Does Your Mother Know

Happy Mother's Day Darlings!

Happy Mother's day whether you have human kids or fur babies...if you care and feed another life form you are a mom...even if you are a dad (that's for my friends who's families consist of two dads and children...because even if you are a dad, you are a mom...)

My Mother's Day gift to you is a promise to blog more...I need it...I need to exercise the crazy that is in my head the way I exercise my body on the bike and the mat.

So it's Mother's Day (let's shorten it to MD or it will take me all day to type this blog)...and I have one of two children home today and my dear mother is in heaven.  And I have 3 cats one of whom is named Dragon so I like to call myself "Khaleesi, Mother of Dragon" like the Game of Thrones character (she also has long blonde hair and trusts her animals/dragons more than most men just like me).

It's always a bittersweet day for me.

I'm so glad to be a mom.  It's all I have ever wanted to be.

Even when I was a little girl I wanted to be a mom.  When I played with my friends I was always the Mom.  My Barbies were always a mom.

I wanted to have babies and raise them...

And thanks to the generosity of my sweet Lord in heaven I am a mom to two of the most perfect and beautiful souls he has ever created.  They may not be truly perfect but in my eyes they are...and they are without a doubt beautiful.

But today also means I miss my mom...I miss her terribly...I miss her to the point of tears most of the day.

In a perfect world, where my mom was still alive, today would have gone like this:
I sleep late completely undisturbed until about 10 or so
My son cooks me breakfast and we enjoy it together
We meet my mom for lunch and take her somewhere she enjoys
We spend the rest of the day here at my house so my son can study and my Mom is with me
My daughter calls and we have a good chat
I cook dinner for my mother and we all watch Game of Thrones together
I step out of the room and she reorganizes my cabinets (she was fast) 
And my mom and I spend the day in awe of my kids and I once again have my best friend with me

Instead it has gone like this:
I got woken up by texts at 6:30 am, 7:10 am, 7:41 am , and 7:52 am...yeah...on the one day I get to sleep in 
I am still battling a terrible sinus infection so not only did I wake up well before planned but I woke up hacking and sniffling and cranky...
My son cooked me breakfast and served it to me at 10:30 (it was wonderful)
I made TCBITW (The cutest boy in the world...my son) lunch
I made bolognese sauce and the TCBITW ate 2.5 bowls of it
I took a nap (now I am less cranky)
I had a great phone chat with my daughter
I've cried off and on all day missing mom

So not a bad MD but not a great one either.

It's just one of those days that hasn't gone right in the 11 years since I lost my mom.

She taught me so much---
how to cook
how to dress
how to be a lady
to love the theater
to love movies
to go to a plastic surgeon for Botox
to be exactly who I am

ok so maybe the last two are in conflict with each other but whatever...

The only time she ever tried to really change me was, well, two things---
1) she tried to make me stay with the ex when she should have helped me leave him
and
2) she made me have some really bad haircuts

I can forgive her the first because she knew how hard it was firsthand to raise kids as a single parent.

As for the second....well, when we are reunited in Heaven she will still need to make up for the "Carol Brady" shag she forced on me and the "Dorothy Hammil" she swore would look amazing (ugh no it was literally the ugliest thing ever and the only thing that could have been worse would be "The Tootie" from Facts of Life).

Other than that my mom encouraged me to be myself...

She was my role model in so many ways---and as I age I try to do the things she did at my age so that I can age as beautifully and gracefully as she did.  I exercise, I drink water,  I spend time with my friends and I get botox...things she did.  I try my best to take care of myself. (just kidding about the Botox taking care of me...but hey it helps and I am an open book about it...)

I do the Botox because it makes me feel better and I had a tummy tuck and boob job to try and recover my body from damage.  But as for my face I'm not into plastic surgery...my mom did too much to her face...she jumped the shark on that a bit. One of the last times I saw her without makeup before she died I kept looking at her and wondering when my mom had gotten replaced by Joan Rivers.

Not kidding.

Too much
Too much

I almost called her Joan...

My mom was a beauty but one thing I learned from her and her obsession with plastic surgery and her looks was that beauty comes from the inside and if you aren't happy with yourself on the inside nothing you do on the outside will fix it.

I loved my mom with every cell in my body...I just wish she had known how truly beautiful she was.  I told her every day but somehow she didn't believe it.  She believed her worth was tied to her beauty and having a man to flatter her.  I'm glad that I am not a woman who needs that.  I do not need men posting on my social media pages that I am pretty or special---I'm waiting on that to come from just one special man who deserves me as the woman I am.  I do not need flattery---I need real love and not thinly veiled sexual innuendoes or excessive flattery.  I know women who need that, and my mom was one of them, but that's not me.  And in my mom's case it wasn't that she needed many men, she just thought she always needed a boyfriend...and funny thing when she had one she often regretted it.

My mom was a paradox...she was beautiful but thought it needed to be fixed or changed.  She wanted a boyfriend but then she liked being alone and living life as she liked.  She could look like a model for a Ralph Lauren ad but also often went out looking like an ad for Walmart.

But despite all the crazy, I miss her...

My son will graduate in less than 2 weeks and I dearly wish she was going to be next to me in the stadium to see him in his graduation gown and wearing the same mortarboard his sister wore 4 years ago.  She wanted my kids to attend the high school they attend/attended and I know she would have cried to see them both get those diplomas.  And she would be even more proud of them going to college because she never went.

And I think that she would be very proud of the mother I have become.

I'm not just mom to my own kids and fur babies...I've managed to become mom to many...

At work I have so many students that I love so very much.  One of my favorite student's mom told me recently "you just love them so much and it shows!  You may have given birth to 2 kids but your heart has many many more kids!".

That is a description I will take on my tombstone.

I love them fiercely and I cry with joy when they return to school and I love hearing from them through social media or emails or texts.  Today I had several reach out to me that way and my heart is bursting with love for each and every one of them.

I also get called "Mama Bear" at Revolution Studio where I work out.  My friend DarlingDeanna and I are Mama Jones and Mama Bear respectively.  We tend to helicopter over all our friends there and just love them to pieces.  It's a title I hold dearly and love that they bestowed it on me...

For my birthday this year my sweet friends SexySonia and JessTheBest gave me a sweatshirt that says "Mama Bear" and I dearly love it...and I love them for knowing it was the perfect thing.

I love to "mother" my friend's kids too.  One of my besties, KuteKaren, has a daughter that I am especially close to---she often calls to ask me for help on things and her mother often texts "call her" and just now I received the sweetest text from one of my other bestie's (TwirlerGirl) daughter and it made me cry...and believe it or not I loved every second of prom dress shopping with MarvelousMaggie's daughter...

loving the children of your friends is such a treat...and a privilege...

I'm glad I am the kind of woman that other's will turn to as a mom...it's the greatest compliment I get...

I learned how to be a mom from my mom...and how not to be a step-mom from my step-mother.  I won't go into her right now...too much dark there for this day but suffice it to say that should I ever be blessed to be a stepmother I want to be one that the children love and that their real mom loves me for loving them.

You don't have to give birth to a child to be it's mother...you just have to have the love in your heart for the child (or fur baby!) to do so.

Being a mom is not about DNA or giving birth...

Some of us are moms because we gave birth to our kids...some of us are moms because we adopted our kids...some of us are moms because we are two dads...some of us are moms because we love a child deeply in our hearts...and some of us are moms because a fur baby earned our love...

however you are or became a mom is not important...what is important is that other humans and animals know that they are loved and cared for by you.

So Happy Mother's Day to all of you...

I hope if you have children you got to spend time with them and show them how very loved they are and if you have a mom who is living I hope you got to see her and told her how beautiful and loved she is.  If my mom was alive I would let nothing keep me from being with her today.  I miss MD with her and my heart aches for my friends who have lost their mothers this year and are having to feel the bittersweet feeling of enjoying being a mom and missing your own.

I know this blog wasn't fun or amusing but it sure helped me get out my feelings of missing Debbie.  I wish she was hear to see my costumes and the kids perform in them (she died before I started doing it).  I wish she could read my magazine articles.  I wish she could see my daughter's art and got to watch my son wrestle and play football. I wish she could see how beautiful and smart they are and how talented they are and how God gave me kids far beyond what I deserve...

I am a mother.

It is the only title or job I want.

Except for grandmother...but I think I want to wait a while on that one...

Inspiration Song: "Does Your Mother Know" by Abba.  Because I hope your mother DOES KNOW how much she is loved and appreciated.  And if you have some issue between her and are reading this I hope you will contact her right now and tell her you love her.  Trust me as someone who does not have the luxury of having a mom around you will regret it if you don't treasure what time you have left together.

Bye darlings...Happy Mother's Day...may you be a light and love to all...it's what I aspire to every day...

Miss Independent

Hello Darlings...

Sorry I have been away so long...I had to do my job and make children singing in a musical look amazing...and I think I did that but the best part was that they were a-may-zing!!!!!

So today is my "other" birthday...I am 5 years old.

So what do I mean by that?

Well it's really more of an anniversary but considering what it is an anniversary of I feel kind of bad calling it an "anniversary".

Because it is the 5th anniversary of the day I got up the courage to leave my husband...and became the "me" I always wanted to be...

so I call it my "birthday" instead of "anniversary" because it seems wrong to have an anniversary for an end of a marriage.

and because on February 27, 2011 I was born...

I want to be clear that my ex:
never hit me or our kids
never cheated on me (that I know of)
was not always nice to me (but I wasn't always nice to him) but not emotionally abusive


He was:
a lazy slug a lot
not emotionally supportive
wasn't romantic or terribly loving
and often made me feel stupid

He's a nice man and a pretty good dad...not great but good...but I'm not a perfect woman or mom either.

We both were at fault for the problems in our marriage and I don't put more blame on one or the other of us.  We fell out of love and frankly we were never well suited to begin with.

My sweet aunt will say "you were so in love and so happy"...but she loves everyone and she loves to be super supportive.  The truth is I convinced myself I loved him because I didn't know what to do with myself so getting married seemed to be the answer.

I wanted to be a mom and wife.
He asked.
We got married.

I realized early on that maybe it was a mistake but I am not a quitter.

I got pregnant.
I lost the baby (ectopic pregnancy)
I got pregnant
I lost the baby

After that I was so emotionally beaten down by the losses that I clung to him.

I gained and lost a lot of weight throughout it...

I did finally get pregnant again and it stuck.  And I was blessed with the greatest joy and love of my life---my daughter.

For a few years I hardly noticed my marriage because I was so focused on being the best mom ever.

Then things got rocky
and I got pregnant

And then I was blessed with the other love of my life---my son

And for a few years all I cared about was that I had these two incredible kids and that was enough...

and they got bigger
and so did the marriage issues

and I tried to leave him
and everyone told me I shouldn't
and we went to counseling
and I stayed

I stayed because my kids were young and because I had no idea how to leave...I just knew I wanted out

we tried
it lasted 6 months
but we tried

I bit my tongue
we fought
I got fat

and then my mom died
my world ended
I became a shell of myself
I couldn't breathe or move

so I clung to him again to fight the pain...

and in the midst of the pain I found something I love doing because I stumbled into designing costumes for the middle school musical...and a glimmer started....

but my marriage was a misery and we fought and I ate my feelings

I literally ate my feelings

and I ballooned up to over 300 lbs

and then one day I found out I didn't want to die
I didn't want to be fat
I didn't want to be miserable

and I put down the fat stuff and went to the gym

I huffed and puffed through my first workout which was an hour on the elliptical

I didn't die so I went back.

And over the course of a year I lost about 140 lbs and re-newed my love for exercise and most especially spinning.

I hired a trainer.
I went to bootcamp.
I worked out every day.

I ate right and passed up the chips and fries.

And then one day I went to a 50th wedding anniversary celebration.  I saw the happy couple and they looked so in love.  I saw her look at him with a love that I KNEW I had never had for my husband.  I have a photo of her face.  She's a woman I love with all my heart and I know her well enough to know that look of love for her husband was real.  She's GOTT's mom.

And then I looked at GOTT and GOTTESS and saw the love they have.  And the next day I told GOTT I was going to leave my husband.  GOTT is the closest thing I have to a soulmate that is not my lover and he literally is the only human I could be locked in an elevator with.  He knows all my secrets and my crimes.  He knows me better than I know myself.  He believes in me when I don't.  He's sorta my younger twin brother.  And GOTTESS is my wind in my sails---she keeps me moving forward.  Telling GOTT was not a crime because I needed to have the support.  When I said "I want what you have and I deserve it" he said "yes you do".

That's why he's my best friend soulmate.

I had been practicing for months what to say...trying to get the courage to do it.  But at that party I knew what I had to do.

So I told GOTT on a Monday and spent the week trying to figure out how to tell my kids and husband that we were no longer going to be married.

On Saturday night we went to dinner and I looked across the table and was so miserable to see him across from me I knew it couldn't go on.

So on Sunday afternoon February 27, 2011 I was sitting in the couch of the study and he was at his desk and I told him:

I WANT A DIVORCE

and he said he did too

The rest I will keep private...

But I did tell our kids we were always going to be a family....just not a married family

And on February 27 I was born...

I was free

He moved out April 1 and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne and moving my clothes into his part of the closet.

It took a year to get the divorce final but it was worth it.

And every day since I have been:
happier
freer
more loving
more myself

Today my beautiful friend MarvelousMadonna told me it takes massive amounts of courage to choose the life we want...

I agree

and I love her for seeing that in me...

(and yes she is a yoga teacher so it was super special)

my children are happier
they see that love isn't about fighting
they see happy parents

I go to bed each night alone
in my own bed
in my own home

and it's good

Do I wish I had someone in my life

HELL YES

but I want to wait for the RIGHT person and not just someone I convince myself is worth being with because I've been there, done that and have the kids to prove it...

I need someone who lets me be me
who loves me as I am
who doesn't want to change me
who thinks I am smart and pretty and fun
that wants to be with me

I've never regretted leaving him
NEVER

I only regret I didn't do it sooner

So happy 5th birthday to me...
happy
healthy
the real me

I don't need a man in my life but I want one...to share myself with

but only if he brings out the best in me....

So my sweet readers this is why today is my 5th birthday!

I'm going to go cook my son a delicious meal and have a little champagne

I deserve it

Even if I am only 5 years old...

Inspiration Song: "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson.  Because I am independent and my whole adult life until 5 years ago I was totally dependent on someone else.  But now I am only dependent on me...

Bye Darlings...I'm gonna push "publish" on this without even re-reading it because tonight I want to be raw...truthful...unedited...

JUST LIKE I AM IN REAL LIFE

I love you all...
thanks for taking this ride with me

Let's Get Physical

Hello Darlings...

I am in show hell...

so when I am in a panic over show hell I...blog...

because I need to up my creativity and right now the well is about to run dry!

I'm not going to whine about the show right now...if I do I will start crying and panicking all over again and since I literally have to do about 200 or more costumes for this show my anxiety is at an all time high.

So I do two things to bring the anxiety down (three if you include wine...four if you include vodka but frankly did I have to mention them at all because they are pretty much a given ...)

so besides wine and vodka...or whisky...or...whatever...

I cope with stress by:

1) writing a blog

and

2) exercising

I used to eat...like if I was in my old ways right now I would totally be making a chicken fried steak and gravy for dinner instead of chicken and rice.

And tomorrow would be be brought to you by the letters "P" (for panic) and "W" (for Whataburger).

I would have spent all my stressed out time eating terrible snacks, picking up fast food, indulging in whatever I wanted because I was stressed and workouts would never happen.

Instead I am trying to plan out what kind of healthy things I can eat this week while working my bootie off and how I can fit in my workouts.

I even had a little cry in front of the computer when I looked at the schedule for the following week at the spin/yoga studio and realized I will not have many chances to work out and will not get to ride with my beloved Marvelous Mel maybe at all. And that squeezing in yoga was going to be a challenge.

tears

the struggle is real people...

yoga is why I don't throw scissors at people...

Well to be truthful I don't throw scissors at people because that would be terrible (and dangerous!) but in my mind sometimes they want to sail...if I do yoga even the fantasy of throwing scissors doesn't happen.

I've let myself slip into some old bad eating habits in the last year...I made a lot of poor choices at times and there was more than one or two or 50 "whatthehell" moments.  More fried crept into my diet and more often than not I said "yes" to a Whataburger with cheese and mayo with a large side of fries.

(But if you get the Whata Junior you save over 200 calories in carbs and get almost exactly the same protein, get less grams of fat and the carbs are cut in half...order that...that's what I do when I am paying attention to my diet...this public service announcement is brought to you by Anice the Whata Addict)

I am proof that you can't exercise away a bad diet...I exercise almost every day...and not just a little dainty exercising but heart pounding sweaty 475-575 calories in 45 minutes spin classes.  Powerful hard stuff.  Stuff that makes me want to clip out of the bike and scream "to hell with you" about 20 minutes in and then by the last minute of class I am already looking forward to my next ride.

And in May I added yoga in to the mix and every class is a soul filling dance with myself that is always in the fat-burning zone for my heart rate and often is into cardio heart rate as well.  I can wax poetic about it for the next hour or you can just go read my last blog called "Yoga".

Go do that...

it's pretty good...

I remember exercise in the 80's...it was all about Jane Fonda and aerobics and bench classes and thong leotards...

Let me refresh your memory with a little video from Eric Prydz that just might sear your corneas (and might not be safe for work) and is definitely Rated "R" but pretty much sums up exactly what we did in the early 80's and 90's for workouts...

You know what the best part of that video is....

WE ACTUALLY PRETTY MUCH LOOKED AND MOVED LIKE THAT

I was in my 20's...I could get away with it...

sort of...

not really...

but I totally thought I was Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie "Perfect"...

what's that you say?

You don't know what I am talking about?

Ah....let me show you that once upon a time she was more than a Scream Queen or a Disney Mom...

she had the most amazing body and I would have pretty much given up everything but my ability to speak to have it.

Have a look...

you might need some alcohol after this if you ever participated in one of these types of classes:

Do you hate me now for the reminder of what we did to ourselves?  Or maybe you are a young one and I am now showing you for the first time what true hell was...

and we did it in thong leotards mind you...

and if you really want to lose your mind...look up Jane Fonda Workout...

and you will hate her because she is even more beautiful now than back then...

We got physical in the most stupid and amazing ways back then.

Lifting weights, jogging, running, walking, cardio dance classes, weight/cardio workouts, pilates, yoga and spinning are classics that will always be part of a gym or fitness program and continue to evolve over the years.  Add Les Mills classes, CrossFit, barre classes and all sorts of fusion classes to the mix and you have a world of options to chose from and not one of them requires leg warmers and a thong leotard.

Thank.You.Jesus.

Spinning has evolved over the years so if you haven't tried it lately you might want to hop back up on the bike.  You no longer sit there and pedal.  There is choreography and weights involved and many studios and instructors deliver soul lifting messages that give your heart a double workout.

Some studios even offered themed rides with special music.  Thank goodness mine has "Hip Hop Happy Hour" because if it was "Country Ride" I would never go back.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert belong in a country bar or the Rodeo but not spin class (but apparently don't belong together at all...yes, you can hear the little "buh dum bump" rim shot sound effect here with that little joke...)

We all know I hate country music...and the only thing worse to me than having to listen to country music in a bar or the car would be to have to spin to it.

That is #8 on my list of "this is the definition of hell"...country music in spin class...

But hey if you like country and there is a place that offers it and it gets you riding or running...go for it...just don't look for me on the bike next to you...I will take hip hop and electronic music and remixes any day over something you could line dance to.

Pinterest is full of "30 minute ab blasts" and "10 minute fat blast" workouts...all kinds...and if you don't like the gym there really are some very good workouts to be found there.  Just don't get caught up in "50 ways to make pallets into furniture" or any of the 8000 pins on turning cauliflower into pizza crust or alfredo sauce (which I hear can be quite good but don't have the patience for).

Pinterest can be the best or worst time waster in the world...but it can also be a good way to find a workout.

There are also web sources like "Yogis Anonymous" that offer online yoga classes if you can't get to one or find a studio to your liking.  My friend Super SuSu swears by it and has been taking online classes from them when she can't make it to the studio for a while now.  She's a pretty finicky yogi so I'm about 99.99% sure its an awesome website.

For me I like a crowd to keep me going.  At Revolution Studio we refer to the group of riders as the pack and like a pack we move as one and stick together.  I love the energy I get from the riders surrounding me and from having the instructor come up and personally turn my resistance up or look me in the eye and give me a shoutout or a little nudge...or just come and touch my hand to let me know she noticed that I was working my ass off...

Today I forced JayVee into taking yoga with me.  Yes JayVee who is the queen of all things group exercise (it's her job peeps) and instructor extraordinaire had not really ever experienced a yoga class....

until today...when I made her...and Darling Dani (who even TEACHES YOGA AT THE FITNESS CENTER JAYVEE IS GROUP EXERCISE MANAGER AT) also made her do it...

and...

SHE TOTALLY LOVED IT PEOPLE...

She flowed right along with us with Super SuSu at her side (Super SuSu should be a yoga instructor herself) and I was so happy I could have danced if I had not been flowing...

Because even someone who has been in the business for enough years to have worn leg warmers for real can learn to love and experience something new (and for the record she is constantly upping her game with classes she just hadn't found the time for the mat).

I felt a huge victory because I knew she would find something in yoga that would make her heart sing...and areas in her body she could work  on the mat that she wasn't getting elsewhere)

My friend Marvelous Maggie found a love for martial arts and lost a ton of weight and turned into a real hottie who is fit and pretty...(she was always pretty...always)...she loves rolling around on the mat in a Gi having strangers hold her down in the most painful ways.  She has the bruises to prove it.  I think she is nuts but she loves it and I totally support her in it.

You gotta do what you love people...

But you also have to try stuff to learn if you like it or not.

For some going to the gym and picking up the weights or running on the treadmill is all their body and soul needs...and for others a group class is where it is at.

I love group exercise classes because I love interacting with people and knowing I am not alone in my pain.  I like knowing that the person next to me is struggling to stay on one foot or working as hard as I am to hold up those 3 lb weights.

But here's a bonus to those classes that you may not have thought of or experienced...

you might...

just maybe...

meet some new friends...

I did

And I love them

They are my "squad"...my peeps...my crazy family of lovely beautiful humans.  We can best Taylor Swifts squad of supermodels and actresses any day because one thing I know about my squad: WE TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER

We are a motley crew (and yes I almost spelled it Motely Crue) of people: some of us are moms, some are single, some are dating, some are gay, some of us have kids, some are old like me (well actually it's just me that's old) and some are fresh little pups.

Two of the squad had the nerve to move away because they got fabulous job opportunities in Singapore and...Minneapolis?  Yes, one moved to Minnesota and the other to Singapore and I pretty much miss them so much I'm crying right now...

SexySonia and JessTheBest I love you....and I hate you for leaving but I love you...

You see, if you turn to the person next to you in class you might end up with a friend...or a boyfriend...or someone to go on a cruise with (all have happened) or someone to run a marathon with or someone to keep a running chat on FB with (also happens daily) or someone who you tell every time you see her "You changed my life and I love you" (KuteKim I'm looking at you).

You might find out that the beautiful lady next to you also misses her kids and cries when you cry in Savassanah when the instructor plays "Landslide" because you miss your kids too and when you tell her how your heart hurts she says "I get it"...(DreamyDeanna....no words can express that love i have for you my soul sister).

You might end up going to a play with someone and wanting her mom to adopt you (HotTamale Super Sandra) or you have a girl who acts like a tough nut but you know she is goo inside and you love her (Super SuSu).  Or you end up with extra sons and daughters or brothers and sisters...

You show up to support each other in class and outside of class...you never know but maybe that person doing Body Pump next to you might just be your new best friend...

So open your heart to fitness but also open your heart to new people in your life...

I work hard at my classes and now it's time to clean my diet up more...I know what to do...I've been there before...it's like a yoga flow...I've been through it once and now I do it with my own breath and know where to move next because I have the map...

I've got the love and support of my squad and friends and I can do anything when my heart is filled with love...

And if I can inspire just one of you to get out there and find something that makes you move that you love doing then I will be the happiest girl alive...because I may not be inspirational but I do love to inspire...

Stretch...grow...breathe...move...

Do what makes you sweat....do what makes you feel strong and powerful...do what makes you feel like a badass

and be grateful you don't have to do it in a thong and leg warmers...

Inspiration Song: The ultimate double entendre song: "Let's Get Physical" by Olivia Newton John.

Bye Darlings---go get Physical!  And just in case you forgot, here's the video:

Now go and move...

Yoga

Hello Darlings!

Yesterday I took my 100th yoga class at my spin studio....I've only been doing yoga since early May so for me that's a lot of yoga...this blog is for all of the beautiful yogis in my life...


Oh no...

you saw the title...and yes there is a song called "Yoga"...more on that later...

and now you are thinking...

here she goes...

she has become THAT girl...

she is a yoga girl...

all dressed up in her Lululemon gear carrying a mat and a water bottle...

well...

sorta...

I didn't have a mat until last week when my sweet precious daughter of my heart Marvelous Mel gifted me with the most beautiful pink Lululemon yoga mat...it's so cute it hurts and it matches my pink spin shoes perfectly.

And I wear some Lucy gear in addition to my Lulu so I am not 100% a Lulu girl...

But I want to tell you a little more about me and the yoga...

Believe it or not the relationship is REAL...I've been doing it now since May of 2015 and I have no intention on breaking up with it...

If Facebook let me have "in a relationship with spinning and yoga" as a status I totally would...

you all know how I love spinning...it's my favorite way to wish death upon myself...but it also is more fun than I can describe and I feel like a total badass when I am in class...

But the yoga thing is a new love affair...and lucky for me the spin studio has yogo so I don't feel like  I am cheating on my old boyfriend with my new boyfriend...I just walk out of the spin room and take off my shoes and off to yoga I go...

But I thought I would let you in on what yoga is like for me...what random thoughts go through my head as I twist and pose and want to die. 

This is what goes through my head in spin class...please note I am calling the instructor "she" but it could just as easily be "he" and yes this is exactly what I am thinking during class:

OH GOD WHY AM I HERE AND UGH I DID NOT GET MY FAVORITE BIKE BUT I WILL JUST BE HAPPY I HAVE A BIKE AND GOOD LORD HERE WE GO AND WHY IS THIS FIRST SONG SO DAMN FAST AND I CAN'T KEEP UP AND THE WHOLE ROW BEHIND ME IS OFF BEAT AND SO IS THE CHICK TO MY RIGHT AND I NEED WATER AND THANK GOD THAT IS BETTER WHY WON'T SHE LET US SIT DOWN I AM DYING AND THEY ARE ALL STILL OFF BEAT AND CRAP NOW SHE IS MAKING US DO LEFT LEAD AND I CAN'T DO LEFT LEAD AND NOW TAPBACKS OH HELL TO THE NO TO THE LEFT LEAD TAP BACKS THANK GOD WE GOT TO SIT BUT OH NO WE ARE BACK UP AND SPRINTING AND I AM DYING AND I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR ARMS AND THESE 3 LB WEIGHTS FEEL LIKE 30 LBS AND HOW DOES THAT TINY GIRL NEXT TO ME DO IT WITH 3 LBS WEIGHTS AND NOW I AM CRYING BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTOR IS TOUCHING MY HEART WITH HER AMAZING MESSAGE OF BELIEVING IN MYSELF AND I NEEDED THAT TODAY AND I AM STILL CRYING AND NOW ITS THE LAST SONG AND WE ARE SPRINTING AND THANK GOD WE ARE DONE AND I DIDN'T DIE TODAY IN SPIN AND I LOVE THE INSTRUCTOR AND I LOVE THESE CLASSES AND I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW...

yes...that is me...each and every time...

I don't cry every time but sometimes during weights I want to...

and there have been a few times I wanted to throw those weights at the tiny human who is making us lift those weights as we pedal but then he/she smiles at me and I realize I don't want to hurt that pretty face and it's not his/her fault I am a weak old woman...

Yoga goes a little differently...there is a running conversation in my head but even though I am trying to focus on breathing my ADD gets in the way...

yoga is hard people...but it is even harder for ADD people...and Slow Flow yoga is almost unbearable because you have to hold the poses...

for like...

forever....

So me and yoga started out our relationship rather rockily.  The first two times I attempted yoga was at my old workout place.  I loved the sweet instructor to pieces but it was more mat pilates than yoga and the music was Enya and I was bored out of my mind.  I left both times midway through class.  So date #1 and date #2 were a total bust.  If yoga had been man there would not have been any more dates.

Date #3 with yoga...a workshop.  It wasn't a yoga workshop per se but yoga and a goal setting workshop.  My friend Anna Banana was teaching.  I love her so I thought "what the heck" and went.

I knew nothing.

If you are a Game of Thrones fan then just picture me as being Jon Snow and KNOWING NOTHING...

I sorta knew what downward dog was and that was about it.  But Beautiful Bhavin was there to help adjust us and I had KuteKara right behind me.  And there was this incredible woman next to me who was giving off so much great energy that it was contagious.  She's my Scottish Lassie I shall refer to as Jackie the Lionhearted.  Or how about just Jax...that'll do...And on the other side of my was AmazingAryani and she was flowing along beautifully and I kept looking at her to see what to do next...because I had no idea what any of the poses were other than down dog and warrior...

and I didn't realize there is more than one warrior...

Anyway they were flowing right along and I just followed...

and an hour passed and suddenly we were lying on the floor flat on our backs and I realized I didn't hate yoga....I had just been with the wrong yoga...

It's like my ex and me...he's a great guy but the wrong guy...I had tried the wrong yoga and THIS THIS THIS was the right stuff.  I wanted to date THIS yoga...not the other ones....THIS was the yoga match for me...

So I told my friend Magic Mike about it and he shared with me that he was studying to be a yoga instructor.  I promised to be at his first class.

what was I thinking?

I mean seriously WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I was committing myself to doing yoga again...what if that last time was just a freaky accident?

And then lo and behold the spin studio added a yoga studio and Magic Mike became an instructor and his first class was upon me.

So I took myself up to the studio and laid out a mat they loaned me.  The room is gently warmed by infra red heaters that send heat to your body but don't feel like Houston in August because it's not a hot wet heat...it's gentle...

So I sat down on the mat in that gently warmed room...

and...

I fell in love...

deeply and profoundly in love...

I cried when it was over...cried with pride for Magic Mike and cried with the knowledge I had found something I loved.

I wish I could find a man to love as easily as I found and fell in love with yoga.  It was a total accident...I wasn't looking to do it or up my fitness stuff but suddenly there it was and I loved the hell out of it.

So now that I have filled you in on all the boring background of how I found yoga and fell in love let me tell you how it is for me to DO yoga...

Trust me if I could sell seats to watch I would because I am sure it is hilarious to watch...like maybe I should be an example of how NOT to do yoga.

This is what I think I look like in yoga:

"I'm Sally O'Malley and I'm 50 years old!!!!!!" (that's what the video above is...)

Except that I am 51...

and yes, I am always pulling up my pants...

So here is me and yoga...for reals y'all.  What you read in italics are the thoughts that are racing through my head...

Class starts and we are quietly trying to focus our intention...

and my ADD gets raring to go...

and we are focusing on breath and setting intentions

and...

and then sure enough I suddenly feel the bobby pin in the back of my head that hasn't bothered me once in the last hour and a half but suddenly it is all consuming to move the bobby pin

Move the bobby pin!

Move the bobby pin!

no I'm setting an intention

move the bobby pin!

so I move the bobby pin

and I am back to the breathing and the intention

oh crap what's my intention...breath that's a good one...no maybe strength is better...is it a better intention? can you have a better intention?  which is better---breath or strength? Or maybe stretch?  Or maybe love...yes, love....oh crap we have moved on...

and suddenly we are in table top and doing the cat/cow things with our bellies and backs...

I feel like a combination of my heifer Henrietta and my cat Dragon...but sadly I am more heifer than sleek cat....

this is nice...focusing on breath...yes, that's my intention...breath....breathe in and breath out and breath in and breathe out and...

can we just stay here for a bit?

But now we move on and start our flow...

and we go into downward dog...where you put your hands and feet on the mat and basically make a triangle out of yourself

ahhhhhh.....that feels good...stretching the arms and back and oh this is nice

and why the hell are my thighs so huge

don't look at your thighs Anice look at your feet

damn I need a pedicure

and then we start our sun salutations and we move to the front of the mat and do forward folds and half lifts

and damn I really do need a pedicure

and now we reach up to mountain pose (basically just standing straight with hands over head) and everything hurts as I reach up and then we flow back down to forward fold

and damn I really do need a pedicure

and back up again and it all stops hurting and back down again and now we do our vinyasa flow where we get in plank and lower down and then arch back up in up dog...

except I have tennis elbow and it hurts so I just sort of play along with it and go straight back into downward dog where I look at my thighs and ankles again and swear no enchiladas for 6 months

then we start really flowing and we are lifting legs and doing lunges and I am very very grateful for the blocks

what are the blocks and why are they good?

well....

the blocks are hard foam bricks that you can use to help you reach the ground when you are old and stiff like me...think of them as extensions to your arms...

and since I have arms like a T-rex I need the extra length...not that my legs are supermodel long...

it's just that my arms are extra short...

So lunges and twists and poses happen and all the while I am thinking:

why does this hurt? because I am old...

why is this so hard? because I am old...

why am I sweating so much?  because I am fat...

and damn I need a pedicure

but as we are flowing other thoughts creep into my head:

I can do this!  I can do this!

wow that was pretty good I pretty much nailed that pose

yay I held that one second longer than yesterday 

I feel strong, powerful, and beautiful

ok so that last one is me being a cheerleader to myself but hey everyone needs a cheerleader...

then we sometimes go into these balancing poses...where you have to stand on one foot...

ok so all you young people please know that I am going to pat you on your little heads right now because you are siting there thinking "what?  standing on one foot is NO BIG DEAL!"  and as you read this you will probably check yourself and stand up and stand on one foot and place the other on your standing leg so you are like a tree and you are all smug thinking it's easy...

and for all you 50 year old and older peeps who just stood up and tried to do it and fell over...

YOU GET IT!!!!

because the older we get the more we lose our balance

if we didn't the "Help me I have fallen and I can't get up" ads on tv would not be so successful...

because when you age, you lose balance...

and so for me hitting the balancing poses is a struggle...

I fall

I fall

I fall

I fall

but I get right back up and do it again...

and all of that has paid of because I am getting better at it...practice makes it better and GoodGollyMissMolly and I had a class once where it was just her (the instructor) and me so we worked on the stuff I don't do well...

practice pays off

focus pays off

working through what you are bad at pays off

today I even stood on one leg and lifted the other up in my hand like I was some sort of jazz dancer and held that pose...

for a solid 3 seconds!

(It's the little things people...the little things..)

So I stand on one foot

and I fall over

and I stand up again on one foot

and I fall over

somewhere in there I do manage to sorta kinda maybe a little bit stay balanced but I'm far from the days when I could stand one one foot forever with the other leg held high or posed on my thigh...

and this is the dialogue in my head as I do balancing poses:

ok the wall is next to me so I am ok so lets do this and stand on one leg and now pick that foot up!  Pick that foot up!  You can do it---PICK YOUR DAMN FOOT UP!  Oh hell now I have fallen over so why the heck did I pick my damn foot up?

It goes on like that for some time...every time...

And then sometimes we do these stretches and the splits.

Yes I said the splits

I did one of my first yoga classes with my friend Sweet Sandra who I refer to as "Hot Tamale"...we were flowing along and splits time came and bam!  Boom!  that girl hit the splits like a high school cheerleader!  I was so impressed I almost hit the floor.  She did it on both legs.  And she stands there all cute and smiling after and says "I didn't know I could to the splits!"...she's so dang cute you just have to hug her sometimes...and yes she does the splits perfectly.

At 51 the last thing in the world I thought I could do was the splits but yesterday I did...I did the splits...with both legs...and GoodGollyMissMolly saw it...ok so maybe there was about and inch or so between me and the floor but I'm gonna say that was the splits for a 51 year old...

I like the stretchy part...and now that I can do the splits maybe I should call the Texans and see if they need a really really old and fluffy cheerleader...

Then comes the time when we lay down on the floor to stretch...

oh thank you sweet baby jesus in the manager we get to lay down and the ground feels so good to be laying on and not standing on one foot on the floor

and we do all these stretches that make me feel one of the following:
1) how did I lose my flexibility?
2) OMG OMG that feels so good
3) OMG OMG I have a cramp
4) I need a damn pedicure...

And then  the best part of class happens...

Savassanah

Corpse pose

(for non yogis it's just laying still on the floor with eyes closed and just letting yourself be totally utterly relaxed)

I have almost fallen asleep more than once...the music is soothing...there are candles...sometimes the beautiful instructor comes and gives you a little massage...

and sometimes I cry

actually I cry a lot

because it is...

BEAUTIFUL

and the practice of yoga is beautiful...

and if you are wondering why I keep saying the word "practice" it is NOT because it is some sort of "yoga girl" affectation (like Giada on Food Network and her overly pronounced Italian) but I call it a "practice" because it IS a practice...

that's what we do in yoga...we PRACTICE...

we work at our yoga...we grow in our yoga...we try things...we learn things...we expand...and you never ever are "finished" with yoga...there is always more...

So I guess I am a yoga girl...I literally crave time on the mat...I also feel out of balance when I have times I can't get to yoga...it really has helped me so much.

I work things out on the mat both with my body and my mind...

My soul is released and with each breath I find growth, self love, and joy

So if this rock-and-roll loving "let's go hard or not at all" spin-loving 51 year old fluffy woman can become a yoga girl I pretty much think anyone can...

If it's available to you I urge you to give it a try...share space with some humans and move...try things that you think you can't do and you might find you can...

And if yoga is not available I urge you try take 2016 as your year to try something new that scares you or seems very "out of the box" for you...

try ballet
try a barre class
try martial arts
try spinning
try pilates
try biking
try running
try weight lifting
try zumba
try a dance class
try Crossfit
try BodyPump or other Les Mills classes
try boxing

try YOGA

try ANYTHING

and don't be like me and quit after once or twice...I think there is some magic in that third try so don't walk away...

and who knows...maybe one day you will find yourself with your very own yoga mat flowing away in a studio and realize that you LOVE it...

I know I do...

Inspiration Song: "Yoga" by Janelle Monae...because Marvelous Mel played it in spin class one day to honor KuteKim because she was going to become a yoga instructor...and she did...and I love her classes...

I dedicate this blog to all my yoga instructors at Revolution, and to Anna Banana, and to all my friends who support my yoga habit...and to Mel for giving me the mat I stand so proudly on (because she knew I would never buy it for myself...)

Bye Darlings...you don't have to become a yoga girl...but give it a try...I'll see you on the mat...mine is pink and gives me power...

Nearly Forgot my Broken Heart

Hellooooo Darlings!

It's been forever since I blogged...but it's January 1 and I usually try and take inventory of myself at this time of year...

2015 was pretty good to me...

HERE'S THE GOOD HAPPY JUICY STUFF THAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR TO ME:

My son got accepted to the college of his first (and only) choice...it's my alma mater and I'm so excited for him...he's going to be amazing there and love every minute of it like I did...

My daughter is still super happy at her school and is exploring new forms of making art...I love seeing all the things she comes up with and how she is exploring herself along with her art...she's turned into a very fine young woman and even though there are times she thinks I don't approve or am not supportive---I am...

My student team of costumers and the make-up team won an award for costuming at the local high school musical awards (I've not held on to anything so tightly as I did that block of glass since I had a baby in my arms).  I cried so many joyful tears that night and it was capped with getting to meet my idol Tommy Tune.  And in typical "Me fashion" I didn't even get to see the girls accept the award---I was backstage.  I almost didn't hear the announcement as I was hustling my "baby girl" (she calls me mom) out from the dressing rooms and I just happened to hear a list of names over the loudspeaker.  I told her as I was hustling her along "that's costumes" and she said "let's listen" and I said "oh no we have to get you out there" and then she stopped...to fix her shoe (I still think it was a ploy to make me stop) and then I heard them announce our school name...and I sank to the floor crying and laughing...I finally felt like God was confirming that I knew what I was doing and the fact that GOTT all along has told me I was good enough truly sank in at that moment.  I had so much joy that night and it's one I will never forget...and I love the fact that baby girl was with me at that moment because I love her so much and it was kind of strangely perfect...

I am very happily still living in my adorable Casa Bonita and I know I truly found the perfect place for me...I love this house more than any other I have owned...

My son's football team won the private school championship against all odds...literally! They had 3 starters out (including my son) who were all key players and the QB is actually going to play college baseball and stepped up because we desperately needed a QB...I don't think he had played full time QB since middle school...but the boys played with more heart than the other team and somehow they pulled off the upset of the season.

Marriage Equality was granted in this country.  I'm overjoyed about that.  Read my blog "Too Funky" to hear my thoughts...and if you aren't someone who supports that, try and open up your heart a crack and see if you can't stop hating it.  We had half a year where gay people could get married and fire and brimstone did not hail down upon us and Armageddon didn't happen (and thus we did not need Bruce Willis to save the day) and other than having to see Kim Davis on the news nothing bad happened...she was the bad...

And...

I fell deeply and profoundly in love...

with the practice of yoga (GOTCHA!  no man, just yoga).  It came as a total and complete surprise to me...if you had told me at this time last year that I would not just like yoga but LOVE yoga I would have told you that you were bonkers...there's a whole blog coming about that...

I am still in love with spinning and loved that the studio opened yet another location so I have even more options to sweat it out...Revolution Studio is more than just where I go to sweat...it's where I go to fuel my soul...

I met a great group of friends at the spin studio---we all quickly bonded and formed a little support and fun times group with each other...it's a diverse group of people and I think that's what makes it so much fun when we get together...I love them...

I have the sweetest group of students to work with at school...they are my little magical unicorns and I love them dearly.  I can't believe I get paid to do what I do...

And I got a second job doing something I really love---I get paid to write a cooking column in a local luxury lifestyle magazine!!!!  I love doing that so much....

I'm healthy...not perfect but healthy...

Now for the not-so-great stuff...

THE STUFF THAT SUCKED...

A dear friend lost her sweet 15 year old daughter in an accident in January...my heart still has not healed from that one...she was an amazing angel of a girl and I think she took a little piece of all of our hearts with her when she went to heaven.  I feel like we all have an amazing angel watching over and interceding for us.  I pray every day for her sweet family and I can't even imagine the pain they have been through this year.  We lose loved ones in our lives but this one cut deep...I can't imagine the pain of losing a child and getting up to face it each day (I have another friend who lost her daughter to cancer years ago and I admire her fortitude and even more so after this happened).  I see strength in her mom that makes me literally cry because she is such an incredible woman.  This beautiful child had so much to give this world and the only answer I can find as to why it happened is that God is going to continue to use her very powerfully in heaven and that her earthly work here was done for she touched so many lives and brought joy and love to many.  But I still struggle with it...and I love her family dearly...

My son tore his ACL in football practice.  It was a freak accident...he went one way and the knee went another.  When the Dr. texted me the results of the MRI and said the ACL was torn it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life when I informed my son that football and wrestling were over and he needed surgery.  He was in the hands of a highly skilled surgeon and that all went well but the heart healing has been harder.  He is an excellent wrestler and was really looking forward to his senior year season.  And it all got torn away in the blink of an eye.  His coach cried when he introduced him at the football banquet---he also had torn his ACL when in school.  My son's teammates really rallied around him and many told my son that they pushed extra hard in that championship game for him.  It's ben a lesson in grace and strength for him.  I'm proud of him that he still goes to the wrestling meets and cheers on his team...I know it has to be heartbreaking to watch and not be on the mat.  And for me, as his mom, watching my kid hurt from something I can't fix just plain sucks...

I have friends fighting cancer and that sucks too...

And a dear friend lost her mom to Alzheimers and yes that sucks a lot too...

And there were things that just made me bummed or disappointed:

I did not lose the weight I wanted to lose...in fact I probably gained it.  I spin and yoga all the time but I am living proof that at 51 your diet is more in control of your weight than your exercise is.   I like to eat and I like to eat good food...but I need a little less butter and beef and a little more fish and broth...so yeah salmon is going to happen---a lot....

I get insomnia a lot and the hot flashes are starting...WELCOME TO MENOPAUSE!!!!  SO GLAD TO MEET YOU!!!!! ---SAID NO WOMAN EVER!!!!!

Two of my friends who were new to my life this year but quickly became very important ended up moving on Dec. 27. They both had incredible opportunities they couldn't pass up so being single gals they sold their stuff and moved...to Minneapolis...and Singapore!  I'm saving my frequent flyer miles now...and I love them and miss them...

Facebook friends got hoaxed a few times...I'm not bummed they got hoaxed but rather that my newsfeed was filled with copy and paste things about Mark Zuckerberg giving away millions, or that FB was going to use my info improperly, or that I was going to get unfriended if I didn't copy and past some status about a disease...

Downton Abbey is about to end...

I still haven't seen Star Wars...

and then there is the little dream and hope I have every year at this time...the part where I say "next year I will not ring in the new year all by myself but will actually have someone to kiss on new years and not be alone"

well here we are 2016...

no man...

not even one on the horizon...

it seems that blue-eyed men with dimples who drive big-ass trucks and prefer rock to country and like working out and love red wine are in short supply...

I got all hopeful when Blake Shelton divorced that Miranda girl.  I mean how very perfect would that be?  I wouldn't have to change my name or my monogram!  I'm pretty sure he likes steak and I cook a good one.  I'm almost positive he drives a big-ass truck.  As for the country music stuff I guess I could take one for the team since it was his job but only for him.  But then it turns out he already had his next blonde picked out and frankly since I have a #girlcrush on Gwen Stefani myself I couldn't be mad at him...lol

I have loving and well meaning friends who tell me "he's coming but right now you have a son to raise!  That's where you need to spend your energy!!!!  Look for love after he goes to college!"

Dear Well Meaning Friend:
you are married...you have a partner to help you raise your child so you don't know what it would be like to be alone...you have no idea how lonely it can be at times...you don't know what it is like to have spent almost 5 years without love and if you add in the 5 loveless last years of marriage we can call it 10...my son is pretty much grown and I don't have to hire a babysitter for him so going out once in a while would not stunt his growth...
I love you but you have no idea what you are saying when you say that...

Single girls can chime in;...you married and "in love" people---you don't get a voice or vote unless you have been in my shoes and by my shoes I mean alone for 5 years with kids who are old enough to take care of themselves...

I've had other loving friends suggest online dating...

nope

nope

nope

tried it for a hot minute and here's what I found:
1) men my age want women who are 35-50.  If they say 35 they don't want 50
2) the men who want women my age are much older...and most are lying about their age.  I can tell if a guy is 70 and trying to pass off as 60...and if I don't want 60 I really don't want 70...
3) I could tell in a second if the guy was fat or bald or not aging well because the decor in the photo or the cell phone in his hand or the clothes he was wearing screamed "this photo was taken in 2002"
4) some people find it perfectly acceptable to be nasty and abusive if you politely say "thank you but you are not my type"
5) if I put down that I want a man 45-55 for some reason I am labeled a "cougar" but my ex can date a woman 15 years younger than him and it's perfectly acceptable...
6) if you live in Newark, NJ I am not interested in you...or Miami...or LA...I don't want to take a plane to see a man...
7) I had nutcases write to me to tell me that they were already in love with me based on my photos and profile and some super nuts that lived elsewhere and said they would move for me...it was creeeeeepy....

But mostly what bothered me was that I didn't feel comfortable meeting up with a stranger even in a very public place.  It seems unnatural for me and is too far out of my comfort zone.  I don't go hang out alone at sports bars or wine bars trying to catch guys either so it's going to be a little harder for me to find someone...and find someone who wants me...

I don't pass any judgement on any of you or your loved ones that have tried the online thing or are comfortable going places alone to meet people....it's just not ME...I won't judge anyone for finding love in that way...it's just not how I want to do it...

so yes, I am having a very large pity party for myself that I once again rang in the New Year with my son playing video games and the cat next to me on the couch....but at least I had Veuve Clicquot...

I'm tired of being alone...

This blog is often my therapy...so today is therapy...I don't have much wisdom to offer or anything great to say...I just needed to get my feelings out into the universe...

I know I have many blessings...

I know I have a lot to offer to others...

I try my best to put on a happy face and go places by myself when everyone else is coupled up...but it's getting really really old...and so am I...

I'm happy WITH myself...but I'm unhappy BY myself...

I know I have so much abundance in my life but it sure would be nice to have someone to share it with again.  I left my ex so we could both find someone else to be happy with....he has found someone he loves spending time with and who makes him happy...I'm glad for him but frankly I thought by now I would have too...

I try to start each year with a positive outlook...I try to look to the coming year with hope and joy and gratitude for what I have and not worry for what is to come...

But I'm gonna be super honest right now and say that's not how I am feeling...

I'm feeling fat, old, passed-over, undesirable, unwanted, and alone...

judge me if you will for my feelings but unless you are a singleton reading this and are struggling the same way please don't judge me...and if you are happily in a relationship don't think "what does she have to whine about?" unless you have been in my shoes at some point...

I've spent enough New Year's alone...

Next year I pray that I won't write this again...

thanks for bearing with me...I need to write more and next time will be more fun...today I needed pour my heart out...

Inspiration Song: "Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart" by Chris Cornell...lead singer for Soundgarden and Audioslave...raspy awesome voice that makes a lyric just a little more special...love him...and this song...

Bye Darlings...thank you for letting me pour my heart out...I'm going to take down the streamers and pop the balloons that are hanging around for this pity party and find myself back on track...but tonight I needed to blown the horn on this one...

Too Funky

Disclaimer:  I am writing this blog without the assistance of wine or vodka and pretty much without caffeine either...I had a recurrence of my diverticulitis and my doc has me on meds that don't mix up so nicely with alcohol and in an effort to "be kind" to my system I have eased back my DP 10 consumption...so buckle up this may be a funky ride...I don't always drink when I blog but often it tends to make me a little more mellow and a little less irritable so things may get...funky....

Helllllooooo Darlings!

I'm back to blogging...

sort of...

Today was a momentous day for our country and I just had to blog about it...

I know NONE of you reading this are unaware but just in case you missed it...

THE SUPREME COURT FINALLY RULED THAT STATES CAN NO LONGER PROHIBIT SAME-SEX MARRIAGES

Thank goodness!!!!

Because now we can stop using the term "same sex marriage" and just call it "marriage"!

And everyone can have the legal right to marry and have the legal benefits of marriage...

and divorce

For me personally it is a huuuuuuge thing...

mostly because I have gay loved ones and friends and so I am super excited for them...

and I am really hoping I get invited to some super amazing weddings...you know that they will be fabulous don't ya? 

And as I side note I am available for the position of "Flower Girl"...I far prefer that to bridesmaid...it's so much more fun to go traipsing up the aisle and throw flowers...and everyone thinks you are cute...I've already told one couple that I have claimed that position should they chose to marry...and I guess I am confirmed because I got a confirmation message with my name checked...

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

I will happily be your flower girl as long as I get to wear something very sparkly or princess-like or drop dead amazing...

I saw a lot of love and cheering on FB...more than I have probably ever seen...every time I opened up to FB I saw such beautiful joyful posts...

there were rainbows and unicorns and sparkles and glitter and hearts everywhere...

or maybe that was just my closet...

no...it was FB too...

My son says I am "the gayest straight woman ever" and he once said he was sorry he wasn't gay because he was pretty sure it would "complete your life Mom" and once when I told him his dad wondered if he was gay because he didn't date anyone he said "Dad needs to learn the difference between Gay and Geek.  I am a Geek.  Girls think gay guys are cool and they do not think geeks are cool at all.  Girls come to me to ask me about chemistry...they don't think of me as someone to go out with.  And besides, if I was gay you would have totally known it by now because you would be the perfect mom to come out to...and you would have been all loving and happy about it..."

yup that's my son

I will wait while you applaud

done?

oh wait one of you is still clapping in the back...

So yeah I was super excited to see all the love on FB...

A lot of my more conservative friends chose to just be quiet and post about other things...some people don't have a reason to feel connected to it...my connection is just that I love people and I believe everyone should love whoever they chose...

but then the hardcore Christians showed up and one or two other of my FB friends posted in an effort to appear controversial and get attention or just to show they world what a great Christian they are...
I tend to ignore those conversations...

I did feel compelled to respond to one friend's post about how she was going to pray for God's mercy...after the 8th time or so she said something about God's mercy I finally had to ask her what she thought was really going to happen?

I mean if fire and brimstone was going to reign down on us I felt compelled to warn my children...and if Armageddon was going to happen I needed to find Bruce Willis because he can save us, you know...

So I asked her why she was so worried because I really couldn't figure out how if John and Tom (not real names...I don't know a couple who are named John and Tom) got married how could that ruin our country...and then I mentioned that we are so evolved that we let the Kartrashians be famous and that maybe our divorces (my one/her many) was more detrimental to the state of marriage than a gay couple marrying was...

She sort of threw some brimstone back at me (I hope it made her feel better) and then proclaimed to be a very loving and non-judgemental person and never answered the question as to why she felt we needed mercy but just went on and on about how close she is to God and doesn't judge other people at all...but had just claimed over and over that God needed to have mercy on us...

I backed out and told her that she was entitled to her opinion...

because you can't argue with crazy and you can't reason with a child...

and you can't make someone open their eyes to what is truly loving if they can't see their own issues...

a lot of very self righteous people tend to be the ones who have the most junk to fix...

I should know...

because I can be that person...

I'm not exempt from that emotion...

I have gotten full of myself before...many times...on this blog in particular...

like right now...

But I did see a lot of people who tried to argue against it use the "God says" and "The Bible says" lines...

I refuse to get into that argument here on my blog...

all I will say is that I am not a theologian or smart enough to defend that argument or do it justice..

And I think God loves all people of all colors and all sexual preferences...

One friend had such perfect responses I wish I had seen what he had written before I tried to reason with the "God have mercy" person...he's sorta my hero today...I found his responses to be on point, funny and insightful...and he never got ugly or took it low...Way to go Nixi!

there were a few comments that just got nasty...comments about sex...

and before I write this do I really want to go there?

yes I do...

I don't give a darn what anyone does in their bedroom and how they chose to make love to each other...

but don't sit there and say ugly things about how people make love and then go watch or read "50 Shades of Gray" and feel ok about yourself...or enjoy the part in the movie where you see the two girls kissing and it turns you on but then you say "gay sex is gross"...

what two consenting ADULTS do with each other in the name of love, or fun, or pleasure is ok by me and not my place to applaud or condemn or judge...

please note I say ADULTS here...I'm not ok with pedophilia

not ok

not ok

not ok

two consenting adults enjoying each other is not my business...and it's not yours either...

what I do in my bedroom is no one's business...

ok I will kiss and tell here...I have 3 cats in the bed with me...one sleeps next to me and one at my feet and one occasionally has to sleep draped over me...I know it is shocking...

go get yourself a cooling cloth and settle down...

but seriously who's business is it?

no ones...that's who...

So the people who chose to get ugly and talk about sex just look stupid to me...and I ignored those too...

How the heck did I end up here on this path of writing?

wine...

yes...let's blame wine...

BECAUSE WINE

because I haven't had any...or caffeine to keep me focused...

I think in my rambling ADD way what I am trying to say is that why does anyone truly think that approving marriage equality is going to really hurt our country or marriage in general?

I think that gay people have it hard enough with the prejudices they face from others...

I can't imagine what it must be like to be a gay teen...being a teenager is hard enough but being a gay one adds an extra layer to it all...and I also hurt for their parents who have to watch their child question themselves and struggle...

I had one friend who said to me that another friend won't know what it is like to go and check on your child in the middle of the night to see if he/she is ok and hasn't hurt his/herself because he/she doesn't want to be different (yes, that made me cry thinking of that...big ole tears...)

no...no mom should ever have to feel like that or do that...

it's hard enough to watch your child become a teenager and then an adult but when you know your child will have hurdles to overcome just because of who they love that is heartbreaking...

and so I hope that todays ruling will make some of that easier for kids now and in the future...

I have gay friends who are older and lived in times when there was even more prejudice and you didn't see gay families on tv....it had to be hard for them...

I live for the day when it is not "special" that a tv show features a gay family...that it is all so commonplace we don't blink...

I don't want one more child to have to feel they aren't "normal" because they are gay...

and that little girls who know that they want to marry another girl can dream of a wedding and all that it entails...

and that young men who are gay can know that one day they won't be "different" just because they took another young man to the prom...

I only want them to worry about acne and homework and college applications and telling dad they hit the curb with their car and not to have to worry about being judged for being gay or that some day someone might tell them that because they can get married our country needs God's mercy...

To me God showed his mercy today...

He is going to let an issue become a non-issue...

and that is mercy...

that is compassion...

that is fairness....

that is love...

Go ahead and judge me for this...

and if you think my thinking is just a little "too funky" for you then so be it...

Because what is "too funky" to me is living in a world where love is "all we need" and yet so many people get ugly about it...

ok I am going to get off my soapbox now...

I'm tired and I have had to miss the last 2 days of working out so I need to go to bed and dream of weddings with lots of glitter and two really good looking brides or  grooms that will let me be the flower girl...and will let me bring a unicorn piñata full of skittles to the rehearsal dinner...

Inspiration Song...my most "infamous" blog about a soapbox issue was "Freedom 90".  I wrote it exactly 4 years and 2 days ago...so I had to go with George Michael again...because today a dream came true and there is nothing too funky about it...

and for extra fun I will give you the video...because you can never have too much George Michael and supermodels and Thierry Mugler couture...Theirry makes my perfume so I'm obsessed with him too...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ2DVwSVIIo

Bye Darlings...for those of you who celebrated today's victory I salute you...for those of you who kept quiet and let us celebrate I send my love for your compassion...for those of you who are on the fence about this I ask that you open your heart...

Sea Legs

Helllllooooo Darlings!

I am so sorry that it has been 2 months since I blogged...

I got a little busy with...life...

nothing special just life...and I didn't feel all that creative after I finally put my Pippin costumes to bed after our performance at the Tommy Tune Awards

(The Tommy Tune Awards, named for our hometown hero Tommy Tune, are the local high school theater awards...they give awards for shows, actors, tech crews...and costumes...which to my continuing surprise even 2 months later ME AND MY TEAM OF GIRLS WON!!!!)

I had dealt with so much creativity and glitter I sorta felt the well ran dry...and I felt the need to really focus on my son...

but today I have been forced to stay at home by on over-hyped-by-the-local-media storm that has yet to do much more than spit some rain on my house...

I did lose a hibiscus blossom...

let's say a little prayer for the blossom...

thank you...I think I can recover...

The worst part of all of this was that because the media warned me (with all day news reports...dang they made me miss The Chew) that flooding rain was going to happen I decided to cancel my workout tonight so I cancelled my bike (our spin studio has us reserve our space in class by booking a bike) and took myself of the yoga list...

of course none of this promised flooding rain has happened...yet...the media continues to warn me that "we need to stay on alert"...

In the past 13 days I have taken 11 spin classes and 9 yoga classes...it was time for a break...but after all the media "spin" (not to be confused with REAL spin) I needed something to take the stress off so I went on to yoga and it was truly just what I needed.  I listened to my body that I needed a day off from the bike but my body was craving breath...and distressing...and some Magic Mike...

Yes...

the horror of it all...

not the storm...

I

HAVE

BECOME

A

YOGA

GIRL

I know...you are all shaking your heads...go ahead...

shake...

This all started in January when sweet AnnaBanana invited me to a yoga event...

I warned her that I didn't like yoga and the two times I had tried it I walked out of class after 20 minutes that I felt was 19 minutes more than I should have given it and that those were 40 minutes of my life I would never get back.

I knew NOTHING about yoga but I went...because I love her...

and as we started flowing I realized I didn't hate it...and that maybe, just maybe it wasn't so bad! And that somewhere in the middle of my downward dog was a place that was meant for yoga...

We can blame a lot of this on Magic Mike...

Magic Mike is an amazing spin instructor but one day he shared with me that he really wanted to train to be a yoga instructor and so I said "if you do it I will come to your classes!".

I knew he would do it...

and I knew I was going to have to go...

and he did it...

so I went...

and...

I TOTALLY LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT

When I found out that Revolution Studios was going to add some "Namaste" to the "clip in rock out" I figured it was something I would do once a month or so...not something that would be a regular activity with me...

but I walked into that amazing and gorgeous yoga room, gently heated by the infrared heaters in the ceiling...and the beautiful windows that added to the gorgeousness of the space and the peace I felt just walking in there and I knew this was no ordinary experience for me.

Mind you I barely knew what downward dog was and I sorta remembered what "Warrior 2" was but
I knew Magic Mike would help me flow through it...

I had heard of some of the poses...I lived in fear we would do something called "crow"...or is it "raven" (wait, I think that is Game of Thrones...ravens are Game of Thrones and right now I hate that show but we will discuss it later...because I need to discuss it)

I sweated so much I was dripping...but it felt good...

and even though I couldn't do all of it, I was proud of myself for just trying...

and before I knew it an hour was up and I was crying with pride for sweet Magic Mike and proud that I survived...and I didn't have to "crow"...

so since I survived I went again...

and again...

Mind you all of this has taken place since the beginning of May...

but one week into it I switched my membership at Rev from just unlimited spin to unlimited YOGA and spin and I haven't looked back...

I have had yoga sweat dates...

I have taken yoga and cried...

I have forced my friends to take yoga with me...

I
AM
A
YOGA
GIRL

Now I haven't reached the state where I have my own mat and towel and a cute little carrier for it that lives in my car, but who knows...

it could happen

and I am not sure what Crow or Raven or blackbird or whatever is but I know my friend SpicySusu can do it...

and I have totally loved every class I have taken...not once have I wondered when the class would end...when I could lay down...when I could be done...

and thank goodness the music is awesome...no Enya at all...that first class with Magic Mike he set the tone for what I would come to expect with the Revolution yoga experience...Just as KuteKim promised there was no "spa" music and Magic Mike gave me---Taylor Swift!

I told myself that I was going to take yoga for what it is...a chance to learn about myself...to stretch myself (literally and figuratively) and to call it what it is...

A PRACTICE

that there is no end game....that I just needed to expand myself and use each class as a PRACTICE so I could remember that I'm learning...

I have small goals:

to stretch one 1/2 inch further every week...

to hold that pose two seconds longer...

to balance just a little longer (I struggle with that one)

to listen to my body...

and in class with GoodGollyMissMolly I have even cried...

a lot...

Right now JayVee is reading this and laughing her ass off...because for YEARS she has tried to get me to do something more than ride that spin bike...she's toldI  me over and over that I can only change if I vary what I do and push myself...

and SHE WAS 100% right...

(she always is)

(about fitness stuff...I get to top her on the cooking...but only that...)

I work some stuff out on the mat...and sometimes I just work my body out...but I always find myself in "Savasana" and as I sink into that final relaxing pose and let go of it all I just empty myself onto the mat...

(oh goodness I do sound like a yoga girl)

My point in all of this is not to get you to do yoga (but hey if you try it I'm proud of you) and not for you to say "Yay Anice!" but to show you that sometimes you have to give something you thought you hated a try...

but not liver...that does not apply to liver...you don't have to try liver again if you hate it...

I never thought I would say I liked yoga...much less loved it...but my instructors have shown me otherwise and now I look forward to each class...to the heat...to the sweat...to the stretch...to the possibilities...

My friend SuperSandra can do the splits...SpicySusu can do a standing split...Magic Mike can hit poses that are breathtaking...CeraBeara and KuteKristina can do things with their young bodies I couldn't do when I was there age...

but it's ok

I'm 50

and I am only limited by what I THINK I can do...

my body will tell me otherwise...

I don't compare myself to others...

I compare myself to the last time I was on the mat...

and that my darlings is why we do whatever we do...

to push ourselves further...

to stand it a little longer...

to try a little harder...

to move one more inch...

IN ALL THAT WE DO

Do something you thought you hated...

Move in a way you did not think was possible...

Try something that scares you...

I will see you on the mat...in Savasana...at peace...and pride...

Inspiration Song: "Sea Legs" by the Shins...because 1) I wobble about on the mat and I often think I don't have sea legs yet for yoga...and 2)I love the Shins...

Bye Darlings...I have missed you and I hope you find some inspiration with this...let me know if you try something new...it's what I do this for!