OF THE TUB TO GO AND ANSWER THE PHONE.

When he came back my son had slipped under the water...he was laying face up with 5 inches of water over him and Ke$ha Barbie happily splashing away (she was 5...and she swears that even though at that time she considered him to be her mortal enemy she did not wish him to drown).

His father scooped him up (he was under about 10 seconds maybe) and he was fine.

I still remind my ex of that at times...but only in a joking way...it would be hurtful to do so otherwise.

My ex had planned to keep it quiet...along with my mother as she was who was on the phone...but Ke$ha Barbie informed me of it the second I got home.

I got over it...and I got over the clothes stuff and the sports stuff too...

I love watching my son participate in any sport...I am sad he is no longer playing lacrosse because I really love watching it...and I have found my love for wrestling and I tolerate football (but if he gets another concussion he is DONE).

I could blog endlessly about how amazing and awesome I think my son (and daughter) are but who wants to read that?

I will tell you that he is smart, he is wise, he is handsome, he is funny, he is charming, and he is a total and complete nerd and I am just fine with it.

The only thing about him I would change is his addiction to Xbox...and maybe the way he enjoys passing gas in my car...

The Xbox thing is unnerving at times...he plays with a headset on and says the craziest things out loud...it's like he has Tourette's or something...

I think my favorite thing he ever said was:

"Don't kiss me, Mom! I'm trying to assassinate people here!"

I hope this is not an indication of things to come....

When he was little he had a thing about sleeves...and he still does...he can't stand to have long sleeves on.  When he was a toddler he would wave his arms around and say "I don't "wike" weeves" (I don't like sleeves).

He could most often be found with only one shoe on.  Or just one sock.  I have an awesome picture of that from my friend DivineDana.  Our sons were the best of friends and I have some truly amazing photos thanks to her photography skills.  Awesome pictures that will make excellent blackmail through the years.  My son loved and still loves her, her son, and her husband...and I am pretty sure he thinks that their daughter is gorgeous but he won't admit it because "ewww gross that is my friend's SISTER!"

His sister tortured him endlessly.  She used to claim he completely ruined his life.

I am happy to say they love each other now but for a while there I was pretty sure one of them was going to kill the other.

I'm not so sure she still isn't trying to kill him because she informed me she bought him (dead) grenades for his birthday at some Army/Navy surplus store.  She keeps assuring me they are harmless...and I am pretty sure he will love them.

Right now he wants an assault rifle more than anything in this world.  I think he has earned the undying love of my friend RoyBoy for that one...I told him that the only gun I was planning to purchase was a small handgun painted "Tiffany Blue"...that is much more me than an assault rifle...

He's not perfect but he comes close.

When I look at him I am filled with joy...it's like he's a Disney Movie or something...

he walks into a room and woodland creatures begin to come out, music plays, rainbows and flowers bloom, and the sun shines...

all because he walked into the room...

Every.Single.Time.

He has the most beautiful blue eyes.

He has one dimple (just like me)...I say it is where the angels kissed him before sending him down to me.

He hates vegetables (even though I craved only veggies when I was pregnant...maybe that was an indicator of things to come?)

He has blonde hair that gets so bleached out during the summer I call him "Q-tip"

He has always had a deep voice...

He's strong as an ox...but sweet and soft and sensitive...

He will make some woman a very lucky wife and he will be a wonderful father...I just pray that is decades or at least many many years away...

God knew what he was doing when he gave me a son...he gave me such a treasure...and I am so lucky to be his mother.

Inspiration Song: "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams...from the "Footloose" soundtrack...you know when Ren teaches Willard how to dance...

Bye Darlings...let's hear it for my boy...he is 15 today...and let's hear it for all the boys (and girls) that God has blessed us with...

I Enjoy Being a Girl

Don't ask me why but when I was a child I was pretty much obsessed with this song...

The fact that it came from a musical about Chinese Americans and the cultural clash between the generations was lost on me...I just loved the song...

I knew it came from "Flower Drum Song" and I can tell you that without a doubt I have always been and will always be a HUGE Rogers and Hammerstein fan...

I can sing every word to every song in "Cinderella" and "The Sound of Music" and "Oklahoma" and I come pretty close with "South Pacific" and "The King and I".  Notsomuch with "Carousel" and "State Fair" and although I have seen the film version of "Flower Drum Song" this is the only song I know...well, this and "Chop Suey".

I am a big Lerner and Lowe fan too ("Camelot" and "My Fair Lady"...I have always been a musical theater nut...that is why I love and get along so well with GOTT and GOTTESS...

But this song...oh, it spoke to me then and it speaks to me now...

Because I have always enjoyed being a girl...always...

I used to sing this song while playing it on my RECORD PLAYER in my bedroom.  I could pantomime the entire song...and I especially loved the part that says:

"I talk on the telephone for hours with a pound and a half of cream upon my face"...

Here are most of the lyrics...because I am pretty sure that 99.99 % of you are unfamiliar (except for MarvelousMargaret...she can probably sing them all too):

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

I mean, come on...it's like R&H wrote this song about ME!

It is like totally amazeballs...and totally me...

What brought all of this to mind was a little silly thing I did this week...I changed my facebook photo...

Wow...

It's amazing what channeling your inner drag queen can do for a girl...because you see I have learned A LOT about being a girl from drag queens.

I am a huge huge huge fan of "RuPaul's Drag Race" (if you haven't seen it, I beg you to do so...)

Once I went to New Orleans with my beautiful friend Glamazon for a bachelorette party.  We basically kidnapped our friend (who I will refer to as "Bridezilla" to protect her innocence) and threw her on a plane with a blindfold on.

Yes, this was well before 9/11...

We lied to her that she was going to Vegas...ALONE...and that someone would be there to pick her up.

The entire crew of the Southwest flight was in on the ruse...even the other passengers...

We snuck on the plane and midway through the flight attendants told her to remove the blindfold and go to the back of the plane where we were waiting...

I think she might have yelled "BITCHES" all the way down the aisle.

We got to NOLA and proceeded to have a wild and great night in the French Quarter.  We ate at a restaurant called "Lucky Cheng's" that did Asian/Cajun fusion food and all the waitresses were drag queens.  

Me, being a lover of all things gay, wild, and fun...and most especially drag queens (who are NOT all gay by the way...not that it matters anyway)...well, I thought this place was a hoot and a holler...

Our waitress was named "Paloma" and she had the most beautiful makeup I have ever seen. 

She.Was.Gorgeous.

She gave us makeup tips...I still use them...

Once, when I had an insomnia night, I tuned in to some show based on the movie "The Big Easy" and she was playing a waitress...

Paloma...thou art beautiful...

The hostess was a 6 ft. "something" (like bigger than 6 ft) tall black drag queen. She was also gorgeous...as all the waitresses were...but she was truly stunning.

She was wearing an "I dream of Jeannie" wig and satin maribou heels (in pink) that made her even taller.  She also had fabulous makeup.  

And her outfit...

Well, just picture it...

A pink lace dress...with pink satin bra and panties underneath.

Her eyelashes were to die for...

Amazeballs

I had to use the phone...this was in the dark ages before everyone carried a cell phone...so I had to use a real live phone...and I was directed to the hostess stand where the very beautiful angel in pink presided.

I had never left Ke$ha Barbie overnight so it was my first time...I called home to check on her and ended up in tears.

I look over at Black Barbie and she is crying too...

She took my hand and said "come on honey...we are going to the bar!" and proceeded to order me some drink I had to bang on the bar and slam down...

Ah...she was an angel.

We had a great time that night...and it ended at Cafe DuMonde and Glamazon had powdered sugar all over her face from the beignets...and damn she was still stunning...even with powdered sugar...

And she still is...like unbelievably gorgeous...and our girls are now in college but that night with her was one of the best of my life...I guess that is why I remember it so clearly...

So back to me and MY inner drag queen...

Lately I have been experimenting with my hair...I bought some new steam rollers and I've played with my hair with them...and I like them...and they are easy to use...and the leave my hair super soft and curly and pretty...

You might remember them from 20 years ago but they have vastly improved...I use the Caruso Steam Setter...

bought it on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Caruso-C97953-Molecular-Hairsetter-Rollers/dp/B0002JKPB8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363834198&sr=8-1&keywords=caruso+steam+rollers

you might find a better deal than that but it was the first one that popped up...LOVE THEM

So I had my hair curled...

And I just got some new false eyelashes (being a drag queen myself I love me some lashes) and the most beautiful I have ever seen come from Lilly Lashes.  I am a total Bravo junkie and every time I watched "The Shah's of Sunset" I was obsessed with Lilly's eyes...well she has a false eyelash business and they are the bomb...and you can stack them...I just have one pair on in my facebook photo (Shanghai style)...and they have great customer service...

http://lillylashes.com/shop/

Amazeballs

so I took a photo and posted it to facebook...y'all seem to like it...

I saw my wonderful surgeon today...I told her I am her happiest patient...and yes, I enjoy all the "make me a better girl" things that Dr. Bonnie Baldwin did for me...and today I had her do Botox (I am an open book...don't mind telling you I let her fill my forehead with poison in the name of looking better!). 

She.Is.Amazing...

and if you need anything...from Botox to major surgery...she is the one to see...super nice as is her awesome staff...

I am healing up great and I have to say...

(again being a total open book here)

I love my boobs...

since I am a girl who never "had" boobs before...well, I really love mine...because I look totally natural...

I told her that they looked like God gave them to me...but instead he let his goddess (Dr. Baldwin) do it for him...

That's what I love about her...she gave me the body I wish I had been born with and I look natural and not fake or "done".

Amazeballs 

(JayVee loves that "amazeballs" is my new word...)

I even bought a bikini...

Now I will NOT under ANY circumstances post a photo of that here...no way no how...but I will happily wear it in my own back yard or when I go on a girl's trip with GOTTESS in a few weeks.

I have worn bikinis before but I did not look amazeballs in it...not that I do now but I sure as hell look better...

I think the last time I looked good in a bikini I was 5 and Aunt Jane rescued me from a wave in Hawaii...

(please note that there is like a whole STANZA about wearing a bikini in the above mentioned song...)

I do enjoy being a girl...

I love wearing perfume and lace...

My bathroom counter looks like a Sephora store exploded on it...

I love my new figure and the fact I finally have cute breasts...

I love getting flowers...and right now since I don't have a man to give me flowers I buy my own lilies at Whole Foods...

I like putting on makeup and curling my hair and wearing cute clothes...

I.Love.Lingerie. (the prettier the better)

I love high high high heels...

I wear cute workout clothes (but thankfully not the see-thru Lululemon pants)

But I also love taking my cute girly self and getting into my big ass truck...

So some day, when a man is good enough to earn me (and drives his own big ass truck) I hope he appreciates having a girl like me...until then The Cutest Boy in the World is just happy when I shower and take him to dinner...and he's a damn good date...

So enjoy being whatever YOU are...a girly girl...a guy's guy...a not-so-femme woman...whatever you like being...just be the best version of yourself and love yourself as you are...and enjoy being WHO you are...

Be...

AMAZEBALLS

Inspiration Song: "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from "Flower Drum Song"...many versions from Doris Day to Peggy Lee to soundtracks...I enjoy them all...

Bye Darlings...channel your inner drag queen (seriously go watch RuPaul) and enjoy being a girl...or a guy...just enjoy being YOU!