Monday, November 24, 2014

Bridge Burning

I was all prepared to write a blog about my birthday..one where you would hear me endlessly whine about how much I am not ready to be 50 and how it sucks...I even started it last night...but then something happened with a friend so I want to talk about this instead...so once again jump on the therapy train with me and see where we end up...I'm not sure it will be a smooth ride and I can promise a lot of hills and tunnels (which is where I get scared and lost) but at the end we will pull into some sort of resolution station...just where that is I have no idea...these blogs are just basically word vomit that I spit out when I need to talk about something and today this is more important than how much I hate my 50 year old skin...

Hello Darlings...

If you are friends with me on facebook you might have seen that I lost a friend today...or nearly so...the jury is still out...

I have a dear (or at least thought she was dear) friend who cut me out of her life with no explanation...I continually reached out to her and she wouldn't call me back or text her...a few weeks ago she finally texted me to say I had hurt her terribly but she didn't want to get into it because she had too much going on and when she was done with her stuff she would tell me how I had hurt her and we would get through it...

So I got tired of waiting, and more than a little hurt that on my birthday all she could muster up for me was to post "happy birthday" on my Facebook wall, and sent her an email yesterday telling her I loved her and was confused by what happened and wished she would tell me how I had so terribly hurt her

all along I thought she was mad at me about a request I made of her...but I never got an explanation or told "hey! that hurt my feelings...you aren't being supportive"...but instead she just said ok and then nothing...

So I emailed her and told her I missed her and wanted to know what was going on...

she responded...

At first I thought it was about some stuff I posted on FB (because she kept saying "your postings" and then "Facebook" in her email response ) so I thought it was that...

BTW this was all via email since she has refused to speak to me on the phone for over a month...

but then an email later she basically yelled at me saying "this has nothing to do with your posts and I don't think you are getting it!!!!"

ok...

Maybe it was because 4 different times in her first email she said "postings" or Facebook?  Like 3 paragraphs worth of telling me how what I posted hurt her deeply and was like a knife in her heart?

But apparently despite that it had nothing to do with social media...

I.am.confused.

Color me super confused

And by the way being yelled at in an email is disquieting...and you know when you are being screamed at...

I had wanted to resolve this weeks ago when I could tell she was ignoring me...

mostly because I like to resolve things right away and not dwell (ok so this is soooo dwelling here because I am blogging about it) and I like to apologize when I have hurt or angered someone and ask forgiveness and move the hell on...

I don't like things to fester...things that fester start to ooze and get nasty and smelly and infected and then what was a little thing becomes a big one...

When an elephant poops in the room you clean it up...

(I learned that from a therapist and if you have ever smelled elephant dung you know why that is a perfect thing to say...you just don't leave something that stinky laying around)

If I had hurt her I wanted to fix it...right away...

so that's when I started calling her...

when she finally responded she told me she had too much else going on and when she was ready she would discuss this with me...

so I was basically expected to be like a little dog that you accidently kick but then he comes running up to you a minute later because he forgot you kicked him

I am not a dog

and by not giving me a clue as to what was wrong and what I had done to offend her so much she just chose to close me out of her life and put me on the back burner until she wanted to let me back in and tell me what I had done to so horribly offend her...

I don't work that way...

I work like this:
you offend me in some way...
if it's a major offense I tell you right away...
and then I forgive you

if it is a minor thing I let it go...
life is too short

And if I offend you I want to be told right away I have committed an offense and let's deal the hell with it and get it over with...

you work through it with your friends and loved ones...

and you do it right away so that you don't confuse things

Today I was told by my friend I was abusing her...not sure if she meant I was abusing her by asking her to explain what she was so mad at or by the offense I had committed but in any case she used the word abuse

Right now I am shaking me wee little head on this one...

I still am unclear as to just what I did that was so awful and horrible...because her accusations against me changed with each email...but I think it still comes down to FB...

I have lost friends before because of things I said on my blog but this was the first time I was losing someone over FB postings...

oh right...it wasn't that...

or was it....

I am so confused...

but the good news is that she did text me later and apologized for lashing out at me...I think maybe we still can be friends...and I am very happy about that

But I learned a hell of a lot from it all...

1) Don't go to bed angry---we all know this one but it's really proof that you need to tell someone that they have done something to upset you right away...don't let it sit and that proverbial molehill becomes a mountain...just talk it out and get it behind you

2) Social media changes friendships---your life is out there for the world to see and what you post might upset someone

but...

3) it's your life and your FB so you should be able post whatever you want...you should not have to hold back enthusiasm for something that gives you joy just because someone else might get jealous about it...

4) middle aged women can turn into middle school girls in 2.6 seconds...I don't even have to touch this one...I just got gobsmacked in the face with it again and jeez I thought that by turning 50 I finally could leave middle school behind...guess not...

and here are the things that weren't just reinforced to me but truly were surprising to me to discover:

1) I can't really be anyone but who I truly am...once a cheerleader always a cheerleader...and when I love something or am enthusiastic about something I can't help but yelp with joy...I love thanking people publicly and giving a shout out to those who help me or improve my day or life...I love bragging on my kids and my students...I love sharing the things that I love with others...because I want to spread the joy or get someone to try something new!    So I can't curb my enthusiasm very much...and I am not sure I should be asked to...and I shouldn't let someone's jealousy or ego force me to not be authentic or express myself...

2) I have been told by some people that I am too self-absorbed and narcissistic...that no one really gives a damn about my thoughts...today I learned differently...not everyone may give a damn about what I think but I don't think anyone is offended by my silly musings...and really no one should care what I think because my opinions are just that...MY opinions...no one has to like them or approve of them but unless I call you out directly and by name how can I truly offend you?

I realize sometimes I might offend someone with my political leanings so that is why I tend to keep it to the blog and not FB and I know full well that some people won't agree with me on things but everyone is entitled to their opinion and they don't have to like mine...but I have the right to express it.  I have lost friends over my support of gay rights...I was sorry to lose their friendship but it has not changed my mind one bit about marriage equality or that I feel that gay people make just as good parents as straight people do...or that no one should be discriminated against because of who they love or what gender they identify with...I believe in love and considering right now that all of my love and affection comes from a grey formerly stray cat I can't judge nor would I ever judge.  I will judge you if you abuse someone but not by what your sexual preference is. 

I believe in love...and when I love something or someone I love telling them so (ask my poor children who get "I love You"d too death) so if I love you---well you are gonna hear it...

I was overwhelmed by my friends telling me not to change...and if you don't like what I post on FB I hope you do what I do when I see something that I find silly or not to my liking---

SCROLL DOWN AWAY FROM IT

and if that person is a constant offender of your values just remove them from your feed

or unfriend them

you don't have to subject yourself to something that bothers you...and if I am what bothers you then just ignore me...the lovely thing is that I will likely never know it...

I have had to cut a few people out of my life....my reasons are very personal but in some instances it has been because of substance abuse and others it is because that person has emotionally abused me or abused my friendship in a way that was unacceptable to me (like making me the unknowing cover for someone to carry on an affair...not kidding...not ok...)

We have to get toxic people out of our life...toxicity can spread...

but we need to be sure that we truly need to let those people go...because once you burn a bridge sometimes there is no way to get back over the river and you just might want to visit the other side of that river again...

you have to be careful when you lash out at someone...

or when you withhold your feelings to someone and instead just give them the cold shoulder but hope that at some point they will just sit back and let you have a go at them for it...

or when you wait so long to tell someone they hurt you that what really hurt you gets forgotten and that molehill is Everest...and the real reason you were upset with that person was easily forgiven but then it become more

so much more

I don't have a problem with losing a friend when you just naturally drift apart...lives change and move in different directions...and that is perfectly ok...it happens and it is no ones fault...but you still love that person (and without naming names I hope a certain sweet friend I used to spend a lot of time with who's life moved in a good positive way and in a good relationship will see this and know that I love her very much and I miss her but it's no one's fault and it's all good)

I tried not to burn any bridges when I divorced my ex and I have remained friends with just about everyone but his best friend

who never liked me anyway

the last time I saw the man he was rude and unfriendly...but he tends to be that way anyway...and I told him to tell his wife hello...and I know he is protective of my ex so that is ok...I'm not going to burn a bridge with him because I love his wife and daughter dearly...

If you are going to cut someone out of your life think carefully and choose wisely...

I was even told today "do not contact me again" but I wasn't willing to walk away when I knew I had not committed an offense that was great enough to end a friendship and I wanted to fight for it...because I love my friend...

in my youth and younger days my father and my ex used to accuse me of "painting myself into a corner" because I would get ticked off and issue ultimatums and declare I was "done" with someone or something and very often I really didn't want to be done...I was just mad and wanted to be right or get my way

I was a spoiled brat

but after years of sitting alone in that corner waiting for the paint to dry so I could get out of the corner I learned a lot about how very stupid I was being...

and I am a lot more careful about corners and what I walk away from or declare an ultimatum about...

I have so many wrinkles in myself that I need to iron out or botox (freeze) so that they don't get worse...and I am not talking about my skin...

I will let someone go if they want to....but I will fight before I do so...and I try not to just get pissed and pull a trigger when it isn't warranted.

This summer I counseled a young friend I love dearly that she needed to let go of some people in her life that weren't doing any good in her world...that she was to rise above what was going on and to just let it go...I know she struggled with it and it was so very painful for her but she did it and is much happier for it...she relied on her faith and her own good sense to move on...and I am so busting proud of her for it...and I learned a lot from watching her do it...she showed a level of maturity that many young women her age don't have and I admire her so much for doing it...I love her dearly and she is a hero to me because she did something most young people would not do...she needed to leave those people behind but she did it with enough dignity that I am pretty sure if she ran into them at Starbucks that she won't be the one who turns tail and runs away...

so don't burn those bridges...if you find yourself walking over one to the other side be sure you leave a clear path to run back...the new side may not be brighter or better...

or you may like the new side better and find good things there...but you still need to have the freedom to go back to the other side and see what is still there...

it might be something really good you forgot and left behind...

So...

be someone worth fighting for
be a friend that won't let another friend go without a fight if they are worth keeping
let people loose who are toxic and hurt you

and don't burn bridges...

because bridges are very hard to build...

Thanks for taking this therapy ride with me...if I can just inspire just one of you to forgive someone or to not go to bed angry with someone then all I have dealt with today is worth it...I"m not sure any of it made sense but I am who I am and I guess the bottom line is I'm still trying to grow up and learn from things...

Inspiration Song: "Bridge Burning" by the Foo Fighters...oh how I love them...great band and great lyrics and frankly I want to know why God put someone as awesome as Dave Grohl on this earth and didn't give him to me...I'm pretty sure he drives a big ass truck...it's about making mistakes...and once you burn those bridges you can gather the ashes but they will blow away...

Bye Darlings...don't let people change you...don't let someone make you feel bad about yourself when it is their own issue that is the problem...don't let someone's jealousy rob you of your joy...

and don't burn bridges...







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